Above and/or insight needed please
Please don't be quick to judge, I haven't added everything in here that my bf and I have talked about but everything I am going to say is something he is okay with, like having snap location on. If you have questions please ask and don't just tell me I am in the wrong right awya. That's what happned when I posted on another form in another app. I'm not against people calling me out but maybe ask questions to get the whole story before doing that please.
So here it is:
So my boyfriend and I have been. together almost a year, we met on Tinder and we've been doing really good. We have brought up different issues and talked about them, we have been growing a lot together. But lately something has felt off, and fyi I am on my period so my emotions are a lot worse than usual. Anyways, when we started like officially dating I had found out that he vapes, and I'm not okay with that. I told him the only way I would date him was if he would stop. He had told me he had already been trying to stop and would be continuing to try. He hadn't had a vape pen for like 6 months and last week I'm over at his place and I found one, and it upset me and I tried to not make a big deal about it. We talked and he just kept saying trust me. So I let it go, because I trust him.
But lately other things have been coming up, like he keeps canceling on me, and turning his snap location off. And throughout our entire relationship we've always kept location on just because, it's not like a violation of his or my privacy. But he keeps turning it off after canceling on me, which is concerning to me because that's what my ex did to me before he broke up with me. Last week we hangout and he told me he had to help his brother before going to work so I needed to leave around like 2. So I did, and this wasn't on purpose, it was a complete accident, but I do delivery driving and shopping. And I go a 2 order delivery, one of which was to the same complex that my bf lives in. So I go to drop off the order at the persons place and my bfs car is still there. And please don't think that I purposefully did this or that I'm controlling or anything because
I was just working. Sometimes I mess with him and take his phone because I find it funny how he reacts but lately! realized it's a little concerning, he freaks out and 5akes it from me. And I don't even like go into it, and he will grab my phone and sit on it messing with my apps.
The most recent thing that happned was he told me he could hangout last night but than proceeded to cancel on me to go get drunk with friends. And I had to ask him if he was hangingout with me with not,, he didn't reach out to me to let me know he couldn't.
When we're together everything is fine but when we are apart something doesn't feel right. And I don't think he's cheating. I really don't, his ex cheated on him with 5 guys in a 6 month relationship and also wrongfully accused him of rape.
Oh ya and after he told me he couldn't hangout last night he turned his location off. And he blames the location thing on my phone saying my phone is acting up
@caitlyn4321
Hey Caityln! First of all I would like to say thank you for not letting your past experience with other apps discourage you from posting here.
I'm glad you decided to give 7cups a try by reaching out.
To start with: Everyone's relationship is different, each with their own values and expectations. If both you and your boyfriend agree to using location apps and it works in your relationship then no one has the right to tell you it's wrong. It seemed as though you were concerned about your delivery and how it may seem that you were being controlling. Coincidences can happen, please try not to be so harsh on yourself, being in the area was not your intention nor was it your fault.
Finding out your partner smokes/vapes can be disheartening. To then find out they were dishonest about quitting can also cause you to feel betrayed. I know from my own experience how frustrating it is to find out your partner smokes and how irritating it is to watch on whilst it seems as though your concerns go unheard. Like your hitting a brick wall whenever you try to voice how you feel?
However it sounds like you have a strong relationship with your boyfriend, as you mentioned there have been times where you two were able to resolve your issues in the past which helped you grow closer together.
As you may know vaping (with nicotine) is an addiction and like many, if not all habits can be so difficult to break the cycle. Along with your own anger you may have towards your boyfriend, remember that he could also be having a hard time trying to quit by himself. Alot of times coping mechanisms are shown by a lack of concern.
Have you considered offering any encouragement or help to quit?
So far it seems like you're both able to overcome complications you've had in the past, and therefore shows a willingness to compromise and make your relationship thrive. It's worth noting that people deal with quitting in so many different ways. Some may want encouragement and support whilst others prefer trying to quit by themselves. It's important to respect how they want to quit and if they themselves want to quit. Perhaps try re-evaluating for yourself.
If your boyfriend decides not to quit, how does this affect your relationship? Is there room for compromise? Are you willing to wait it out or is it time to end the relationship?
Which ever decision you choose, remember it's okay if the relationship is not for you. We all have relationship preferences and it's important to make the decision that's best for ourselves.
Whilst reading your post you mentioned that your boyfriend often cancels on you and therefore not necessarily valuing your time. Especially when he doesn't notify you and hangs out with friends instead - How frustrating!
I'm sure this leaves you feeling disappointed and a little unappreciated. A lack of communication seems to be one of the areas you may think to focus on.
The worry kicks in when he turns off his location, because your ex used to do the same right?
It can be so tough not to assume the worst particularly when you have a gut feeling.
Sometimes there are times when giving someone the benefit of the doubt can be the best option. Take for example when he said that it may just be technical issues on your phone when his location isn't visible. There can be times when we become quick to assume when faced with situations that cause trust issues.
When your boyfriend panicks when you take his phone, naturally it seems a cause for concern, specifically if it's a new defensive behaviour. Overall it sounds as though there is could be a lack of trust in the relationship which could stem from the dishonesty with the vape pen.
Have you considered opening up to him about your concerns? Do you think expressing your feelings about his lack of commitment when meeting could be helpful? If you've tried discussing it with him, how did he react?
Hope this helps
Take care for now :)
TheHelpfulNinja