Dealing with fear of intimacy and closeness

I always wanted that strong, pure, trustworthy relationship. The kind with great communication and seemingly infinite passion. I wanted to find a person to help me grow.

Last year I got out of a nearly 2 year relationship that was very emotionally abusive. Lots of gaslighting, lying, and verbal abuse. I stayed because I had hope that my lover would go back to the way he initially was. I was hoping he still had that kindness left inside him. He didn’t. I went through nearly a year of this toxic relationship. He ended up breaking up with me. It broke me. Looking back, I wish I hadn’t stayed for so long. But you cannot change the past. It broke me for a while. I had nightmares for months after. Still do from time to time.

since then, I have not been able to form an emotionally intimate bond with anyone. I have tried online dating. I have tried to push myself to get closer with friends. But every time someone gets just a little too close for comfort (which is not very close at all) I end up running or pushing them away. I’m afraid. To the bitter core I am afraid. I have a premonition that it’s due to my unwillingness to be vulnerable. I’m scared of vulnerability. I have built up a wall.

after listening to some psychologists talk about other fears and phobias, I decided that trying some self-guided “exposure therapy” would help. I tried online dating. I tried getting closer to friends even if it made me uncomfortable. I have tried to push my limits to try and get my fears to subside. However, I am still stuck in this terribly lonely and isolated state. I’m stressed beyond belief and my emotions are not handling these things well.

any advice for how to overcome fear of intimacy?

Thanks, your fellow human