I’m at a loss
My husband and I recently had our first baby together. Although everything started out fine we’ve hit a rough patch and can’t seem to make our way out. We argue almost everyday and I’m left taking care of the baby by myself. I don’t even remember the last time he’s made a bottle without me asking. I feel like I’m not getting the recognition I deserve for all the hard work I do. Every time I try to approach my husband about the way I feel it starts another argument or somehow the blame gets turned on me. I do everything around the house (dishes, laundry, cleaning, taking care of the dogs, etc) plus take care of the baby and I just don’t think it’s fair that everything is always on me. I don’t know what to do in my situation and I feel myself losing who I am to everything else that’s going on. Any advice is appreciated
@diligentShip6723
a new baby is a game changer...... were you doing all house / dogs etc before ? have you thought of a chore chart ......... you do laundry he does dishes or something like that.
do you encourage him in his way of dealing with baby ......i mean some moms and dads have different styles, i was so proud of my daughter when she let her spouse care for baby without " no do it this way " ....
or correcting the dad over and over....... i did that......and ended up doing it ALL myself because i wanted things done my way......
your spouse works ? does most of your work with house etc happen then? arguing does not have to be part of this ... sharing and letting go of control over the situation....
I knew a baby can put a strain on a marriage going into it but I didn’t think it would be this bad. I was always doing more than he was with the house chores but never all. I was never doing more by choice though. It was always he said he would do it later and then forgets or is too tired or just plain doesn’t want to so I’m stuck doing it. We have tried something similar as a chore chart but like I said he would always make excuses as to why he couldn’t do his part.
I’ve never really thought about correcting him when it comes to the baby. Now that I sit here and think about it I do correct him on a lot of things and I didn’t realize this could cause problems. I’m going to work on that. Thank you for pointing it out.
yes he works but I do too. I’m usually left to cook/clean after I get off work. I think he invalidates my job because I work at a daycare so he sees it as easier than what he does.
I feel like since I’m doing everything the least I can get is a thank you. Is that wrong of me? Every once in a while it’s nice to hear thank you after cooking or cleaning or doing all of the work for something that should be a team effort. I brought these feelings to him and he said “not everything deserves a compliment” which really hurt to hear. But if I tell him that saying that hurt my feelings then somehow I’m the bad guy.
On top of that we both get the weekends off. I think it’s only fair that he could potentially get up one day with the baby in the morning to feed her and do what needs to be done. I’ve asked multiple times and he said he will, but doesn’t even try. No alarms get set on his phone or anything and then I’m stuck doing it again. It’s not fair to me that I have to get up early 7 days a week to feed our child and he can’t even get up once. He says he wants to sleep in, which is valid, but I do too
@diligentShip6723
i totally get the " my job is harder longer what ever then yours" line frankly that is a big sore spot
the thing is to not do it if he procrastinates or something will drive you crazy for however long it takes him to come to grips that avoiding or " forgetting" does not mean sooner or later she will do it.
if he is laundry if not done he is wearing dirty on Monday ......i do not care.....he is NOW on top of it going to work in a wet shirt did wonders for his Memory......... another more messy example with garbage he does not even throw in the can on kitchen takes out all big garbage as it gathers...... and is fast on that too.
ONE person of a couple always seems to pick up the slack and do all ...... the other knows it so why bother............. Maybe a real appreciation and respect for it would go a long way but in the end this is a universal issue with partners ........
before bed we would flip coin....... and who lost GOT UP with kids and now a very fussy dog ...........
@diligentShip6723
As others have already mentioned, a baby can have a strain on the relationship especially since it puts pressure on both parents to perform better. For some it is easier and others may struggle with the whole new situation. The best thing you can do it communicate and look out for each other!
@diligentShip6723
Congratulations on the new baby!
You've mentioned quite a few issues going on so I'll just put down a few thoughts -
1. With a baby, sleep schedules are likely to be disturbed until the baby learns to sleep overnight. I'm guessing this is not the case yet. Do you have a separate place to sleep in the house (even a couch in the living room would work)? The baby can be managed in turns for the night duty. It would mean one parent sleeping in the room with the baby while the other gets a peaceful night. That includes trusting your husband to be the dad that he is - whether he keeps the baby waiting for a while before getting the bottle ready, or chooses to not respond when there's a diaper change needed, that is upto him as a dad how he wants to look after his baby when it's his duty night. Since you both have weekends off, it could help for one to take Friday night and the other Saturday night, to allow you both a day of sleeping in. It is possible, since he hasn't been very involved in the baby's care so far, that it takes a few nights for him to figure out how to deal with it.
2. Simplify meals. There doesn't need to be a steady stream of dishes, it is possible to rely on frozen or easy cook one pot (or slow cooker) recipes until things become a bit more manageable. There are loads of helpful easy quick recipes available. That way, large meals can be cooked and eaten over a couple of days with dishes done once every few days. Plastic/paper disposable bowls, plates, cups, disposable spoons, forks, etc. are a further way to bring that task down even further.
3. It is okay not to have a super tidy house. With everything going on, it can be helpful to prioritize and allow the other stuff to ease up for the time being. Especially if you're the one having to do it all, with arguments and unpleasantness at any talk of discussing chores.
4. If you're getting no teamwork or partnership for the laundry, it is okay to focus on your laundry and the baby's and allow your husband to follow his own schedule for his part of it.
They are from my experience and I hope something in the thoughts might be useful to you.
Much strength and peace to you!
