Addicted to him

I don’t know if I need advice or just a space to vent. I started seeing this guy again who I first met in 2012. We messed around during uni but I cut him off, for us to find each other again at the end of last year. At the same time I had just came out of a 5year relationship which I still don’t think is truly over but a break is definitely needed. Anyways this guy I’m seeing knows how to “control” me. He makes me crave him and I think about him all the time. I even think I love him. When we’re together, it’s intense and passionate but that’s behind closed doors. There are times when I don’t hear from him for weeks until he wants to see me again. And of course I always go running. I need and want more from him but he won’t commit. Now, I know I can’t force him to but I truly believe he wants to. It’s just so frustrating because I am so full of love. I tried to love my own company but I’ve realised it isnt what I want. I could see other men but I want him, and all of him. The whole situation makes me wish he never came back into my life but now he is, I can’t let go. He purposely pushes me away just to pull me back knowing that it will work every single time. It’s classic manipulation and emotional blackmail but it’s also scarily exciting. Jesus, I’m a wreck. Do I accept that I might just be a booty call? Or do I run a thousand miles and never look back? But then the thought of “what if?” Comes to mind. What if things can change? What if he loves me but doesn’t know how to show it? Or what if I’m just being stupid? … I’ve tried to express how I feel but he just knew how to wind me up. I threatened to walk away but he managed to pull me back in just as he always does. Why does me make me so weak? Anyone else relate? 😔