Trust Issues
I'm struggling to trust my partner. We both have very stressful jobs; he prioritizes his over me and I prioritize him over mine (bad; I already know). He is avoidantly attached, I'm anxiously/ambivalently attached. I think our relationship is dying.
He seems to only like me when I'm happy and only seems concerned with meeting my surface needs. As soon as I express a concern or that an emotional need I have isn't being met, he gets defensive and tells me that he likes every part of our relationship except when I bring up an issue, which he describes as "tantrums about fantasy issues."
He's generally a sweet man, who can be a little emotionally dense and impatient. I'm overly deferential, clingy when anxious, and I struggle greatly with regulating my emotions. I'm trying really hard to improve my communication skills, but I feel like I'm doing all of the emotional heavy-lifting (hard to fully determine, since he doesn't communicate with me about his thoughts and feelings as openly or frequently as I do). I can't tell if I just need to say the right thing so he realizes where I'm coming from or if this man has no real interest in a future with me as an equal partner and I'm just wasting my time.
I know there's no way that anyone can provide a real, comprehensive solution based on this snapshot, but any actionable advice would really be appreciated. I just want my brain back. Questions are welcome; will respond within reason.
If additional context helps:
- I have ADHD/ASD; general/social anxiety disorder; CPTSD; depression
- Pretty sure my partner has undiagnosed ADHD, and a host of other unaddressed stuff
- I've known my partner for almost 2 years, we've been dating for about 1 year
- He's a university professor; I work for the government
- I'm in my late 20s; he's a few years older than I am
Hi @unassumingTangerine940 !
Thanks for sharing:)
This is a tough situation; I relate to the experience of dating someone who is rather reserved with their thoughts and feelings. It’s difficult in general, and even moreso when bringing my anxiety into the mix.
My typical answer for this would be communication based, but I’m not sure that would be actionable advice here given his disinterest(? defensiveness?) when talking things through. Have you tried talking to him about how difficult it can be to talk to him on an emotional level? Dismissing your concerns as “tantrums about fantasy issues” is concerning to me because a) what you are working through is valid, even if coming from an emotional place and b) I imagine it’s rather disheartening to try and solve any issue when that has been the response.
While I think there’s definitely other aspects of your relationship that could be addressed—not that putting occupations before relationships is bad, but it read to me as if you are unhappy with that—I think it’ll be difficult to do so if he is unwilling(?) to communicate with you about them. So, I think you’d need to figure out why that is/how to navigate that/untangle that part first.
If you keep hitting roadblocks there, it may be helpful to self assess: how much effort are you interested in putting towards communicating with someone who doesn’t want to communicate? If he isn’t able to communicate with you, what would that mean for your relationship? Are there other ways for you to meet your emotional needs? And, if so, how would that affect your relationship? It may mean renegotiating boundaries, which would circle back to communication.
TLDR; communication is iconically the key to sorting this out, so figuring out his needs in that regard (ie, what kind of communication works best for him and why your previous efforts to do so were discussed) may be the actionable advice I can offer you. When in doubt, consider concise direct questions! They read as less “emotional” and are less likely to make folks who are uninterested in emotional conversations defensive.
I hope this was somewhat helpful! Apologies if it’s not what you needed. Goodluck, though. I’m wishing the both of you well:)
@unassumingTangerine940,
if you two really deeply love each other, if the two of you have a heart to heart connecting, how about relationship therapy?
Because you seem to be stuck in a pattern and I can tell you by experience, patterns tend to only get worse.