Repetition/unhappy?
Hi i hope I'm doing this correctly. It's my first posting. Well my troubles are not knowing if I'm happy in my current relationship. We have been together 3 years and live together. The problem is our issues are in a cycle. Example i ask for him to clean/cook or any small task i need help with and doesnt do it. I'll wait weeks or even months. I'll voice him is not about that he didn't do it is that it happens over and over again. It can be anything. It can even be him triggering me with a specific action he knows has come up before. He will do something and I'll be upset. We will communicate. He apologizes and i think we'll be fine but it repeats. Everything keeps repeating. I feel like he does the minimum effort for us. Ill plan out a date for us something to keep our relationship going. I ask him to help me next time or plan something for us. It becomes the minimal effort. The place he planned is closed. We'll get lost and mood just completely changes. This has happened more than I can count. I tell myself to be patient to meet my expectations to something he can do. I tried but just feel stuck like our relationship isn't flourishing. I ask myself if I'm happy. I feel like I do everything for us to be together. I'm the patient one. I'm the one that has to understand he works at a slower pace. What about me? How long should I wait until he realizes that I'm struggling to keep our relationship. I'm so tired of cleaning, working, trying to find things for us to do. Then there's the sex. My libido went down before I met him so my desire to have sex in general isn't my priority. For my partner is everything he wants to have it all the time. He will do anything to have sex with me but I don't want to. I feel this constant anxiety because I feel this way. I know he wants to and I walk around feeling like I have to. I told him but he can't hide his body language. I know what he's thinking and I'm always planning or thinking when am I going to have energy enough to have sex with him again. No matter how much I tell him and communicate about this he can't change what he wants. i just feel conscious about not being able to meet his needs. Mine needs clash with his because I honestly don't care to have sex if months pass. Sometimes I just have sex so he can be happy and leave me alone for a couple days where I don't feel such constant anxiety. i like the sex but rather no bother with it too much. I'm confused i about our relationship because I know we can be happy together. We have our happy times but I'm confused because of cycle.
Hi, I read your message.. talk to him kindly and make him understand how you feel about everything.. and if he isn’t keep trying again and again,,, but if you have lost hope that he wouldn’t be the same again .. give him sometime alone .. he would know what life would be without you.,, and he would eventually come back to you for good .. but give him some time alone to figure out .. hope you have a good answer , take care .. This pandemic is taking people into next levels .. but please be patient and happy ..
Someone else had posted to be patient, make sure you are communicating your concerns and needs, and see if he will communicate his. And it might mean you may have to give each other space and time alone so you can each consider what you really want in the relationship. I am going to ask you a question, the sex...does he want it just to have it? Or is that his way of showing love to you? Or is that what makes him feel loved? I have similar issues with my boyfriend and we have been together about 7 years, with our own ups and downs. Sex was something that he and I needed to talk to about, because he tends to want it while I don't. But i found out he wants because he's attracted to me and it makes him feel loved and that I am attracted to him.
Yes, I'm working in being able to communicate. That's something I know gets in the way of our relationship. I know I'm individual who likes their independence, solitude. That's why I like planning time for us. I think that's where the sex comes in because to him is like "you look sexy now so let's do it" but to me I'm enjoying this moment. It feels like is not enough to hold each other or have a date without sex. It comes across as if it doesn't involve sex then what's the point. Sex to him seems to be a validation of being loved. He will ask if I find him attractive after going weeks without sex. I just find other things we do together much more deeper for me than sex and I'm not sure if he understands that.
Have you ever heard of a book called the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? It's about how each of us feels loved or more loved when acts of our love language are used. I don't know if it is something you would want to look into. It could at least may be help explain things to him and may be help you both understand each other. If he's open to it. That can also be issue, if he isn't open about trying to understand each other. Relationships can be clique, a lot of give and take, and that involves both parties. I've had to have multiple talks with my boyfriend trying to explain some things to him. I don't have the sex drive like i did when he and i started dating. And trying to explain to him that i want the romance to go with it or that there's too much stress in my life that sex is the last thing on my life....it's a lot of communicating and sometimes communicating things multiple times and different ways/rephrasing.
@passionateDog2393 The book sounds great. Ill give it a try. I'm sure he will be open to it since both us are trying our best to be together. Thankyou for the help
You're welcome. I do hope it helps.
Thank you. I hope things work well with you as well.
@skyDonut Sorry to here this. Hope things get better for you.