feeling unwanted
my partner and i started becoming close early april when he moved into my flat as a roommate, we instantly hit it off and formed a strong connection. we both agreed since we just got out of relationships we weren’t looking for anything serious, (fwb). but, like always we caught feelings and it turned out to be more.
i, however, had to pretty much had to beg him to ask me to his his girlfriend. after waiting for him to make up his mind for two months, i gained some self respect back and removed myself from the situation. i saw other people, decreased my time spent with him, texting him by a lot and it lasted about 3 weeks for him to come crying back saying he changed his mind. saying he cared about me more than the fear of the relationship not working out; said he was willing to try. after about a week of thinking about it i, of course, went back to him because of how safe and happy he made me feel. I tried to ignore the fact i had to ask him multiple times again and again to ask me officially, he kept using the excuse “i definitely will but i’m waiting for the right time”.
anyway, fast forward, he asked me officially and i accepted excitedly. we blossomed beautifully and we were so happy. he taught me how to communicate better (since i’ve had trouble in the past) listened to all my struggles. we’ve been dating for almost 2 months, yet i still feel sort of unwanted. my love languages, physical touch and words of affirmation, i get very little of. maybe i’m overthinking.. i always initiate physical stuff. cuddles, planning to see him. i’ve stopped trying to initiate sex because most of the time he’s not in the mood.. it’s when i feel the most mutual love and connection with him and when it barely ever happens it sort of takes away something.
i’ve noticed he’ll only initiate cuddles or whatever when i’m visibly upset to try and make me feel better, but why not when i’m happy and in a good mood to be with him? i’ve been an emotional wreck, especially after getting the implant birth control. my hormones are 2x worse and i don’t feel like myself at all, and for what, him to nut in me every two weeks ? lasting one round??!! sis. not feeling it…
trying to tell myself i’m self sabotaging and to chill the *** out. but i can’t stop thinking about it.
You know what you're just letting some other guy ruin your life, i think you should just stop expecting thing's from him and live your life your way make some space for yourself, do thing's which you like to do and plan thing's accordingly just don't let your everything planned according to him okayy
You're right never get attached it'll only bring misery and pain nothing is permanent people change
@communicativeKiwi1579
All of that (his hesitancy, his ‘waiting for the right time’, his recent breakup, his lack of interest in physical intimacy and initiative) suggests a lack of commitment.
There could be any number of reasons for this. Its possible he hasn’t resolved his own feelings about his ex. It’s possible his past relationship taught him something (about how he’s not ready for serious commitment, or that he’s not as interested in dating and commitment as he previously thought). OR maybe he thought his ex was ‘the one’ and when it ended he was disillusioned and now doesn’t know what he’s supposed to feel about relationships; maybe he was/is waiting for her to come back and salvage the relationship (which is why he kept resisting your partnership because that would close the door on his ex, or complicate the situation if he seemed to be moving on). Maybe he was rebounding with you and just missed having an emotion connection with someone; hence why he was so eager to click with you then in the immediate aftermath of his breakup.
I think maybe from his perspective he was initially clear about not having a serious relationship with you (for whatever reason, because of his ex or otherwise). At the time that was how he felt; and he was probably genuine in his resolve not to have a serious relationship with you. When you had a change of heart and decided you wanted a relationship after all; I suspect he didn’t quite feel that same level of commitment to the idea - as he didn’t agree to it immediately; did not suggest it himself, was subtly rejecting the idea. Even after you went to see other people he did not immediately decide to be in a relationship with you ; although it ultimately seemed to sway his decision rather than lose you. So my instinct tells me he very possibly was hedging between you and his ex - sort of biding his time, seeing if his ex would come back and resolve things with him. Then when you pressured him for a relationship that probably put him in a conflicted position because on the one hand he might have been waiting for an ex who [might] never come back and on the other there was you who was a more ‘safe’/secured option in the here and now.
I feel like that [might] explain much of his behaviour; and the lack of sexual intimacy is probably because it is now happening in a relationship context [commitment again] rather than a FWB context (casual; non committed, no strings attached). He seems to be doing the bare minimum to keep you (consoling you when you’re distressed about the relationship, occasional sex etc) but his actual level of commitment if left to his own desires and initiative seems to be lacking.
I am of course speculating a lot in all of this, but hopefully it might give you something to consider in understanding his behaviour. Of course a frank conversation about your relationship with him might reveal more answers than anyone here can provide!
Wishing you all the best with everything!
CatsInTheCradle
Wow so many things make sense there.. becoming clear to me now. I don’t know about his ex, from what I understand he ended things with her because he only felt a friendship between them. But thank you so much for all that!
@communicativeKiwi1579
I also missed the obvious here 😂 Since he’s your flat mate there might also be a concern originally that it would complicate the living arrangement if your relationship was to go badly! And it would also put your relationship on a rather accelerated timeline; since most partnerships spend quite a while in the honeymoon phase building their connection before they move in together.
So that also might have been weighing on his mind when he was deciding about your offered relationship. Maybe he is someone who previously preferred casual relationships and planned on staying that way ; and then suddenly he was living with his partner who was previously his FWB, so he might feel that all escalated very quickly…
More of my thoughts!
CatsInTheCradle