Trying to think positively despite knowing my relationship is being tested soon

@sunnyPear5890 I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. It's never easy trying to care and love someone who doesn't want to help themselves anymore and will use manipulation to make you feel otherwise. My first ex was like this, and when he was on drugs, he would constantly say to me "What if something happens to me when you leave", and it kept me stuck in the same toxic situation time after time again. I got fed up with it because I realized I needed to live my own life, for me and be happy. So when he said that to me the last time, I said "well hopefully you'll be fine when I get back" and I left for the day, and it felt weird at first, but I had to do for me, regardless if it hurt him. Once I got back, he was his normal, high self, and nothing happened, or even if it did, it wasn't my issue anymore. There's been several times he'd try and manipulate me into saying & doing things that would cause me to fear and be stuck in the same situation all the time, and I knew better. I just started living for myself and distancing myself from him and the negative drama, and I had to. Eventually, things got so bad, that I lost myself entirely, to the point that all we did was fight, and I had no more emotions or love for him, and I moved back home permanently, and broke things of fwith him 2 weeks later. This was a local relationship, but I'm the queen of long-distance relationships, and have been in a few of them, and they're extremely hard, but as long as you work with each other, it's doable. But him telling you these things is manipulation too. He has BPD, which makes him even more unstable, but it's sad, because I had a friend who had BPD and know people with a lot of borderline traits, they're always afraid of someone leaving, and I think that's A LOT of people in the world who actually feel this way when it comes to having someone, trusting them, and they disappear on us. Even now, I have struggled with that trait too, it's not easy whatsoever, especially him being on the other end, dealing with it, but he has to want to help himself, and he quit working on himself. All you can do is encourage him, but don't lose yourself in the process of it. You're already feeling the huge weight of it on your mental health, and it'll affect you long term. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. I'm the Queen of trauma & toxic relationships, and I'm a person who has done both on both ends of toxicity & trauma. Not only have I've been done by both, but I've done the doing as well. You already understand that you can't fix him and you worry constantly about his health and well-being, which is good, but to a degree. Sometimes we have to let things go that are out of our control or that's affecting us in a negative way. You can care & love him from afar, but until he decides he wants to work on himself, there's not much you can do, but you will lose yourself in a relationship like this. Toxic relationships are the absolute worst. They destroy you and everything around you, etc. Giving him tips and pointers on how to help himself is one thing, he listening & doing is another, but him trying to manipulate you is a huge red flag, and one to tell you to leave that situation alone, but most of us don't, until we cycle into a downward spiral leading nowhere but lost, confused, drained, and mentally wounded. Trying to save you from going down that road further. I do feel for him too just like you. Not easy dealing with that, not even for him, he's the one living with it, that's even worse for him, and can't imagine how he feels. Awful to feel like that on a regular basis, and just dying to belong and to be loved by someone, who actually cares, it's really sad. I feel for those who deal with PD's (Personality Disorders). They constantly have an endless disconnect, never filling the void, self-sabotage, and a feeling of dark emptiness that never leaves their soul. So sad all the way around. I feel for you and hope things get better for the both of you, regardless of what you do, just make sure you don't lose yourself entirely in the process. 💜