Need help communicating with wife
So my wife and I are having problems communicating with each other about how certain things that have happened have an impact on the other. We have both made mistakes and of course it bothers me. I feel uncomfortable talking about my mistakes, just as she feels uncomfortable talking about hers. But we both have questions that have gone unanswered, and I think this is the main thing hindering us from moving past it and forgiving each other. How do I go about talking to her about these things without it turning into an argument and is trying to throw everything in each other's face? How do we express how we feel and get the answers we need to start to move forward with our lives. Obviously trust is a big issue between us and I feel like we are holding back on answering truthfully about things that happened because we are worried the other is going to react negatively. I've tried to tell her that I just want to know and I will not freak out or anything. And I won't. I just want the answers to my questions completely and honestly. As I'm sure she wants to know more details about certain things I have done. We are both wanting to work on these problems and try to get past them the best we can to start building trust for each other back up. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
@Witt1989
Sounds like a situation where each is concerned about stepping on the other's toes and starting an argument. Are you familiar with "I statements" ? If not, these are ways of phrasing how you feel in such a way that it does not put the other on the defensive. For example, in sharing how you feel about situation X, you might say, "I feel _____ when I hear you say ____." Rather than saying "You always say/do/act like _____!!!" which then puts her on the defensive and thus likely to counter-attack. Then round and round you go!
Can you generate a list of "I statements" that fit your situation? Ask her to do the same. See if you can exchange views and rebuild trust by avoiding accusatory words like "you always..." or "you never..." or the like. Stick to the present, if you can, and avoid dredging up the past with "You did XYZ 5 years ago and I'm still upset..." Eventually you'll get to past hurts but sounds like the rebuilding of trust is what is needed at present.
I hope this is helpful.
@InquireWithin
Yes that was extremely helpful. Thank you. I am familiar with "I" statements and I can't believe I didn't think of using those to help with this problem. I believe if we can avoid accusing each other as soon as one of us feel uncomfortable we will get much better results. That has been our biggest issue with attempting communicate with each other. As soon as one of us feels like the other is trying to just bring up all the negative to throw it in their face and make them seem like the worse one, everything goes downhill fast. So I think that using a less confrontational way of explaining how one of us feels will help a lot. Thank you again for the advice. It is much appreciated!
