Letters on the wind | Write your heart out

Dear—, you ask me to stop swearing…out of ALL the things!

Dear—, you call me a snowflake and think it’s ok to tell me to shut up. You say I ruin things and am a confusing person. I just want to be spoken to like a human being. You don’t apologize or think you should! You ask for rides places, friends to come over, take your friends to sushi, spend my money on you and your friends—but you won’t pay for my movie ticket and want me to buy my own food, when I say this time you have to use your money. And I ask you to use your money every now and then to teach you to know how to appreciate money.

Dear—, I’m so sorry. You probably feel invisible. You need so much more love than I give you. You need so much more time than I give you. The time goes by so fast. I just want to snuggle you and never let you go.

Dear—, you make me so happy, and also so exhausted! Your autism is so hard for mommy and daddy and everyone in our house. You have so much energy and are constantly talking. Me and daddy need to talk to each other too!

Dear—, you need to move out! You need to get a job and a car and get your act together. I didn’t think you’d spend all your money buying things. I thought you were gonna save. You got tons of stimulus money and you spent it all!

Dear self—, stop letting others USE you! Say NO even more!! Get rid of all your junk. STOP the spending sprees. Ask your therapist for help for the hypomania spending sprees how to stop them. Stay strong! You’ve come so far! These past almost 4 years have been some of the worst of your life, but they haven’t broken you! Remember you have a right to be alive on this planet, no matter your choices! You’re doing the best you can!!! I hope one day you can be strong and say GOODBYE to all the toxic people and institutions in your life.

Dear B,

before I met you I had never felt the kind of love you gave me. I could only get close to people while I was very drunk, I never imagined someone would want me beyond that.

You are the gentlest man I know, you have given me so much room in your heart. Just thinking of how you held me this morning by the cooker, still half asleep while I made coffee is bringing me to tears.

I am so sorry. You deserve so much more. You deserve a woman who knows who she is, who you can have fun with and who you can trust. A woman who your family would be proud of.

Not a woman who has spent half her life wishing she was not a woman at all. A woman who loses herself every time she drinks too much. A woman who can't communicate through anything but silence and tears.

It's been almost four years..

I feel like the woman you say you love does not really exist, and the woman underneath is not worth your love.

Dear J,

I know you don’t love me anymore. Now I wonder if you ever did. I feel blessed and also hurt to know a better part of 5 years was spent with you. You hurt me mentally and made me feel like love was somthing I had to earn. So in your new relationship let me give you some advice from someone whose had experience with you.

when your partner is lonely, be with them.

why they cry dry their tears.

if they have an off day don’t blame it on their hormones.

if they say I love you, say it back AND MEAN IT. Don’t just regurgitate it.

if they want attention give it to them

even if it’s them fishing for compliments tell them everything they want to hear.

when you’re upset TALK TO THEM. Don’t go to your internet hugbox and post screen shots of private conversations for your friends to make unsolicited comments about them.

dont just be there, be present in their life. Make them feel like they matter. Make them feel like they’re your whole world.

because you didn’t do any of that for me. But no. I’m the bad one. Of course. I hope to god you’re treating them better than you ever treated me you mother fucker.

I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that things went the way they did. There were things you had told me in the beginning that I guess I thought wouldn't happen to me. You warned me I guess - that you can walk away from people without any trouble and you did - I wanted closure - I thought I did anyway. When you gave it all those months later - it was like you showed me what you really thought of me. You said later that you were confused by my reaction to it. Confused that it made me feel worse and not better. I guess my question is - If I had written something like that to you - wouldn't you have been hurt?

Am I over it? No. No I'm not - it still hurts. You would allways make decisions and then let me on it after the fact - after I upset you. Instead of saying hey let's not do things this way - you would drop me hints and it seemed like you got upset because I didn't get those hints. I felt like nothing I did was right anymore. Everything got me into trouble towards the end. You crossed a well known boundary and then pointed out how upset I was. You crossed my boundary and I apologized for getting upset about it. That was the last time we talked - then you disappeared. When you came back you seemed surprised at how I reacted to your disappearing. I was hurt. That's all I can say - I hurt

I'm learning alot of things now about how things work inside me. I understand things better now - it's helped talking with other people who have the same issues. I understand *her* better now. I wish I had understood things better before - I think maybe it would have helped and maybe we could have salvaged something

I'm sorry for failing - in so many ways. I'm sorry for not being able to explain things or not trying harder to explain - I think maybe it was allready too late by then. I'm sorry I hurt you

Anyway - it doesn't matter now. I hope that you're happy in whatever you do - that you find a good life for yourself. I wish you the best and I guess this is my goodbye to you - maybe now I can let it go

I love you and I don't think i'll be able to fully move on from you. I miss you so much, and i'm so sorry if i've done anything to hurt you.