Who Are You Outside of Your Relationship?
Dear Readers,
Many people, either intentionally or unintentionally, often use relationships as reflections of themselves.They generally rely on others to bring them joy and happiness.This is a cautionary tale as all healthy relationships demonstrate two separate souls existing together to make a greater whole.
It is so easy, I think, to become lost in the fall and place our happiness onto another person. This is a great burden on the other person and is dangerously linked to co-dependency. This also hinders our ability to offer something to the relationship ourself. A friend of mine brought this to my attention and shared with me the things that make him feel love and happiness separate from his relationships. His job, for example, brings him a great deal of joy and purpose.
So this sent me pondering...Do your relationships define you? Has this brought you trouble in the past? What are some things that you love and make you happy outside of your relationship? (These are things that should stay in place despite the outcome of your relationship.)
A cheater. I'm this way because I'm a coward who hates confrontation. I'm afraid to say what's really on my mind when times get tough in my relationship.
@IvyJenkins
I appreciate your honesty. 
Outside of my relationship I love photography, watching tv shows, writing stories and that's what defines me outside of my relationship. However, in college im usually defined as the girl who goes out with my guy. It's kind of annoying because people dont see what other things to define me!
@thestarsdontshine
You make a great point here about the way OTHER PEOPLE perceive you. It's true they might miss out on your other passions. Also interesting are the kinds of friends that drop off the face of the planet when they start dating someone, leaving their friends high and dry. This has happened to me a couple of times as well.
I am glad you found it easy to list so many things. I also love photorgraphy, writing, travel, literature, wine etc.
@blitheSun94 When i got with my boyfriend i think i shamefully kind of 'ditched' my friends, i hung out with my boyfriend more but i guess at the first stages of a relationship thats normal because it's a new exciting thing, you want to be with your partner all the time and always be with them but then afterwards you kind of realise you arent as close to your friends as you were before and thats one thing i regret doing.
@thestarsdontshine
I think you're right about the fact that the spark is exciting and steals all of our attention in the beginning. If only we could find a way to bottle that! I think most people can be understanding of what it's like to meet a new and interesting person. I am sorry if you have lost some friends along the way. That is never easy.
I've let relationships define me in the past but that was before I understood what a healthy relationship was. Now I know that you're both your own person, with your own life, family and friends and different commitments away from each other. You should always encourage your partner to take joy in those things too and develop more in those areas to be who they are. The relationship should be a part of your life and who you are, not all of it! 👌
@blitheSun94
@SilentSerenityy
Thank you for this gentle reminder of health and happiness!
Outside of my relationship.... I am the sister and heart of my family, any family member experiencing troubles comes to me...probably because I am the only one that knows how to shut up and listen to what the other has to say hehe, my family can be quite rough sometimes. I am the friend that makes sure that the people she cares about live their life to the fullest, push here, motivate there, invite one then.... I am a passionate horserider and reader. I am the vice president of my badminton team, something I am rather proud of. I am someone that never gives up :) Someone that seeks to live life to its fullest, someone that stays active and takes her confidence from her hobbies :). Generally speaking, I am a happy person. Of course I experience up and downs... but all in all, life is good :)
@Ladybug11
It sounds like you have a strong foothold on who you are as a person and what you can bring to a relationship. So wonderful!
@blitheSun94 alone, i somehow, don't care about how much people around me, but very very close people who makes me feel otherwise, which is either a gf or extremely close friend who i treat as gf as well
@TheFallenOne14s
I agree! Quality beats quanitity every time.
I never had any friends until now on here but who am I in my relationship inside and out inside I'm the person that puts up with a lot or c**p when im away from this person I'm in bedroom few feet away watching movies playing games reading books with my daughter outside of the house all the guys know me from each different store I'm my own person I'm independent I mainly hang out with my family and daughter
@BrightRedFlower2322
I definitely understand independence being important. I am a mom too. :)
@blitheSun94 I am in a long distance relationship with a time zone so I feel single sometimes at the pockets of time when he is sleeping. I guess I am just another college student. I have classes and clubs to keep me occupied. But I rather be chatting with him or talking to him on the phone or skyping or even better face to face. :)
@0Sara0
Long distance relationships are so difficult! Kudos to you for putting in the effort and making it work. 
I think this is a question I'm still wrestling with. It's been 3 months since the breakup and it's had a resonating affect on me. It was the first time I fully committed myself to a long-term relationship with future goals in mind, and my identity became blended with his. I always thought about things in terms of 'us' and emphasized ideas of compromise in the relationship. At the same time I still maintained interests by going to school, spending time with friends, and working but the time I used to focus on myself was now directed towards him. Since our split, I realized how much of myself has eroded in that sense. A lot of the things I did catered to him, and if I had forgone something I liked/was interested in, I reframed it as 'compromise' in my mind although I knew it wasn't fair.
So now it's a process of rediscovery again. I'm finding my creative outlets and practice, and finding ways to navigate through this world as someone who is independent and looking to get their feet settled in the ground again after going through periods of uncertainty. I'm thinking about what I want to pursue and develop professionally, what I can develop and nourish personally, and what I have to offer to others that comes from a place of centredness and groundedness. It's a process, but I feel I'm slowly getting there again :)
@ResilientEdge
You sound so incredibly strong! Your screen name is perfect. This really resonated with me: "... I fully committed myself to a long-term relationship with future goals in mind, and my identity became blended with his." I would say it is during this chapter we become most vulnerable. It really brings to mind the old "better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". There is a high degree of risk involved when entering into a relationship. It has been incredibly special for me to have met someone recently who can talk openly about feeling this way, visa versa, and why. I am all about the zen. Keep on, keepin' on. 
@blitheSun94
This is an awesome post and reminder. I would love to see something like this for motherhood as many of us (present party included) get lost in motherhood often. I did not enter into my marriage until a later age which allowed me to truly gain a sense of self love and independence that I have carried with me. I think developing yourself is so important before attempting to link your soul with another.
@ali1112
Self love is everything! This is a concept that I am working on personally. I love the idea of this topic surrounding motherhood as well. Women can become so wrapped up and lost in their roles as mothers and wives. It's no wonder we become so easily depressed!