Not sure what to do
Hey,
I have been dating my partner for almost a year. He's super sweet, and overall I am very happy with him. We met through a meetup group that we both have been going to for a while and have a lot of mutual friends in the group. Because of this, we talked how to tell our mutual friends that we are dating, and he said that he is not ready and is worried about what would happen with the meetup group and our mutual friends if things didn't work out. I understand his perspective, but now more time has passed, and I am not sure if I should bring it up again at some point. While I want to respect his boundaries, I feel very upset when we are at the group together, and I can't hold his hand or even flirt with him a little. I feel like we end up being super nervous and maybe avoiding each other and it makes me feel sad like he is ignoring me, even though I know he is just trying not to spill the beans.
I am thinking of maybe just starting with saying something like I feel like we didn't talk much at our friends party and I feel like I missed out on connecting with him more or maybe just asking him to be a bit more friendly to me as a baby step. If even more time passes, I may really have to bring it up again. I feel like a year is a long time for our friends not to know, and I am unclear on how long it might be.
Day
@Daydreamer47
weird. but i'm not sure what a meetup group is. are you sure he doesn't date more people in the group? that would explain the secrecy. you need to talk and explain this is not something you can do anymore. you should be allowed to express some affection in public.
@LostTurtle22 No, I doubt he is dating others in the group. We did talk about it a few months ago and he said he is worried about what would happen if things don't work out.
Abit weird to be in a relationship for one year and still be thinking "what if this doesn't work out?"
Yes fine things might not work out - but that kind of mindset can't be healthy in a relationship
Especially not when you make decisions based on it.
Maybe check in with him on a timeline of when he thinks will be suitable to tell the group?
@LostTurtle22 I don't really feel ready to give a harsh ultimatum like that. I think I prefer to approach it over time with baby steps, maybe just trying to express how I am feeling and that it's something I am still struggling with.
Maybe he is not as comfortable with the relationship as you are .....
some people if dating within a friend group think keeping it quiet will make it easier IF it does not work out .... it won't IMO. some are simply uncomfortable with PDA or perhaps he had a prior friend in group and is not trying to hurt them.
the real reason only he knows and if you ask him in a non confrontational way perhaps he will shed more light on subject.
@Daydreamer47
A year is quite a long time not to disclose a relationship. Especially if all your friends are mutual any way, it just makes MORE sense to let people know and have everything transparent and less complicated; rather than this element of secrecy that is obviously causing discomfort for you. Proceeding from an assumption of ‘What if things don’t work out?!’ And then putting all these boundaries in place to restrict affection in public is prohibitive to the growth of your relationship. What’s the point of dating people if it can only happen in concealment and it has to happen at the exclusion of your social circle? That’s just not pragmatic.
Working out what happens if things don’t work out is a natural part of relationships! You both have a healthy discussion about how to proceed. Your friends stay neutral as much as possible. They are your friends - I just think intimate relationships shouldn’t have to happen at the expense of your platonic relationships. It’s not a reasonable nor practical boundary especially if the foundation of it is predicated on the negative idea of ‘Well what if we break up?!’. It’s like planning to fail as a strategy for success. 😐
What is his plan here honestly? To just date you in secret indefinitely? What if other girls in the group show interest? Will he lie about you?
@CatzInTheCradle Thank you. I agree and really appreciate your support. I think I would need to think about how to bring up the subject and figure out when I feel ready to do so. I am also struggling with trying to switch counselors right now, so I want to feel more settled with a good counselor so I can practice with them and prepare for the conversation.
@Daydreamer47 a year?!?! He is not ready to commit, is seeing other people, or has insecurity issues... That is a long time to be in a secret relationship, I am so sorry you are dealing with this, you deserve better!! It sounds like he wants a friend's with benefits sort of deal? It does not sound like he feels the same about you as you do about him. It may help to have that conversation again and ask him to define your relationship, it's not complicated, together or not together. Be firm, let him know that you deserve to be treated with honesty and respect, not hidden and felt ashamed or confused. Be safe 💛
I appreciate everyone's support and input. I agree that there's a conversation that needs to be had when I feel ready for it. It's overall a pretty healthy connection, we've been on a lot of fun dates together, celebrated Valentine's day, and he also drove pretty far to visit me this summer. He's very encouraging and has helped me with moving and a lot of other things. This is his first real relationship, so we've been overall kind of taking things slow, but I agree this is important for us to resolve. I am also really struggling with lack of support elsewhere and abusive family members, so I feel like I need to settle into getting a good counselor and maybe a support group at my university to feel more ready to address this. Thank you.
@Daydreamer47
OK I see. So if it is his first relationship he might not have an accurate gauge yet of how certain things might affect his partner exactly (and of course every individual has different expectations too). So trying to accommodate your partner and trying to anticipate things from their perspective might be a new experience for him and he might not have developed that ‘skill’ so far as he is still new to dating. So this situation will be a good experience for both of you to learn about each other’s needs and navigate an issue together.
Be true to yourself and the things you need and want from your relationship. It’s better to be honest and forward from the start, rather than being unhappy and disappointed everyday in a relationship where problems just grow the longer they go on!
Wishing you both all the best with it!