Silent treatment from spouse

@willingSailboat2084

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

Hello. Ive been with my husband for 18 years this past Monday, and married 14 1/2. Hes a Veteran with PTSD (This is something that will cause problems in the way he interacts with you and the children, especially if he is not currently seeing a therapist) and I dont like conflict (I understand why you would say this, since they can often be scary. I can tell they often dismiss your feelings or a discussion may often lead to something bad, so it makes you tolerate certain things) & always try not to put any stress on our relationship. (This will lead you to feel disconnected and it may lead to resentment. He may be the one who is adding more stress to the relationship)

My husband got upset with me on Sunday because I hid the phone from him while we were in bed. (I can tell your husband may have some sort of insecurity, communication issue and anger issue. His anxiety became triggered here, which lead to his anger and then he probably decided to push it under the rug because he is too afraid to express how he feels) I showed him what I was watching (This shows you care about his feelings, and at the moment realized how he felt about the situation) and I told him that I was embarrassed that I caught watching porn. He was asleep and I wanted some. He tells me hiding the phone is like youre cheating on me. (Beliefs are very powerful. He constantly feels like he is going to be abandoned and cheated, so this will often make him project feelings on you, and then will feel like its all your fault when its not. Theres a chance he got cheated on the past, so the past is taking over the present) I told him why would you think I would do that to you? He told me that you being embarrassed by watching porn is like you dont love me. (Porn can make a partner feel a certain way. I could see why he would feel the way he did about this because its making him feel as if he is not attractive enough or not being loved by you when you see porn) I told him Ive never been caught watching porn and it was embarrassing to get caught. (I can tell embarassment and anxiety took over here) He told me to pleasure myself and leave him alone. (I can tell he may have unreasonable expectation of how you show up in the relationship. He obiously didnt like the way you responded, so he decided to say what he said on an attempt to stop the conversation. He is not behaving like an adult here, this is a sign of passive-aggresive behavior)

I gave him space... and since then he has not talked to me. (Now he is stonewalling you. He feels hurt but is choosing to punish you by using the silent treatment. His behavior is unacceptable, and shouldnt be tolerated) Hes been sleeping on the couch for the past few nights and our kids are noticing. (He is behaving childish at this moment "Oh you didnt do and say what I wanted? fine you wont get my love or pressence". This is toxic behavior, and will kill safety in the marriage and with your children. This marriage is not working at all) We didnt even greet each other happy anniversary on Monday. (He is obviously angry, but the amount of anger he has is not about what you did or say. I believe he didn't feel heard, instead of saying it, he decided to punish you because this is a behavior he often uses to get his way. He is esentially being manipulative now, and your anxiety will rise)

Whenever he gets upset he clams up... shuts you out. (He grew up in a household where anger shouldnt be spoken, feel or even discussed, so it lead him to keep things shut. He doesn't have the skills needed to make a healthy marriage) Hes done this to me many times before... doesnt talk to me. (Pretty much how a child would behave when they dont get their way) If I keep bugging him hell blow up in my face. I always feel like Im the bad person that everything is my fault. (This tells me people often blame you for their feelings growing up, so it made you internalize it as being a bad person. You care about him and tried to talk to him, but he is seeking to punish you. I think this is his fault, and he needs to act more like an adult because he is killing this marriage with his behavior) He holds everything inside and it builds up. We were doing pretty well... (No...you two only do "pretty well" every once in awhile. This is a very inconsistent marriage where the good moment don't last, and the bad ones causes even more hurt) we would talk about what was bothering us but now he shut me out. He likes to hold grudges and I like to forgive & forget because I dont want to dwell on the past. (His grudges and anger come from how he was hurt in the past than what you did. The way you "forgive & forget" is very concerning to me because you can't keep going with this forgiveness when he keeps hurting you and pushing you away. How long you are going to keep forgiving when he keeps showing the same behavior?)Id rather move forward and continue to grow. (Is he willing to do this as well? it takes two to make a relationship)

@willingSailboat2084

I hope you are ok and have managed to work things out by now.

I just wanted to say that I have felt the way your husband did, and althogh I didn't stonewall for so long, I was very upset and my partner did not respect that I was upset, so that made it a lot worse for me and all I could do was stop the conversation as he was getting more angry with me. I just told him how it made me feel then eventually just said I was ok but I wasnt ok. He was getting angry and confrontational with me for getting upset about it as he didn't see my point of view and thought I was wrong for getting upset. Nowadays I usually just dont tell him when I get upset about that sort of thing and try to block it from my mind. At least your partner is trying to make it clear to you how he feels; maybe he isn't talking, because it is such an awkward thing to talk about especially when you know the other person disagrees. Even if his behaviour is not good I hope you can try to see it from his point of view and that he may be having a difficult time; maybe he just needs to know from you that it is ok to feel upset about it and that you understand how he feels, then maybe he will have confidence to speak to you again. That is what I would want I this situation and it may resolve your issue of him not talking to you. In a relationship you need to understand where each others boundaries are and if you can say you will respect his boundaries and vica verca it may make things better for both of you so this doesn't happen again. If you know someone wont respect or understand your boundaries, it is difficult to force that conversation as the person who is upset. If it does happen again and you havnt spoken about it, he may just not tell you he is upset and bottle it up like I did which is not healthy.

I hope it works out ok for you