I'm having an extremely hard time not pushing away my amazing partner

I've been with a guy (age 25) for about 10 months now. He is an all-around great guy; attractive inside and out. I want to give everyone some background on our relationship and if anyone is up for reading this all, I will definitely appreciate it!!

We met in October 2019. We went out like 5-6 times and each time it went really well. We had and still have a fiery connection- soulmate like. We are both very much attracted to each other physically as well as attracted to each other's morals, values, goals, ambitions, etc. During the first 4-5 months of our relationship we talked a lot about the future. We would always talk about the fact that we both want to have kids someday, what type of house we want to live in, that we both want a long-term, committed relationship and would love to be married to each other. He became so serious about me that he started to reassure me (consistently) that he would propose to me in October 2020 around our 1 year anniversary.

However, throughout the relationship it has been really hard for me to trust. Ideally I should've came into this relationship with a completely fresh mindset about men and about love but I did not. I have been burned extremely badly in the past and I was selfish enough to carry that pain/hurt/distrust into this relationship. So I have given him a lot of distrust, anxiety, worry, fear, jealousy, etc. I have realized for awhile now that I NEED to change if I want to stay in this relatioship with him.

Unfortunately, I am in this mindset right now where all I can worry about is whether or not he will still propose in October.. or whether or not he is going to decide he is too unhappy and sick of dealing with my bullshi** and my lack of trust and confidence in our relationship.

I know that I really need to just focus on being as good of a partner for him as possible. These are some things I need to work on:

1). Stop worrying about whether or not he is watching porn. He says that he is not.. and even if he was I cannot control it.

2). Stop believing that he is no longer serious about our relationship when he has shown countless signs that he still is.

3). Stop nagging him

4). Stop making him feel like I think he is a liar

5). Trust him implicitly unless clear evidence otherwise (don't go looking for reasons NOT to trust him)

6). Stop pressuring all the time for marriage and commitment

I am not sure if anyone reading this is relgiious or not, but I am- although I struggle with it a lot sometimes. If you read this far, I would honestly appreciate it more than anything if you would please say a quick prayer for me that I will be able to change/improve for the better for this relationship, just for myself, or for the next one (still hoping there is no next).

If you got this far and are not religious do you have any advice for me? Does any of this sound like how you used to be toward your partner.. and if so, what did you do to change your ways and how long did it take?

SIDE NOTE: I have recieved a lot of reccomendations to go seek out therapy in the past and keep finding out that it is extremely expensive and not something I can afford at this time. Making this post is the best I can do, along with reading self-improvement books, journaling, asking for advice, and for prayers. I really wish I could afford therapy and hopefully in the future I will have a job again and will seek it out then.