Help giving support

Thank you for sharing what you’re going through - it really has to be difficult trying hard to be emotionally supportive of your girlfriend but not really knowing how to. It sounds like you’re good at listening, just that when it comes to your time to talk, you really don’t know what to do or how to react, and find that your girlfriend doesn’t always react so well and in such a way that she even feels frustrated or betrayed when that happens. I understand your struggle, and it’s a very normal and reasonable one to have. It’s very admirable of you to want to improve!

And my tips for you are contained in the above paragraph! I can break down what I wrote into a few sections:

1. Reflection - I summarized in my own words what you described, showing that I listened well
2. Validated - I let you know that it’s understandable and perfectly fine to feel as you do about this, even if you want to improve and change things.
3. Empathized - I expressed that what you’re going through does have to be difficult and that it makes sense to feel that way - your emotions are reasonable given what’s going on.

And through those three major skills can you likely give much warmer, stronger, and heartfelt emotional support to your girlfriend.

Think about and listen well to what she tells you - when she seems to be finished, think about what she said and how you can try to summarize it back to her in your own words so that it isn’t just you acting like a parrot repeating what it’s been told.

Offer her validation and empathy - that it makes perfect sense to feel as she does, and that you would feel the same way if you were going through it too. Let her know that her feelings are valid, and that she isn’t alone during her times of need.

Asking good questions is important too! Try to begin them with “How…” or “What…” to keep them open-ended, so that they aren’t just yes or no questions. Things like “How does that make you feel?” and “What about that situation is making you feel that way?” are often very helpful questions.

Think about how you can phrase the questions to give her the chance to share more and express herself - let her know that she can feel comfortable talking to you!

I hope this is helpful, and I wish you good luck!

All the best,

@ShneurZ

I agree with the above comments about comments that show validation/empathy like "I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. It's understandable to feel that way. Your feelings are valid" or encouragement like "You are working really hard and doing your best."

Also, some people like a supportive form of touch (ask if she is comfortable first) like holding their hand, stroking their hair, or a big hug/cuddle.

Thank you so much. This really helps alot. I feel like I'm starting to understand what the specific meaning of "be supportive" actually involves. I've started getting some positive feedback from her as well. I really appreciate it.

It is all about keywords or since it is that you say to her. Like for example: “oh my god that’s really terrible I can’t believe that you cope with this because if I were you I would find it hard as well! Sometimes I really cannot imagine what you’re going through must be really tough. Listen listen here I am here and I’m listening to you don’t think for a moment I am not. They’re all bad anyway they are jealous from you because of how wonderful you are they don’t know you better. I would be pissed as well this is really upsetting I don’t except this. I don’t like to see you upset you know it crushed me when I see you upset.”

don’t say to her: “ don’t cry. Don’t be sad. What happened has happened. Forget about them. It’s time to move on.”