I feel undervalued
I love my boyfriend but I really feel like an afterthought to him. I've spoken to him twice about basic daily communication. He did get better the first time but then didn't talk to me for 2 days. So then I got really mad at him and spoke to him again. He's been good since then. But today was the day he planned for my birthday. I planned one for him and we went axe throwing and to Top Golf. And afterwards I gave him a birthday card and cupcakes with candles. Today, he brought me to an event that he thought was a beer garden grand opening with ice cream and puppies. Turns out, the beer garden was not open, they were just showing the barn where they want to build it. But it at least had free little ice cream cups and playing with puppies. Then we went to a bowling alley with arcade games and darts. Then dinner. I paid for everything on his birthday. He paid for some things tonight but didn't object to me putting in my card. So I paid for stuff too tonight. It's not the money. It's about the gesture. Like I wish he had said at some point no we're celebrating you, I'll pay. But even besides all that, he didn't even get me a card. Like nothing to symbolize a birthday. No card or cake or anything. I just don't feel like he cherishes me. I think he just likes me physically. We are also kinda long distance - he lives an hour away but his mom lives up here and he works up here. So days he works, he sleeps up here at his mom's place and we hang out then. But usually just for physical stuff. Idk I love him and this is the first serious relationship for both of us so I understand we're both learning. But idk how much longer I want to feel like an afterthought to him or that I'm not worth much to him.
@affectionateStrawberries337
I think when we can name it as undervalued.... we know the time is running out on being patient for the return gestures. We cannot help to want to compare but often some people simply do not seem to see it the way we do. So many times it is hard to get others to understand it is about the underlying gesture or lack of. Did you talk to him about it? What sort of change do you want or expect?
I used to tell myself all the excuses that "it WAS the thought that counts ".......even if the event was not as it was described. I also knew that Telling a person I wanted or expected card or cake it took away the sentiment. It ended up with me having to remind my partner what kind of cake etc.
Ask yourself if you think the plan was less then you expected because your efforts exceeded his? if your feelings for this person are enough to overlook the so-so plans for your bday. Maybe next birthday for him you scale back.
@toughTiger6481
Thank you for taking the time to read. I thought that a card or something was bare minimum. At some point today he said "I keep forgetting all this is for your birthday."
I'm not sure right now. It depends on how or if we talk this out. But I do feel like I deserve to feel special. And I haven't felt that way to him in a while. He very, very rarely sends good morning/night texts. I've never gotten flowers from him. He was the first to say I love you but now we never say it unless I say it first. I don't know anymore.
@affectionateStrawberries337
You are so correct.. we deserve to feel special and a compliment or gesture can go a long way.
I cannot tell you how many people seem to live in the idea it is OK or the occasional "i love you" is enough, it is not. Real genuine appreciation and value shows in the tiny things. It was good he mentioned it was your birthday and maybe you can talk it out. I just spoke up to my partner again and they still do not get it.
I can not tell you enough that Love is sometimes Not enough. My partner never compliments me...never says they love me, when they do any gesture it is not about me but how they want things take me out to dinner to food type they enjoy but i only tolerate etc.
i just told myself no big deal until someone else compliments me or shows real interest in my things then i wonder why my partner who is suppose to care does not??? It is miserable waiting / hoping/ assuming affection is still there if you doubt it MOVE on life is too short to tell yourself excuses for them missing the simple gestures all the time.
My partner pretends he liked something when we had dinner with family. So i say we can make this or that he says ..." I hated it was just being nice".... I am furious he complimented them so well for their feelings but takes mine for granted. If they did compliment me now i see how lies are too easy for them.
@affectionateStrawberries337
You deserve to be heard.
Appreciated.
Prioritised.
To feel valued, loved, to have fun, be happy, receive the same energy you are putting in.
A relationship needs work, but it needs to more than physical, we need respect, we need to know we matter, all of us and not just our body. And one million percent, on what planet do you not give your bf or gf a card or gift for a birthday, is settling for the bare minimum a thing now? You deserve all the happiness in the world, don't settle and never feel guilty for wanting to matter most to the person that's meant to have your back the most 💕💜
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