Paralyzed / Family Drama

I'm effectively disabled. Hubby has been paying the bills and being caretaker for my 11 diagnosed ailments for 15 years. He grew up in poverty and money is always a stressor, real or imagined. The last 20 years of stagflation followed by a spike in inflation have not helped.

He's got a temper. Diagnosed intermittent explosive disorder(IED). Known last 3 generation, and his family name literally means drunken ***, so we suspect this warrior gene has been in his family a very long time.

He has learned that it is inappropriate to take out his frustration on coworkers, clients, and friends. Instead, the last several years he has come home every night and taken it out on me. I've become a shaking anxious wreck incapable of productivity.

My worst chronic condition limits me to the couch all day sometimes for a week or more. It causes serious pain, vertigo, distorted vision, ringing in the ears, and extreme sensitivity to light and sound.

He will yell at me for not getting chores done or earning money: effectively yelling at me for being sick. Nobody wants to be sick. This hit me in my mid 30s and ruined my career. I thought i was just getting started.

Furthermore, yelling while I'm sound sensitive might as well be like punching me in the brain. It makes the pain so much worse... Unbearable.

So, why do i stay? Mother is a narcissist and Dad has had dementia for 8 years. She was so abusive it took me 14 years to realize that his behavior was also inappropriate: I can't go home. There is no "home."

I have 2 kinds of people in my life: those who care, but have no means, and those who have means, but do not care. I have siblings, but they are either broken like me or decided "if you can't beat em, join em" and they are just as evil as Mom. They only care about themselves, and have a long line of divorces to prove it.

My sister is currently in jail for methamphetamine distribution and consumption, several parole violations, as well as *** she pulled IN THE JOINT. She has 3 children all from different fathers, and custody of none.

Before that, she treated her kids like purse dogs. I wanted to help, but had no space nor resources.

My eldest brother is the Golden Child. "Why can't you all be more like *****?" Who is actually a master manipulator, bully, narcissist, and all round ***. Mom likes him because he's bullied clients into giving him money, so he's rich. He takes wild risks, has lost EVERYTHING TWICE, and moved back home, but his failures are instantly forgotten.

He is also an alcoholic with several DWIs, and would pick his kids up from sports intoxicated. For this reason, i sided with his ex in his first divorce to protect my nieces and nephews. He only wanted custody to show off his trophies, not to care for children, some of them teenagers, and their emotional needs.

I, however, was removed from our parents' will as punishment by Mom (Dad had dementia by then), and my last possible source of retirement income is done.

(I had a therapist once: she said she was going to write a book based on my life. I said ok if she changed names)

Anyhow, now i get to the fracking point:

Recently, all of this has been worse than usual(I'll leave out examples. I've provided so much already). I'm having nightmares and literally afraid to sleep. They make stress hormones at night to add to my day load. I've become a shaking Chihuahua incapable of doing anything. I know i should paint, get out in nature, or do yoga, but since lockdown he's here waaaaaay more often, and i am not "allowed" to "play" until my chores are done. I'm literally being blocked from stress relief.

He also cut my therapy off over a decade ago, and now says i can only get help if it's free. This is both from his poverty stress and a control mechanism: abusers need their target. He's afraid I'll leave if i get my *** together. I just want a decent life.