Do I really have unhealthy mindset?
i'm at the stage of discussing things with a guy to see if we could build a good rs. we used to have a past together so we are trying to be careful here.
So, i used to be a very jealous person in the past. as of now, we discussed that i won't be as jealous but i can't let him go on a trip alone with a girl (be it bestfriend or not). It wasn't a trust issue at all because I trust him 100%. it's more like if he prefers to have fun with other girl, not me around and in private manner, what is the point of me being his gf? For him is that he wants to make memories with his best friend and he thinks i'm "controlling" (we are from different culture). I am not asking him to not see girls or hangout, but this is just beyond my boundary for acceptable for moral reasons.
he thinks that his best friend's bf can accept it and why i am not okay, and also that i have unhealthy mindset and if i'm okay with myself, i won't be bothered by those at all. I am willing to improve myself here if i'm being unhealthy (like my jealousy issue). so i need some people's advice to shine the light on it.
This sounds like a huge red flag to me. His best friend, who is a girl, is dating a guy who is okay with letting her go on trips ALONE with your boyfriend? I’m not trying to judge, but are they in an open relationship? Are they not serious?
I would never allow my guy to go on a trip alone with a girl. Best friend or not. Are they going to be sharing a room? Sharing a bed?
I completely agree with you and how you feel. Why is he not with this girl? What does she offer that you don’t? He prefers to have fun with her and not you? That feels like he is spitting in your face. Honestly, it sounds like he likes her, she friend-zoned him and he’s just settling with you and biding his time until he has a chance with her. Not saying you aren’t a catch, but he’s already making demands and what sound like ultimatums? If it’s already started, when does it end? This is not jealousy or trust issues on your part, that is just plain disrespect on his part.
If I could make one correlation that maybe hints toward what I think he’s doing- you mentioned that you guys have a past. He already knows all your triggers, all your buttons to push, and all of your insecurities. He could very well weaponize them and use them against you. And it sounds like maybe he’s already started.
I think you guys need to sit down and have a very serious conversation about your expectations for your relationship and what your boundaries are. He needs to respect those. It sounds like he thinks he’s calling the shots, and that’s not how a relationship works. He needs to listen, and not throw things back in your face. If he cared about you and the relationship, he would compromise.
@zedspike18 I think we can really take out if he likes her because he enjoys going out with friends and he likes traveling. So it’s his nature to go to different countries to see his friends (boys/girls) and sometimes take vacation with them, alone. It’s not just one girl and he has several girl best friends. With Guys too, he does the same. So I don’t think it’s about liking the girl. I am Asian and for me, that is an absolute no no. He’s a European and he said in his country, people would say it’s “controlling”. Is it really about culture? Is Asian culture just toxic?
@quietPlane9908,
I'm from Europe too and I wouldn't call it "controlling", while it might feel that way.
I can understand where he's coming from. He enjoys spending time with close friends. That doesn't mean he chooses them over you. It mean he wants to spend time with you but also wants to be free in doing what he likes to do. A cultural difference? Possibly.
In Western Europe, we, especially when we are younger, we like to enjoy life before we get older. We're more like "you only live once". Again, that doesn't mean we don't love a partner we might have.
As a person who use to be very jealous, i can tell that this kind of problems are focused more in our own self steam (we dont feel as good or special to be the priority of our partners, and we think that they Will get laid with others persons before respect wath they have with us), and It doenst mean that somebody can cheat on you, but you have to take care about the diference between reality and "ilusions", just take care about that!. In others hand, the fear to be betrayed this way is ok, is not a problem, you are human, but it doesnt depends on just one person, It depends in both of you. Be transparent, be clear, Talk with all the natural way posible about everything that could be a Ray of doubts ornsomething that smells fishy to you, no matrer what/Who/where)etc... And if that person deserves your LOVE, that person will be ok to Talk as much as needed to let things be pure and healthy, but you need to be pure and healthy to. Strongest relations are build with long talks about everything