being vulnerable after toxic relationship
So I've started dating this guy. ive started to really like him . we were having a conversation about past relationships. he said his past relationship was a toxic one and that left him really hurt. so he has built this wall to protect himself. he doesn't think it is worth expressing emotions to anyone. he believes in stoicism.
he doesn't believe in showing vulnerability to anyone. he said he will protect, care, love but he won't express it. and i don't agree to that. i think showing vulnerability, being able to express love and ones emotional need is essential to form a deep connection.
he said he's capable of loving. he'd love someone unconditionally but won't show it.
this is the first time I'm dating anyone. is it possible to be open to love and being vulnerable and trusting after a toxic relationship?
@tallScarf4151
It is possible many are closed off after a bad relationship. many try this distance or not show it thing but that seldom works either for them OR the person they date....
People need to be able to open up and show their feelings unless they plan on just casual dating with no real future thought of a relationship.... if you are looking for a long term thing your choice is wait until he is ready to open up again ( may not happen) or not waste your time and move on
it is true. he’s really vulnerable. and it is going to be difficult for him to open up as soon. but that doesn’t mean he won’t.
you need to mke him feel reassured and validate his feelings.
he needs to realise that you’re not like his ex and don’t have any bad intentions.
it will take time and efforts but it will eventually happen.
I want to make him feel reassured and validated. but he doesn't open up about what he's feeling.
recently we had a bit of a difficult situation. instead of talking about how it made him feel, he just sweeped it under the rug.
when i asked him why he doesn't want to talk about it, he said there's no use to talk about feelings now. what happened, happened. and that we need to keep moving.
@tallScarf4151 sounds like me. Whenever I have told this to any of the girls I’ve dated since last year - I have only received cold judgement. Please don’t be that girl. The guy wants to let you in while sharing that the path may not be smooth. Reject this at an early stage if you don’t imagine this as your type of relationship to fix too much but don’t be too late in breaking his heart. May you both find warmth and kindness in each other!
@tallScarf4151
well , i think that yes its possible to love someone but it dosent mean that someone should share their all feelings to their other boyfriend. this might be your first relationship but not your first argument , lets say he decides to open up to you and you use it in an argument when you are in a fight with him verbally . then in a way you will be breaking his trust again . so , isnt sometimes its just better not to know it until one can sign a paper on confidentiality that you will never reveal it to anyone. its weird but true. the question is how will you convince anyone that you will not betray their trust in any situation?
think about it.
It is possible, however it can be extremely hard especially depends on what his home life was like growing up as well. He was he taught how to show love? Was he developmentally guided on how to express love to others? There are a lot of factors that feed into this.
It sounds like in his past relationship he was hurt pretty badly, and you may never know the extent to it. My partner and I both came from abusive relationships in the past before we met each other. We took our relationship very slow (4 years in and still not engaged). Through this time we have built a foundation for ourselves, and some truama we didn’t “unbury” till 2+ years into our relationship. However having a strong foundation made it easy for us to over come obstacles throughout our relationship.
I would give him time, allow him to heal and be patient with him. Show him how to be loved, and how to love others. Learn each others love languages and go from there.
@tallScarf4151 He may have his reason. The people who has a terrible experience may not show others what is he all about. You can heal him step by step. It may a little bit difficult, but It will get better. Hope you two get along happily.
