Is this a redflag in my relationship?
- My girlfriend texted a close friend that she'd date her if she were single.
- Then couple weeks later, she lied about working on the weekend so she could spend time with this friend while I was sick at home.
- Currently, they're working on a secret project together for 12 hours a day, which she never told me about. She claims her work is confidential and I cannot visit, but she's allowed to have this friend in the office.
- "It's just your feeling"
- "I was joking when saying that"
- "I didn't mean any harm"
- "Why didn't you tell me when it happens?" - She was in a bad place at work at that time, so telling her would only add to the problem. That's why I chose to stay silence to see if she improved.
- "I was angry that you didn't contribute to the project so I only wanted to work with the other girl on the weekend" - At that project, I was lost direction and didn't know what to do. The two of them worked on it alone, ignoring me whenever we have lunch together. My girlfriend at that time did not once as me how I felt or what made my performance at work drop.
- At Work: She shows stubborn behavior with junior employees, having unrealistic expectations and then getting upset when they can't meet them. This leads to high turnover.
- Conflict Style: She cuts off communication abruptly when upset instead of addressing issues. Later, she acts like nothing happened when she needs something from that person.
- Beliefs: She has a fixed idea that all-women teams are superior.
- Dating History: Before me, she had frequent, short girlfriendships (7-8 in 3-4 years, none lasting more than a year). She even had a list of girls she wanted to date, with me at the top.
- Lack of Interest: After 2 years together, she still doesn't know basic things about me like my food preferences or shoe size.
- Changing Idols: She constantly changes who she admires (6 different women in 2 years!), displaying photos of them everywhere, her desk, her locker, her phone background, instead of photos of me.
- No Intimacy: Our sex life has completely vanished. When I asked, she said she doesn't like how I moan or her own appearance (she thinks she's fat which I repeatedly tell her she's not).
I'm feeling hurt, insecure, and unsure how to proceed in this relationship. Has anyone else experienced something similar? Is there a healthy way to address these issues, or is this a sign I should leave?
Everyone’s situation is different, but coming from someone who just found out their ex was cheating on them the entire relationship there are some signs in my opinion.
in my own relationship I had similar situations where I noticed my partner wasnt 100% with me, whether it was small lies or him forgetting things about me. There were also smaller things that would upset or not sit right with me, however I chose to ignore my feelings about it. I knew deep down that there were things about my ex’s behavior that didn’t make me feel secure or safe in the relationship. Turns out I was right to feel that way because he was cheating the entire time, despite him reassuring me it didn’t change his actions.
so my advice is sit down and think about what bothers you. Think about where you want to be with the person in the future/ how it will look like if nothing changes. You might also want to think about how a person who loves you would act.
it might also be worth a try mentioning these things and seeing your partners reaction but also their actions afterwards.
@NewToteBag
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time in your relationship. It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of hurt and confusion due to some concerning behaviors from your girlfriend. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:
Addressing Specific Concerns: It's important to address each issue you've mentioned with your girlfriend calmly and directly. Express how her actions have made you feel and why they are problematic for you. Use "I" statements to communicate your feelings without placing blame, e.g., "I feel hurt and insecure when..."
Open Communication: Emphasize the importance of open communication in a healthy relationship. Let her know that you want to understand her perspective as well and find a resolution together. Encourage her to listen actively and validate your feelings.
Setting Boundaries: Consider setting clear boundaries around behaviors that are unacceptable to you. For example, discuss boundaries regarding communication with friends, honesty, and mutual respect.
Seeking Counseling: Given the complexity of the issues you're facing, couples counseling or individual therapy for both of you could be beneficial. A therapist can provide a neutral space to explore these issues, improve communication skills, and work on rebuilding trust.
Assessing the Relationship: Reflect on whether this relationship aligns with your values and long-term goals. Evaluate if your needs for emotional support, trust, intimacy, and respect are being met. Sometimes, despite love, a relationship may not be healthy or sustainable if fundamental needs are consistently unmet.
Self-Care: Take care of yourself emotionally and mentally during this challenging time. Lean on supportive friends and family, engage in activities that bring you joy, and prioritize your well-being.
Ultimately, only you can decide what's best for your happiness and well-being. Trust your instincts and don't hesitate to reach out for support from trusted individuals or professionals as you navigate this difficult situation.