Hiding a 2yr Relationship - I’m taking therapy
Backstory
I am a very religious person, who has a loving nuclear family, close friends and active religiously.
Before the relationship started
My current bf and I were friends in HS and have stayed in touched since then. He mentioned that he fell in love at first sight. I told him I didn’t because women grow to love differently. We’re cerebral not visual. Before dating I told him my exact plans of why I didn’t want to start a relationship nor want kids.
I told him this straight forward.
1) I wanted/want to marry someone who has the same faith as I do (NOT simply be aware of my faith but actively participate with me and I with him alongside each other)
2) I didn’t want to elope. I wanted a formal regular wedding.
3) I don’t want to hide my relationship until marriage. I want to do all the activities a regular couple does while courting BEFORE marriage.
4) Our relationship was initially 8-9 months in-person in 2019 and then now Oct 2021 is long distance.
5) Throughout the relationship I have mentioned that I WANT to tell my nuclear family about our relationship.
6) HIS friends and family know we are dating but mine don’t because he thinks that I’ll break up with him after I make our relationship public due to the conservative and religious view points of my parents and friends. (I’ve reassured him I wouldn’t and I’d be willing to move out with one of my female friends if the situation got tense and not break up)
Situation
Due to the spiritual activities that I’ve had we would have constant arguments about why I’d be gone for longer than 2hrs without texting him.
i would have to apologize every time for something that my ideal partner would not have a problem with. I’ve spent time with my family and he’d be upset that I wouldn’t text him in between.
Maybe I’m not seeing it from the correct view point.
1) He AGREED to go the formal conservative wait and he’d convert to make things easier between us. But, with short time, he he joked and pushed for elopement, with continuous denials and arguments on why I didn’t agree or even jokingly agree, I finally said fine. I’ll elope with you. I’ll be willing to give up something I want so you don’t feel uncomfortable meeting my parents, meeting my friends or as he says it “have a wedding while your husband is set as decoration on your wedding day” :/
2) I’m still hiding our relationship. And I’ve verbalized that the constant lieing to those I LOVE and being in the edge of my seat trying not to be discovered is stressing me out.
3) He wants to elope, but we go on dates once every month or almost 2-3 months in between. He doesn’t drive. I drive but again, I am hiding our relationship because HE wants to.
4) I got pregnant and we were both happy, unplanned, nervous but still happy because I thought, we are going to be parents and get married and be together. PROBLEM: I told him, I don’t have a job, you are far away in distance, I need to go to doctors appointments and check ups, I am having symptoms that I can’t hide - such as nausea, vomiting, extreme tiredness and I need to get out the house to get check ups. I want to tell my parents I am pregnant so I can do so, and I told him IF my parents kick me out because of our beliefs and conservative views (which I know they wouldn’t) I can move in with a female friend of mines and her family in the meantime that you move back to our hometown(2hr difference from where he is) while he gets a job, a space of our own and in the meantime I can be a regular pregnant woman and go to the appointments freely without having the burden of LIEING and hiding a relationship AND pregnancy. He said NO!? He mentioned that he didn’t want me moving in with my friend in the meantime and neither did he want me to tell my parents to avoid the stress of their reaction on me and have problems with our relationship…:/ Instead wait for the three months(since that’s when a belly starts showing) so I can find a job and move back and start living together.
on TOP of that he wanted our communication to be BETTER. He said, you’re pregnant now so you HAVE to communicate with me much more than you already do.
What I didn’t tell him: (Because I had to apologize for bringing up something I wanted to do)
I thought here…I am telling you what I need, if you don’t agree, here is a second option or a compromise so we both are happy.
I am pregnant and am already in a rush of emotions, why are you adding more negative ones on top? You’re asking me, a freshly new pregnant woman, to continue hiding a relationship, hide my pregnancy symptoms and pretend that I’m not tired nor nauseous for three month.
and communication? I’m still in the same position as I was before…why are you asking me more of something I haven’t been able to give before?!
sooo, I didn’t tell my parents and during one of my appointments I lasted about 3 hrs and my mom called me asking if I was alright. She had already sent multiple texts and she was worried (again, my parents love my siblings and I so much and they do everything they can to support and care for us) and I started panicking because, what was I going to tell her? I had told her I had went to an interview … but it was an appointment and after the appointment I called my bf. Because of the anxiousness of being discovered … my mind went blank and I crashed a car from behind…that’s it I immediately thought, that something worse was going to happen to me if I kept being paranoid.
unfortunately I was blinded and I had an abortion. I wasn’t thinking straight. I had resentment built up even though my baby had no fault.
i remember telling my bf after a month of having it and it was a nightmare (something I admit I deserved) we are still together, but my point still stands …. I don’t know what to do now.
he still wants to marry me and elope, but I feel like I’ve lost myself and who I was during my relationship. I don’t enjoy any of my regular activities, i have started taking therapy because of this and I just feel like the one thing that I’ve always wanted during a relationship is to be open about it with my friends and family…I want for us to date freely.
