Am I being a bad partner, and how unhealthy is this relationship?

TW for mentions of suicide 

This is kind of funny to post because I posted a year and a half ago or something that I wanted to date this guy, and now I am and it's going TERRIBLY. 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and our relationship is so rocky right now. I tried to break up with him once already and he begged me to try again. I didnt want to try and I told him I was done like four times? and he ended up coercing me to try. I think I let myself because deep down I still love him. 

This relationship has become really overwhelming for me. Everything lately has been about him not trusting me, and there are some things I get that I was horrible for and I don't expect trust on. The one thing I did was since we would talk for all the free time we had every day, I'd tell him I had to go or I'd be back when I didn't because I wanted time for myself. It wasn't right of me to just lie all the time. I haven't done it since and I fully admitted it on my own, I'm not saying that changes what I did but I'm praying it counts for something. 

Another issue we had was he had a falling out with our mutual friend. I had spent like two months trying my very best to keep them happy and I tried to work through issues with them. They started having arguments where BOTH of them would just say things to be rude and act as though they both were the most thick headed people ever. The final straw was when she told him to kill himself after an argument. I told her to not say that but admittedly I probably could have been a lot harsher about it. He was done and then he never spoke to our mutual friend group again after that. Then he got really angry at me because he felt like I didn't stick up for him enough. I know I could've done more about her being rude and at the time he had me fully convinced I was an *** for not sticking by his side the whole time. The more I think about it now, I was trying really hard, I just wasnt doing it the way he wanted me to? I'm still so torn on whether that was the right thing to do though. I didn't want to be rude to her about it. He also got mad at our other mutual friends for not standing up for him so that made me extra skeptical. 

One last thing he was frustrated with me on was that I didn't reply fast enough while texting a different friend before we usually chatted. That was really odd to me and he got me scared I was being weird or manipulative so I asked that very friend if she felt like he was being reasonable and she took my side. That really made me feel better so I explained to him that I asked her to help me out and also I told him what she said. He blew up at me because I had crossed a boundary he had never communicated to me. He told me I just broke a *** ton of trust basically because talking to a mutual friend about the relationship is something he's always told himself is a big boundary. I got frustrated myself because I was never ever told this before and I thought I was doing the right thing getting outside input. He said it's okay as long as its not a mutual friend because I probably just damaged his reputation with her and what I did was wreckless because I didnt consider that impact talking to her about it could have on him. So essentially I broke a lot of trust. 

That one I still feel weird for because he has a point that makes a ton of sense, but I can't understand how I was supposed to know?

I feel like I am being a bad girlfriend because we did have another less rocky time about like five months ago? where I was guilt tripping him and I think just overall being manipulative. He pointed it out and I realized he was right. I've been taking the time to reflect and work on it and I think I've been a lot better about it but it seems that having that happen has opened up a lot of opportunities for him to call me manipulative on pretty much anything. I agree with him and it's manipulative since I had argued previously, I disagree and the way I'm disagreeing is manipulative because he says I'm invalidating his feelings (I do though, I tell him I get how he feels, and this is how I feel, but explaining my side is invalidating I guess??)... I think theres like that I wasn't being good to him but also he isn't being good to me? I think.

I have trouble with honesty which is terrible for relationships which is why I've been working on getting myself into therapy and I've been so much more honest with him. But *** keeps happening and he keeps almost using his lack of trust against me. Right now I'm trying to build a spark back with him, but he's being kind of rude about it and I don't feel close like I did anymore. It's devastating because I still love him, you know? But I think with everything that's happened he doesn't love me like he did, and I'm just trying for something stupid. 

I said I'd give him a chance and I'm trying. I need outside input bad. Don't sugarcoat anything please. I'd really appreciate honest answers. Or suggestions on improvements? I'm lost on what to do anymore. I really could be completely in the wrong, I'm telling myself I'm not but maybe I am. Thanks guys.