My BF is so depressing what do I do
Hello, my boyfriend is just not in a good state. No job, lives alone with a different state with no friends or family, not able to find a job in his field.
I am running my own business while also trying to help him apply and find jobs and be one of his only people to confide in. Recently he’s been seeing a counselor so that’s helped me but he makes a lot of unnecessary negative comments about himself. It’s draining to be around and I have gotten to the point of being unsympathetic. I ask him to just not say those comments. If he needs to talk about what’s bothering him, it’s fine even though it’s also draining. But those comments are where I draw the line.
He’s asking how he can express his vulnerability without doing/saying anything wrong. How do I handle this?
Idk if I should stay in this relationship too
Keep in mind that you can't control his feelings, and to tell him to just stop saying things will eventually boil up in a bad way. I am not saying you did anything wrong, it's totally understandable. But just as he is putting himself first, you need to take the time to do the same. It's great he is getting help, but also look at it that he has support if you leave, that is if you choose to. Your life and happiness is important, more so than his. If you aren't happy, really think about what you are sacrificing and who are you doing for? are you doing it for him? for yourself? to avoid guilt that would come with leaving? Make sure you are staying for the right reasons, just as you would about leaving.
It will be ok, but either way it won't be easy. Please don't do what I have done, please put yourself and happiness first, even if just for a moment.
It’s good to recognize your own flaws, and occasionally being vulnerable is a sign of self awareness and honesty. OK, he’s isolated, his financial situation without work is not ideal, he doesn’t have a good social circle to keep his mind busy and feel like he’s got a lot of support.
But the solution to that is not for him to indulge in a self pitying mindset. Maybe (for him) those depressing sort of comments have a kind of cathartic comfort, the way having low/no expectations is comforting because then you can’t fail from not having attempted anything at all. People with diminished self esteem commonly do this (express self deprecating thoughts) as a coping mechanism around others that they value; kind of a reminder to the other person “I’m not you, I am not successful and functional like you, please lower your expectations regarding me, because it stresses me out when people expect things of me and makes me anxious that I won’t be able to live up to their expectations!” …
OK .. so maybe what he needs is to take some of this psychological pressure off himself. He’s probably feeling a lot of it from not being able to provide for himself, he might feel like he’s standing in your shadow since you’re an entrepreneur. He needs to take a deep breath, and realize that he just needs to have faith in his own journey. That he has skills and abilities, and that what he needs right now is not more self-criticism and self-loathing. He needs to trust in the process, to do everything that he can to help himself, so at the very least he can have pride in himself for trying to find solutions to his problems and know that he did his best in the circumstances. He needs to find the balance between expressing his fears, and vulnerabilities, while not -defining- himself solely in that negative context.
And you as a partner, you have your own boundaries too. You have your own needs and you can only sacrifice so much of yourself and have your limits. It’s good that you are being supportive, that you are helping him in a difficult time - but you’re not a life support system; or an emotional dumping ground, or a CRUTCH that he should be depending on instead of finding his own feet. Support needs to happen in the right context, it can’t be a dependent relationship that becomes unhealthy for the both of you.
Wishing you both all the best ~!
CatsInTheCradle
