Trying to figure out why i am alone.
Hi there!
First of all thanks for being here. I at first found 7cupsoftea when looking for a place to talk to someone about my problems. With a listener i mean. However recent events have made me question alot of things.
Let me apologise on forehand that it might be a bit of a long story. But please do bear with me.
For most of my life, i have had trouble experiencing intimacy or love(i am 22 y/o now). As a young child i was extremely sensitive for other people and their emotions. Being very ehmm instinctive in caring for others, anticipating needs. Others seemed to easily make use of that. And while i learned to shield myself from this to some degree over time. The last friend i had, who was like a brother to me. betrayed me about 4 years a go. in the 3 years prior to that, i pretty much skipped school multiple times a week to take care of him and his mother. He suffered clinical depression, and his mother had BPD and anoroxia. When it started to go better between the two, they decided i wasnt needed anymore. And send me away because i suposedly had stolen money from them. Although these details may seem arbitrary, they kind of explains how i allow others to misuse my loyalty.
Anyway. about 1.5 years ago, after being depressed over this for a long time. Suffering severe anxiety over any social interaction. I felt so lonely, i knew i had to do something. I started to reach outward again. Starting cognitive behavioural therapy. and made plans to start with an education. In the meanwhile i gave online dating an attempt. 3 times i got pretty close to something serious. However each time resulting in hearing something along the lines of there being no "chemistry".
Along with the fact that a relationship very much scares me. It takes me so long to be comfortable with someone to open up, that by the time it happens. The other party has long given up. Together with that i am also quite oblivious when it comes to creating chemistry or attracting someone. Even though i feel the attraction very strongly myself.
Now the other day i was reading an article about genders and sexuality. Purely out of curiosity i might add. And i noticed how i recognized many aspects of myself in Androgyny and Asexuality. With Androgyny mainly the psychological aspects, technically i am male. But i dont feel very masculine at all, actually the traditional masculine model disgusts me. I see myself more as kind, rather then assertive. In asexuality i mostly recognize the greater need for an emotional bond over sexual attraction. Even though i do experience the latter to some degree.
Now this makes me all so uncertain about what to think of myself. Somehow it feels good that i can associate my behaviour and feelings with some tangible terms. Yet it gets me not the least bit closer to finding a connection with someone. Also on the other hand, i fear i am deluding myself. Escaping the conclusion that i am a coward or a wimp.
Either way. Im feeling so deeply lonely right now. It just hurts so much. And i want to do something about it. I hope that hearing the perspective of others. Or maybe experiences from people in similar situations might help me get further.
Thanks a lot for reading. And my apologies if i too broadly generalize terms like androgyny and asexuality. It is not my intention to insult anyone.
Ok well. Reading back now. I can understand it might sound a bit confusing. Going from one problem to another just like that. I should mention that the relation between the first and the latter are. That my uneasiness with the way a male is supposed to behave might be related to the anxiety and difficulty i experience.
Apologies for the weird rambling
Hello there.
We all face problems, albeit differently so you're not alone.
Kind people do get taken advantage of very often. It sounds like you have/ Kind people are so in tune with others' needs, are so steadfast in the belief that people are generelly good deep down, often get dissapointed when they find out they were being used.
Its understable. And its not your fault for being gullible (or whatever). Its their fault for recognising the lengths you would go for them, and misusing that privelege.
as for the other thing, personally I feel the same way. Everyone concedes that there a biological differences between men and women (for e.g. in most cases men have more muscular physique and therefore are stronger and more suited for the rough and tough)
It doesn't stop women from also being rough and tough, they just might have to put more effort into it.
So those kinds of differences make sense to me. The masculine persona that we as a society suddenly chose it what irks me (and maybe you). Like, oh! men can't cook, or cry or be polite (swearing! its manly!). Those are girl things.
That makes no sense.
Also, technically, chemistry is just raw physical attraction or feeling at ease with the other person. You can't actually manufacture chemistry. Its either there or it isn't. It can be played up or tuned down, but it actually has to be there in the 1st place.
For that, you just need to practice, practice, practice. (not specifically dating but even casual friendship) to just get the feel of how a relationship "flows".
@Rb123 - That all makes sense. We get very caught up in traditional gendered views, but they aren't realistic. Each person is different and has a different way of relating to and interacting with the world, and that's okay. Understanding who you are, how you identify yourself, and what you want are important things and are the foundation for being able to be successful in relationships, too.
Don't give up yet - you're only 22 and most people haven't had a meaningful relationship by that time. You have plenty of time to figure it all out. And online dating is in many ways a numbers game. You will meet far more people you don't have chemistry with than those who you do, but given time and effort, you can find that person who fits with you.