Additional reasons why he doesn’t want me telling my family:
1) One of my relatives sexually abused me when I was a child and he blames my mother for allowing him to live under her roof when in reality a) my bf was never in the picture during that time b) it has been handled by authorities c) he hates my mom and doesn’t want to meet someone like her d) my mom didn’t know! I love my mom but I never told her anything about what was happening.
2) he doesn’t want me living alone or living with another female friend a) it’s dangerous b) he would rather have me living with him if we eloped
3) he thinks that I only want to show him off, go on double dates and do all of these things that only I want to do whereas, during the entire relationship, we’ve been doing things he wants. I’ve mentioned going to the movies, he says I’d rather watch it downloaded and not pay for something I might not like. I’ve mentioned going to the beach, we have never gone once. Go to restaurants and eat, no. He hasn’t even given me flowers when I’ve told him I like them.
my question is, am I just over reacting? Am I being selfish for wanting something that every other girl on the face of the planet wants to have in her relationship?
it’s a lot! But if you guys can help me out… or at least help me sort my thoughts. I can definitely add more but these are the main things I personally am struggling with.
@bananahhbread
To be honest, I am probably still processing everything you wrote (and you articulated yourself and the situations beautifully).
You mentioning being stressed is, in my mind, tremendously understandable given the length, scope, and the degree of these events in your life, your boyfriends, and the shared events as well.
I imagine you have considered therapy, and I'm certainly not throwing this out there as a line, but I feel it would be *completely* understandable if you chose to go that route; therapy is offered on 7 Cups.
As a listener, I can really only empathize (or in some cases just sympathize), but I feel you are not overreacting at all. Yours is a situation with multiple layers of complexity. Please feel free to continue reaching out here, as well as the other services this site offers. :)
@sereneSunset26 Interesting. The original post is about just one boyfriend, so "your boyfriends" seems strange.
And "I’m taking therapy" is both in the title and confirmed in the body of the post, "i have started taking therapy", so "I imagine you have considered therapy…" seems even more strange.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
Charlie, you are nothing but thorough my friend, haha. "Boyfriends" should have had an apostrophe. Good catch on the grammar.
As to your second point, I myself was trying to be thorough and just cover the bases. It's strange to me that you really find all this strange. Take care.
@bananahhbread Yes, you've written a lot! 😉 But that's good. You explained the situation thoroughly.
I have just a couple of comments, but I don't know how much they will help you to sort your thoughts.
One thing is, in all that you have written here it's not obvious what there is for you in this relationship. You do not mention anything you like about the relationship. You do not mention why you continue with it.
The other thing is, you have started taking therapy. I think that was a good decision. But I also think that whatever you decide for your future must come from within you yourself, with the help of your religious beliefs and your therapist, not from people like me who are just random strangers on the Internet.
To answer your questions: Are you just over reacting? Are you being selfish? It seems to me you are under reacting and being too selfless. You were in a relationship that went badly wrong—you listed six things that went wrong, 1), 2), 3), 4), 5), 6)—but you didn't react or assert yourself enough to fix those problems. But it's OK. Your therapist can almost certainly help now.
I'm sorry I'm not able to chat these days, but if you would like to reply here I will be happy to discuss things more.
Charlie
@bananahhbread,
thanks for sharing, that takes a lot of courage.
I feel you. Seems like you got yourself in a complex situation that you allowed to get complex, no offense.
If your story does reflect the actual situation (I don't know where your boyfriend is coming from) that you are definitely not overreacting.
It feels like you have been selling out, neglecting your true self.
There is never ever a (good) reason to give your self away, to not listen to your heart, to your true self, to not take a couple of deep breathes, until you ease down so you can have a look at the situation without being part of it.
You seem to have a lot of hurt, you chose wisely when you decided to get professional help. That is another step that takes courage.
You seem to be the kind of girl that does not easily give up. Which is a beautiful character trait. Don't cross your boundaries though, giving should not be at your own expense.
Love is not meeting requirements that your partner comes up with. Real unconditional love is respecting and accepting your partner, not having to agree, being aware and allowing space rather than trying to make your mark.
Unconditional love starts within, you have so much to offer yet it feels like you don't offer it to your true self first.
On a personal note, when I met my wife, I was not looking. I was quite pleased with my life. Challenging job (I love challenges), rather decent income, a nice place to life at, nature close by. All the friends I needed.
So, totally unexpected she came along, and I invited her in to share with me. Later things went awry, being confronted with too much bad luck, let's leave it at that.
I never had any requirements. I had all the love and space I needed for self. Meaning, I could share without needing / expecting anything in return.
For me, that is where true love starts. The love that is always there, that resides in your heart from the day you were born in this lifetime until the day you die in this lifetime. It comes unconditional, no demands, no expectations, no needing in order to fill your own gaps. No obligations. Living together, sharing, loving while fully living your own life.
Take all the time you need to get where you will get. You will get there, you have so much love inside, sooner or later that will come out in a way that reflects your true self.
Warmth and love to you, and your family (you are blessed with the kind of family you describe).