5 Ways a Fear of Abandonment Shows Up in Relationships

Fears of abandonment tend to originate in childhood. This fear is often learned and conditioned from invalidating, negligent, or abusive environments that wrongly teach a child that they are expendable or that they do not matter. Having a fear of being abandoned can wreak havoc on a person’s romantic relationships, where they can come off as “clingy” or become possessive or manipulative as ways of trying to prevent their inevitable fears from surfacing.

1. Difficulty letting others in.

Many who have experienced abandonment in their formative years have built up emotional walls to keep others out. They may constantly look for agendas, have difficulty trusting others, or may have experienced a treacherous “friend” or partner who used their pain against them for their own narcissistic self-interests. As a result, staying detached and distancing themselves from others has become self-protective.

2. Forming quick “attachments.”

Attaching quickly in a relationship can include sharing too many intimate details about themselves too soon, or sharing personal information with the wrong people in hopes that a relationship will be fast-tracked. In this pattern, quickly “attaching” to a person gets confused as connecting with them. The two are not synonymous.

3. History of leaving relationships.

While this may sound counterintuitive, many who have experienced early abandonment may now use relationships as a means to an end. In these situations, they often look for a reason to leave.

4. Unavailable partners.

This usually plays out as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable may be seen as a “challenge,” in which the unconscious goal is to win the partner over or to come in as a hero and rescue them.

5. Fragile self-identity.

When fears of abandonment are the overarching theme in a person’s relationships, they are prone to mirroring others as a way of feeling accepted, valued, and wanted. This pattern usually begins in childhood and is solidified by adolescence. This results in not knowing who they are outside of a relationship, and “changing” who they are (their likes/dislikes, values, hobbies, interests) from one relationship to the next, depending on what their partner likes.

Overcoming a Fear of Abandonment

What is feared the most is also the antidote for overcoming a fear of abandonment, which is to be comfortable being alone. Many with deep fears of abandonment cannot be alone. Time alone may trigger an inner critic or may spiral a person into self-sabotage, which negatively reinforces their fears of abandonment and a compulsion to not be alone.

In healing from this pattern, it becomes necessary to face your past and to recognize where these kinds of wounds started, and how they have affected your life. Tips for healing include: rebuilding a sense of self-identity, improving self-esteem, learning healthier coping strategies, establishing and maintaining solid boundaries, learning the effects of codependency on relationships and a sense of self, and speaking with a trauma-informed clinician who specializes in helping others heal from abandonment trauma.

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

Do you fear abandonment?

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