Struggling with my relationship.
I struggle with BPD and as of late me and my boyfriend have been going through some tough times. I'm very toxic and abusive towards him without meaning too be. I just need some advice on how to be better, I struggle so much thinking he's going to leave me constantly and I'm scared constantly of him cheating on me or finding better than me. Any advice would be appreciated.
@Mycrownmykingdomx
Hi, I'm sorry that that's happening. I'm sure you'd rather not feel like you're hurting him or being a bad partner. 💜 And can understand that if you see yourself as being difficult to be with, you'd be afraid of him leaving, cheating, or being drawn to someone else.
There's a form of therapy specially designed for BPD called dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and one of the skills that's taught in DBT is "interpersonal effectiveness". It might be worth exploring that and seeing if anything feels like it clicks.
https://www.mindfulnessmuse.com/dialectical-behavior-therapy/basic-assertiveness-skills-for-interpersonal-effectiveness
https://dbt.tools/interpersonal_effectiveness/
For myself personally, I think what helped me the most to avoid hurting others was exploring and coming to a strong sense of what my own boundaries and personal rights are.
- Being able to protect myself and feel like I was able to ensure my own safety reduced my fear/anger toward other people and made it less necessary for me to lash out at others
- As soon as I recognized that I had certain rights/expectations/boundaries that I needed other people to honor in order to feel safe, I found that in order to be consistent, I also had to honor any similar rights/expectations/boundaries that other people might have.
- There are certain things people can't fairly expect me to do. They're welcome to ask though, and while I'm not obligated to do it, it's kind/generous if I decide to do it. If they get angry at me for saying "no" to something where I am completely allowed to say "no", the fault lies with their expectations rather than with my decision.
- There are certain things I can't fairly expect other people to do. I'm
welcome to ask though, and while they're not obligated to do it, it's
kind/generous they decide to do it. It's okay for me to feel unhappy or upset at them for saying "no", but I have to respect their "no" since it is within their rights to refuse what I'm asking for. If I disrespect their "no", then I am hurting them and doing something wrong.