Help with managing negative feelings
Hello!
Two years ago, I was going out with a guy. The first date was great, and we planned a second one. However, I messed up during the second date by arriving 20 minutes late, being sweaty since I tend to sweat easily, and having my hands shake a bit. The fact that the guy commented on these things, saying that I should work on myself to stop being anxious because it is off-putting to the other person, made things worse and I couldn't relax and be myself during the date. At the end of the date, he told me that I should find someone else who would be okay with being with me, which made me feel really bad about myself.
A few days ago, I learned that this person is now in a relationship, and I keep having thoughts that if I had been better during the date, things might have been different between us. The fact that I still feel bad even though two years have passed makes me feel even worse about myself.
How do I come to terms with my feelings?
I'm sorry the second date was not a positive one but he actually did you a favour by showing his true negative colours early on.
The universal thought is that most people are nervous about dates. We all want to make a great impression but sometimes, we get tongue tied or spill something, trip over (I am a world famous clutz) 😁
But a gentleman would understand, he will make you laugh and feel at ease. He would share his own flaws and say, you know what, You're all good, me I can't even spell my own name....
So I might get ahead of it and say, I'm excited to get to know you but to be honest, I'm also a lil shy so please bear with me, I'll be more comfortable as the date progresses :)
Embrace being you and focus on your strengths. Don't let anyone tear you down, you're amazing 🤩
@ScrabbleBrain Thank you very much for your reply! I'm a clutz too so I can relate to you. The truth is that his words and the feeling that he was evaluating me made me feel worse during the date. I know that I should embrace myself but situations like this make me feel bad about myself. If you don't mind me asking how have you been able to build such a positive attitude towards your clumsiness?
@discreetBlackberry9000 Good question. All my life, I've been surrounded by negativity, critiques and put downs.
It's really tough not to let that sink in, sometimes I might actually. Other times I realise, I worked every day to spin my thoughts around.
Instead of Oh you're bad at this and this is not your strength... I thought Stop that brain, we aren't going to go there.
I may not be accomplished at so and so but either I'll work on it or focus on something I am good at. What I like about myself is.......
So it wasn't a quick fix really. It took many many years and for me writing it all out, reading it back. I can see the good and the bad objectively.
Whilst people around me focused on my bad side, I focused on my attributes and the thought that I want to make others feel good and that is a great boost :)
@ScrabbleBrain That's really nice advice! I can feel you! It is not easy to stop those negative thoughts! In my case I don't have trouble with situations which I can control such as academic studies or work, but I do struggle a lot with personal relationships where I am not that much in control. I am not sure if this makes sense or not.
@discreetBlackberry9000 It makes sense, because we can't control how others perceive us, but we control how we perceive ourselves.
So if possible surround your circle with uplifting souls, it's a much nicer environment, easier to work out who you are or want to be....
And there won't be anyone pushing your buttons and focusing on your insecure flaws that you might feel extra sensitive about.
Nobody is happy and confident 24-7 some just act like they are..
@ScrabbleBrain I see! How do you break the cycle of thinking what would have happened if you had handled a situation in a better way? Because in my case for example I keep thinking "What if I hadn't been late?" Or "What if I hadn't been sweaty?" Etc.