Insecurities
My boyfriend and I have lovingly been together for 10 months. But back in October of this year, I saw a notification pop up on his phone that said his onlyfans subscription was expiring. I was devasted and just started bawling. He got the onlyfans because a friend told him about it and he claims to have never gone on it prior to the first time he did and hasn't masturbated to it. Later that night, I stupidly went through his phone and saw pictures of other girls on there. I woke him up and again started crying. He and I have been over this issue numerous times since then and I can't find myself to get over it. He tells me it was random horniness and he didn't mean to hurt me. He also says some manipulative stuff that leaves me wanting to stop talking about it. He's really tired of having this conversation because I get mad when I remember it and then when he asks, "What's wrong?" I tell him because of the incident. It's taking a toll on our relationship and all I want is to move on but i can't get over the fact that he saved these pictures and kept them next to mine. What bothers me more is knowing that he had my nudes, repeatedly told me he didn't need an onlyfans because he had me, and he said he doesn't masturbate to other girls. All of it hurts and I need some advice on how to heal and gain some self respect back. I know some people may say to break up but I love him way too much to succumb to that. It's physically impossible for me to say that as well. I really love him and we haven't had any other issues besides this.
I think every man masturbates while looking at other women…It’s natural to be attracted to more than one person. You’re still the one he loves and with who he decided to be with so you should ask yourself what bothers you that much in this
I see how hurt are feeling.
Before I chime in, I will say that this issue will get opinions on both extreme ends of the spectrum; some saying this no biggie and others saying he deserves to die. So be prepared to get wide ranging advise.
This is not an isolated area of his life. There are reasons he's looking at this stuff, so you need him to discuss this with you.
If he doesn't want to discuss it, or downplays and dismisses your hurt, then that is a foretelling of how he is going to handle any future conflicts you two need to work through. There may be no other issues now, but you know there WILL BE issues eventually in the coming months and years if you stay together.
Learn how to resolve these differences now since new, deeper differences will occur as you get closer and spend more of your precious life with him.
Your feeling is valid. The one that you love look at other person’s body and it devastated you. It’s normal for a monogamous relationship— when we love someone, we want them to only look at us, not anyone else.
I’m sorry if I’m giving an unsolicited advice or unrequested opinion, but I would like to share my thoughts about the issue.
First, what do you actually think about the situation. Is it the same as he is cheating on you? Tell him about it. Don’t attack or blame. Say it like “I feel like I’m not special”. “I feel sad because I want you to only look at me”.
Second, ask yourself why do you take it very badly. Do you correlate what he did with your self worth? Do you correlate what he did with the amount of his love to you? Is it your insecurity you feel like your body is not good enough for him that he looks for other girls? Look inward, and put your finger on what is the real issue that is bothering you inside.
Third, communicate your wants. Tell him what you feel and what you want. Ask him what he wants. You can’t control people. Find middle ground and compromise. Your needs are valid. His needs too. No one has to sacrifice anything. Compromise. “Is there anything that will not makes you use that apps anymore?”. Be firm with your boundary. If it doesn’t feels right for you, then it is not right. Don’t let other decide what is okay and what is not for you.
In my opinion, a guy watching porn or other girls are normal. It’s not that they will love me less by watching that stuff. But you are not me, I’m fully aware of that
If I’m at your place, I would ask them why they do it and can they stop because I don’t like it. I know he will do it bcz he loves me. And then I’ll trust them. Trust is very important in a relationship.
If he can’t stop or won’t stop I’ll try to ask why. Try to find the middle ground. If all that fails, then end I’ll respect his wants, but I’ll be a bit petty tho lol but IF him watching those DO impact the relationship in a way (like he less loving less caring or shift his attention to the onlyfans more than me) then I’ll stress my boundary and rethink about the relationship.
Huh quite long. Thanks for reading my perspective about the issue :)
I just want to feel secure knowing that he masturbates to others. I don't want him to ultimately, I told him that's a boundary and he said he won't do it again, but how I come to a place where I'm not constantly comparing myself or feeling like shit when it's supposedly "normal" for him to do this. It almost feels like an excuse because he's male, and I can't accept that as an answer at this time. I even told him at the start of our relationship I am okay with causal porn watching because I am, but knowing that he saved these pictures and can get off simply seeing girls (wearing a simple tank top and jeans) makes me uncomfortable and disgusted.
Youre an option. Leave before he leaves you when you need him the most. At that point you will hit rock bottom and maybe suicidal. Taper your own way out if this relationship starting today. if hes lying to you, he doesnt respect you or your feelings.
expect him to outwardly be on dating apps or on onlyfans when you decide to leave him or worse, be with another person quickly. That alone will tell you how serious he was not in the relationship. When he does this, do not reach back out to him. Have some dignity and expect this to happen so you can be strong.
It's a difficult time for you and I totally get it. The old fashioned values of respecting a relationship are disappearing these days and a more self indulgent attitude is taking over. It's not just men that behave like this as plenty women will entertain other men's attention whilst in a relationship and it boils down to insecurity. We all have it! Your boyfriend is no different he has just gone the wrong way to get validation and is trapped in the sweet shop of social media temptation. The truth is he will probably not change, or only if he truly wants to. However, you can be the grown up here and put yourself first and take responsibility of yourself too. It is important that we are honest about our wants and wishes from a relationship and also what we will compromise on. Prioritise what is important for you and make it a standard, this gives you a solid base for any relationship you have. Don't lower your standards for anyone as it will only lead to your sadness or resentment. Make your standards and values clear to your boyfriend and don't give in, you deserve respect and if he does not accept that about you then I'm afraid he is not the one for you and quite frankly he will fail in any other relationship too. Be strong, be clear and be honest with your thoughts on how you take care of yourself, he will either see you as the valuable person you are or run away as he can't cope with the job of nurturing and respecting his relationship with you. I wish you all the best.
I completely understand this situation! At times I get very uncomfortable around him even watching movies together at times and it hurts. Seeing the way he looks at “better bodies” and even though he will let me know he loves me, I still have that insecurity deep down. Also, he’s in social media way more than I am, I haven’t been on instagram or Snapchat for about maybe 5 years now. It hurts when the one that you’re “obsessed” with, doesn’t make you feel the same ..