Relationship Problem
I’ve been in a relationship for two years and I love this guy, I do, but right now, I don’t know, I kind of feel the love isn’t as strong anymore. Maybe I’m losing it. I’ve been fighting for this relationship for so long. It’s getting tiring. I have a lot of patience, and I’ve seen him grow. But I guess what happened on Thursday was just maybe the boiling point. I tried to have a conversation with him again about his smoking (weed) because he said he was going to stop, and then he starts again. It just confused me, because he said he wanted to stop for himself, but if he really was doing that, then why start again?
When we had this conversation in the beginning of him stopping, I told him that if he was doing it for me, I didn’t want him to resent me in the end because he knows this is something I would like for him to stop, especially since if we want to try to have a family, I already have fertility issues and him smoking isn’t going to help that. He himself said he wants to do it for himself and also so we can try to have a family. Yet here he goes again. I pointed out that the only reason I found out is because I was with him when he did it, and he saw the disappointment in my face. I pointed out that if I wasn’t with him at the moment, he wouldn’t have told me, and he said, “You’re probably right.” I was like, so why wouldn’t you tell me? He straight out told me, “Why should I tell you?” I just feel like that’s a slap in the face. You should tell me because it’s something that you spoke to me about stopping, and how am I supposed to trust that when you try to have a family, you’re actually going to stop? I trust him, but that’s where the trust starts breaking. I’ve always been so trustworthy of him, and I kind of just feel like he was going to lie about it, so I pointed it out. But it got into a huge argument, and then he brought up a point about me drinking water and how I lie about that. I straight up told him, no, I don’t lie about drinking water. He’s like, “Oh, so you’re going to just sit here and f***ing lie?” I’m like, what are you talking about right now? If I say I drink water, I drink water. Whether you believe me or not, that’s on you.
He got really heated and told me to shut the f*** up, that he didn’t want to talk to me. I was like, are you serious right now? You’re going to call me a liar! He’s like, “You know what? Get the f*** out. Just leave. I don’t want to see you. Matter of fact, I’ll take you home.” He didn’t end up taking me home. It was really embarrassing. I had to explain to a family member what happened because we were stuck, and they kept asking. She said she would talk to him, but I told her not to because I don’t want anyone in the middle of things. She said she hates that he acted like that and it’s unacceptable, and she hopes we can work things out, but she understands if I’m at my boiling point. I just left.
Today’s Saturday, and nothing but silence from him, which isn’t surprising because he does this all the time when there’s an argument or fight—gives the silent treatment, and either I reach out to tell him how I felt, or he texts or calls after 2–3 days apologizing instead of trying to fix things from the start. But this time I’m not going to be the one reaching out. I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and he needs to know this and understand that this isn’t something I can just push through or pass on. I have never been spoken to like that by anyone, especially by a partner. I’m scared because I don’t know what to do. I’m like stuck in between wanting to end things because I’ll possibly regret it but at the same time what he’ll repeat this again or i’ll express myself to him again and he’ll say he’ll to work on it or change and doesn’t do it but it’s also about being without him because i love him so much and he’s my best friend and I would love for things to work out, but how do you even move past something like this? Is that even possible?
Hey! I can relate to this, as my ex was a weed smoker too. Unfortunately, she never managed to quit, and a big part of that was her environment. Her friends and even her parents smoked a lot, which made it much harder for her to actually change.
I don’t want to be a negative Nancy, but you really do have to decide whether this is a deal-breaker for you if he keeps smoking and behaving this way. In my experience, people often say they want to quit or change, especially after an argument, but without real effort or a shift in circumstances, it doesn’t always happen.
I don’t know his background or history with weed, so I can’t give concrete advice. What I will say is that the silent treatment and repeated disrespect aren’t things you should have to just push through. It might help to talk this through with people close to you who know your situation better. I really hope you’re able to work things out if that’s what’s healthiest for you, or that you’re strong enough to make a hard decision if things keep repeating.
All the best🫂
Hey! I can relate to this, as my ex was a weed smoker too. Unfortunately, she never managed to quit, and a big part of that was her environment. Her friends and even her parents smoked a lot, which made it much harder for her to actually change.
I don’t want to be a negative Nancy, but you really do have to decide whether this is a deal-breaker for you if he keeps smoking and behaving this way. In my experience, people often say they want to quit or change, especially after an argument, but without real effort or a shift in circumstances, it doesn’t always happen.
I don’t know his background or history with weed, so I can’t give concrete advice. What I will say is that the silent treatment and repeated disrespect aren’t things you should have to just push through. It might help to talk this through with people close to you who know your situation better. I really hope you’re able to work things out if that’s what’s healthiest for you, or that you’re strong enough to make a hard decision if things keep repeating.
All the best🫂
I’m a male (33) and my wife (turning 30 soon) had a similar issue when we first started dating. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and was going through the courts for custody due to her birth mother abandoning her. But this is besides the point.
At the time my wife also said that she wanted to stop smoking (weed) but had kept picking it up again, and again. I tried holding her accountable to her words, but it never changed. One day, I got into her car after the 3rd time she had said she wanted to stop. But I could smell it in everything as I have never touched the stuff. When I asked, she lied, and got frantic. Eventually it got to the point a few months later that she got pulled over by some cops and she had to finally come clean to me about smoking again as there was no hiding it anymore. We talked, and she finally told me she wanted to quit only because she thought that’s what I wanted her to do, and I was in the same boat as you at the time. I didn’t want her to resent me for doing something simply because she thought I wanted that.
Accountability, especially self accountability, is a fickle process. Our minds are wired by nature, to continue habits that we have been conditioned into by any means, to continue those habits.
As for yourself, it sounds like you have come to a crossroads— after reading this, the weed does sound like an issue, but the bigger issue is the behavior and the lies tied to it all. This may sting, but if you want things to change and stay together, you both need to want the change. Or you’ll end up in a one sided relationship until he’s finally ready. But by that time, what will you have sacrificed.
The lies, the hurt. You know your capacity better than anyone.
