an honest reach out for help

Hi,

I haven't used this forum before, but after looking over some of the other threads, I wanted to try asking for help too. I'm 22 years old and I'm in a relationship with this girl. I met her in my school's student union through another friend and we kinda hit it off. Granted, I wasn't looking for a partner at the time because I had just gotten out of a relationship several months prior.

There was something about her that drew me in. I thought she was goofy, open, and someone fresh, so I figured why not take a chance? I'm not a very sociable guy, so when she wanted me to come around her and her friends, I was reluctant. She's 19, and I wasn't sure if I could keep that pace. I didn't really in most cases, but she wanted me around and along for the experience.

I got comfortable as we went on, and so did she. I was never in the healthiest relationships before her, so some things like cuddling, hugging, and public displays were uncomfortable to me. I still wanted her, though. Over time, I got tired of being around her and her friends. I didn't like being there while they had fun and acted carefree. It bothered me in a lot of cases.

Time went on, and, keeping my smoking habits up even though she didn't like them, I moved in secrecy. I would go off and meet with other friends to smoke and try to come back and act like nothing happened. While I don't think it worked much, she still accepted that part of me. There were times where I thought the relationship would end because of the smoking, but the further we went, the more I realized my own insecurities and emotions were a factor. I don't know how to communicate well, so it is difficult to express my frustrations and thoughts. Sometimes I feel like it doesn't make sense how I feel and I don't want to sound stupid in trying to articulate it.

I think on some of the times that I got really frustrated with her. There was one point where I got drunk before she visited, and when she got there, she greeted me and then started to inspect me. She thought I had been cheating on her. Another time I remember is how, after some months together and doing other sexual acts, I wanted to move on to the next step. I was frustrated because she was eager to try some things, like "just the tip" but didn't want to go further. To me, it was like she was teasing me with enticement. That argument almost lead to a breakup in itself.

Following that, I started to lose interest in a lot of things with her. I didn't take initiative in planning out things with her, sometimes I'd ignore her calls and texts in favor of smoking or doing other things without her. I would get irritated, and stay that way, for a long time, letting go in some cases and still holding on to it in others. I bore grudges about certain issues that could've been resolved through talking about what bothered me and why. I would begin to check out in situations, acting indifferent and inconsiderate to her most basic needs. I started to choose me over her, and I didn't care about what she had going on much. My feelings fluctuate from time to time, and I don't always explain myself or try to. We're coming up on a year and I think that we are going to see an end.

I haven't felt preemptive in my relationship, and I don't really make efforts to try at proactivity. I'm not doing well with myself. I have issues that I can't go to her to because I feel that she's ahead of me in life. She's outgoing, sociable and committed while I am in place.

I feel like I need and want her in my life, but I don't put the energy in to see it through. I don't even try anymore, and ending the relationship is hard. I love her, but I don't think I love her the same way anymore. Times together are filled with more irritations than strengthening. I'm not sure who to turn to about my feelings, and I don't really know where to look. I hope that someone who reads this can help.