Loving someone I don’t know

Hi,

I don’t really know where to start. But I know I need to talk. And I don’t feel comfortable talking about it with people I know. Besides it will probably be very long. Sorry.

So I’m 22, and I’ve never experienced a true love relationship. Many would probably think it’s normal. However, I think it got to a point where I need to do something about it. Because it’s obsessing me. Going to sleep, I dream about love. Waking up, I think about love. During the day… can think about love. Anyway, it’s an obsession. And it’s not necessarily an issue. But there is some issues related to it.

First, I feel like it’s now the only important objective in my life, the only thing that truly drives me. My studies, hanging out, etc. aren’t that much important anymore to me, as long as I haven’t someone on my side. And I’m someone who enjoys being alone. It’s not a problem for me. But I feel like the life isn’t very interesting without a lover and, I hope in the future, kids.

Second, it impacts my current relationships. Until 21, I was virgin. I’ve never had a sexual relationship with someone. For many reasons. However, I got in contact with someone on a dating app, an older woman, and I decided to take my chance. She clearly enjoyed the moment, at a point I wasn’t expected. Which is something good, because it helped me to get less stressed. However, I didn’t enjoy the moment as I hoped. In addition to erase the few prejudices on sexuality I could still have, this experience reinforced my conviction that having sex with someone I love was the key. I then had an experience with a younger friend, but I wasn’t still convinced. And recently, I saw 2 times an older woman… but I’m still troubled. And I don’t know how to say to her that I don’t have the same connection for her than she has for me, that I’m troubled.

And the worst is that I start to rethink about a specific girl.

To summarize, younger, I was mostly attracted by older girls. And I started to discover sexuality through porn, because of other’s pressure. Nevertheless, I wasn’t really obsessed by it. And I’m still not. I don’t look at girls like most other guys do. I prefer elegant, charming, smart girls, over girls that have a perfect body. Despite people telling me I’m someone difficult.

Anyway, I’m also passionated by politics, and I have to admit many political girls are attractive to me. And, one day, I discovered a girl, a little bit older than me, that was entering in politics. She had nothing particular, but, to my mind, she was so pretty. However, it was only about physique. At that time, I was doing a very hard formation. The type of formation where you can’t have leisure activities. I mostly failed, did wrong choices, … my life was a catastrophe, to my mind. Nevertheless, I started to have the time. The time to think about love, to embrace my romanticism and to think about her. Because I discovered she was introvert, like me. She was interested by the same topics as me. She had similar opinions. Etc. For my romantic mind, it was a kind of signal of fate. Sure, my rational mind was telling me that I didn’t know her, that there are many wonderful girls outside, etc. But it was impossible to forget her. It was impacting me so much that I couldn’t pretend to ignore this feeling anymore and I decided to talk about it with people around me and to contact her. But it failed. Someone else answered to my mail. Furthermore, I just saw a picture of her where she had a ring. Therefore, I decided to end this story. It was 3 years ago.

Then, my life got better, I got better. Sure I’m not doing that much sport, not hanging out that much, etc. But I’m not complaining. Nevertheless, it’s very difficult for me on the love side. People tell me I’m good looking, I’m smart, and I know I could make happy the girl who would accept to stay with me. But I don’t manage to meet her. I joined dating apps, then left, then joined, etc. And it’s not really working that much for me. Except for the latest stories I talked about, where I accept to not wait for the true love to have sexual relationships. But it’s not satisfying me. And, even if I think sometimes about other girls, even if I’m changing and evolving, I still think about her. And I would like to contact her.

I know, it’s crazy. But for once, in my life, I want to be crazy. I don’t want to regret. And I want to do something that could truly makes me happy. I’ve always put my feelings aside, for my sick mother, for my studies, for others, … and I would like to listen to them for once. However the probability of success is very low. It cools work. But if it’s not, what would I do ? And is it a good idea to try something ? I feel like being crazy, really. And that’s why I need to confess.

Anyway, sorry for troubling you with that. And thanks to the few courageous people that managed to get here. I don’t know if you can help me, but it’s really satisfying to tell all of that, without having the feeling of being judge. So anyway, thanks.