Long Distance
Hey,so I’ve been in a relationship about 3.5 years, and it’s been long distance for 2 of them. We won’t be able to live together until 2-3 more years but have been very shaky recently. I think her mental health has affected our relationship in negative ways and I’ve expressed how but I don’t know if we are meant to go forward, or at least if I can in the relationship. We both have our issues and flaws which have been brought up, but she seems to be unable to regulate her emotions which she’s trying to do through her own growth process which I support, but we’ve had the same patters of emotional stress affecting us for so long that it’s been hard.
Sometimes it’s emotionally overwhelming to be there for someone when you sacrifice your own feelings constantly. I love and care about her but have been so conflicted on what I want lately. I don’t know if I should stay, or if we aren’t right for each other right now. Distance is hard and the emotional stress and conflict makes it much harder. I don’t want to give up, but I feel like I have no fight left in me.
Any advice anyone can give me?
@Sbro
So I recently got out of a long distance (granted it was just like 4 hours) relationship, and I can identify with a lot of what you wrote.
For me, it was a pattern (that unfortunately got worse over time) of supporting her in her struggles in the relationship. Now, as you said, we all have flaws and have our own stuff--definitely. But, again for me, I had to recognize that it was just sucking me dry.
Please note, I'm not trying to project here nor say what you should do. At the same time, though (and like you said), we do have to prioritize our own mental health. And, in relationships, that can be such a delicate balance.
@sereneSunset26 thanks for sharing. I think any distance is hard weather it’s an hour to across the globe. I definitely can relate to feeling drained. Glad to know I’m not the only person who’s dealt with anything similar. I want to balance and prioritize my own mental health but obviously it’s hard when you care so much about them. I am in constant conversations and we are ultimately going through an open expression of everything which is good but hard conversations. I am not sure the overall outcome but I think from trying to dive into my own thoughts more and reflect, we may need to move on and move forward without each other which is difficult to come to terms with. I’m playing tug of war with myself and my emotions lately.
@Sbro
I think you phrased it perfectly in terms of playing tug of war with your own emotions. I feel this something that we all run into as part of the human condition. Again, I know how difficult it can be when it feels like your instincts are telling you to move on. That's been me more than once in relationships.
Hi :) sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds like a hard place to be in. I don't know what your situation is really like but if you're having a hard time deciding whether to stay or leave, try taking a bit of space first. You guys don't have to take a break necessarily, but try focusing more on yourself and encourage her to focus more on herself. Spend more time with friends and hobbies, maybe find a good therapist, and try to get a stronger support system. Maybe it will take less pressure off the relationship and make it easier. Or maybe it will help you feel more sure that you want to break things off. Encourage her to find more people that can help her emotionally regulate so less of that responsibility falls on you. Even if it doesn't save the relationship I think it will soften the blow. I hope there was something helpful in there and I hope things get better!
@calGlobe2632 Thanks I appreciate it. I agree that taking time can help make the decision or provide some level of clarity. I support her decisions with seeking help and I know she does mine as well. I hope we can together but I’m not sure if we can together or not yet. I’m hoping for the best but ultimately want both of us to be happy and do what’s best for both of us.
@Sbro
hi!
So I myself am in a ldr atm... Its been around 7 months now
I understand what you must be going through as I was and still am going through a rough patch in my life, and it does affect my relationship and my boyfriend's mental health to an extent. Not to share too much of personal information, but we have had fights over me acting strange. I guess it happens in almost every relationship. And yes, I do understand that distance can be hard, overwhelming at times.
I know that you dont want to give your relationship up, but if you think you're hurting too much, then i guess it'll be okay. For me, personally, i gave my relationship another chance, and now things are working out pretty well for us. Still, if you think that there is no hope looking ahead, you should do whats best for both of you. And tbh, think a little about her as well. As she is already going through so much, and breaking up will be hard for her to take atm. I know, ive been through this phase as the girl before. It is really difficult to process this stuff with your mental health being unstable.
So, i think you should take in mind both of your situations. You're hurting, but remember she is too, probably more, as she is going thru a rough patch already. If there really isnt any hope at all, you should give it up. Think over this for a while, it seems to be a really important decision, also considering how long you've been together.
Regards,
Caramel
@CaramelLuna920 thanks for giving that perspective. Yes I definitely agree she has her own mental health and personal life as do I. I definitely agree all relationships have their ups and downs and it helps us all grow into the people we are and with our person. However, obviously the extent of those vary for everyone and depending on the severity or what people deem as a deal breaker or too much. I do think the one thing I don’t want to do is fall into a pattern of always putting how she feels first because the reality is the situation will hurt at any time and there won’t ever be a good time. I think in the past I know I’ve made the excuse that I can’t say or do things because of her mental health and I recognize that’s not healthy for anyone. I say that based on my past experiences even in this relationship. We have broken up and taken breaks in the past and tried to make it work and seemed like we were doing great, but a lot of the issues currently are reoccurring which is what makes it hard because it feels almost as if we’ve tried but is it working? If that makes sense. I definitely have to sit with it more and we are constantly talking about what we should do, being together or not, and I do appreciate her being able to have the conversations and that we can hear each other. It’s just unfortunate that we have to be in this position. I do love and care about her and I’ve never been so torn in my life but I appreciate hearing perspectives especially from the female point of view and, any others. We plan to talk this weekend on if we will see each other for thanksgiving and how and if we can or will move forward and keep having the conversations so I’m still unsure the outcome but I know I don’t want to make things harder for either of us by staying or if we do have to let go, but letting go is never easy… and lately neither is staying