hello

I had a girl that im interested to, but i cheated on her with another girl since we we're not in a relationship but we had a deal that we will be only entertaining with each other, at first I did not break our deal, however after I confessed to her that I liked her, she changed. She was pushy with me to leave her because shes acting distant and cold, she showed how nonchalant she was, and there were insensitive actions and words she had also said before that made me question myself somehow, and that led me to crave the attention and love I want and made me cheat on her with someone. We did the deed between November and December last year. I know it was wrong, and i promised myself that i will never ever do that because i experienced that with my toxic ex and because my dad also cheatedcon my mom a lot of times. But still, i dont know why i did that but i did what i did because of the attention she had given me even though i know the attention and love that i truly want is from the person that i confessed to. I didnt tell the person that i liked what happened to me and that girl, but when January came, someone told her. Shec onfronted me about it however i reasoned out that the girl liked me first and didnt tell her the whole truth maybe because of the shame, and guilt and maybe because of the expectations of others that i keep on living up to that im a good person and i wouldnt do something so disappointing aand immoral. To make it short, I still kept on lying to her for months, I couldn't admit to her everything that I have done in one sitting or one confession, because of the embarrasment and disgusted realization of what I did to her. Although I know I regretted it a lot but it wouldnt change anything anymore and i still cant give her a proper explanation of all the things ive done. I made it worse when I ruined her name and made up stories about her because I thought she ruined mine by posting my confession of what i did and because I couldnt accept that she was entertaining someone after 8 months of trying. But now she's back again but im still not treating her right with respect because I still keep on reasoning out or Im still having a hard time admiutting it because of the guilt and sometimes i tend to raise my voice when im explaining. She's tired of the repeated cycle because I couldnt put action with my words and i keep on hurting her, i dont know how to be a better partner but i want to be better, how can i accept what i did? and how can i be better?

i was also suicidaal because of what ive done because i cant accept what i did, i feel like im becoming a narcissist for being too self centered or a pathological liar, can you determine if I am?