Always feeling excluded and left out
I think Im bad at being a friend sometimes… maybe I have lots of social anxiety or it’s cause I always keep to myself and im too quiet private about myself that makes friends less interested in me?…and why I end up getting left out in many friend circles over the years and having many casual friends and acquaintances and no close friends.
So it seems I got this realization cause I met a friend last year, we actually met off a friendship app where users chat and meet to become friends. So we started hanging out last year and I was skeptical with his intentions of wanting to be friends with me mostly because he already has many of his own close friends… so what do I have to offer? And we’re also different in many ways. So last year after few months know each other he would sometimes randomly text me many times “you alive” that he seemed to want to maintain our friendship and one night we were hanging out with his friends he said to me “he wants us to have a better relationship” which really hit me cause I wanted the same that we could be best friends since I never really had a best friend in my life. I also even looked up to him as well.
Fast forward a year later he doesn’t ever text me anymore, I never hear from him since he rarely makes posts on social media, and he doesn’t even like my posts on social media anymore too which he used to do. Sometimes I think he might be going through stuff or he’s changed in some way. I have sometimes initiated texts to try to keep in contact but it’s usually not much of a long convo or it’s just very quick small talk. I text him suggesting on things we could do and hanging out but he doesn’t sound very interested since responses are short and vague. Makes me feel irrelevant to him no longer worthy to him in comparison to his other friends since it seems he’d prefer hanging out with people who’re better than me I feel. He just recently posted a photo of him and his friends (who I’ve met through him and have hung out with) all hanging out without me… which makes me feel so left out and I hate that feeling of always feeling left out. I sometimes think he wants nothing to do with me anymore and sucks cause last year he wanted to know more about me and used to invite me to hang out and now doesnt anymore and when I text to see if he wants do something it comes off like he doesn’t really want to and really put much effort in doing so. Although we’re still friends on Facebook and I’ve also hanged out with one of his close friends/coworker consistently in last month, I haven’t seen him or really talked to him that much which makes me wonder if we’re not really friends and I should try to move on and not be so depressed about it or if it’s all in my head again…
@jcbismet's
I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch, friend wise. I can relate to some of what you were explaining. Unfortunately, it looks like your friend kind of moved forward without you, and that hurts for sure. Starting over again may be a necessary option, meaning finding a new friend. It's definitely difficult to communicate feelings, especially with people who you "kind of" know but aren't super close with yet, but communication about how you're feeling, even if you share that you are generally feeling a little awkward but want to figure out how to develop stronger relationships, is a good start. I think people will relate more than you realize. It seems like some people can do it easily, but I think it's a struggle for many. Finding someone who "gets you" can take a series of attempts, which is frustrating but worth it if you meet the right friend at the end of the journey.
it’s insane how much a relate to your post. i am experiencing a very similar situation with one of my friends. i just want you to know that you are not alone. i am not entirely sure how to deal with this feeling myself, but maybe writing to you will allow me to make some sense of my own situation.
i relate to your feelings of being left out. i have trouble opening up to people which causes a separation between myself and others. maybe i just haven’t met the right people yet, but i’ve only experienced a few times when i really “clicked” with someone. even then, it was pretty short lived.
if there is one thing that i realized, it’s that people change. it’s just part of growth. and that sucks since i don’t actively seek out new relationships and prefer to revert back to the same friends over and over again. i’m not sure why, maybe it’s just because it’s easier than meeting new people. however, every time i go back to them they have changed and our friendship just doesn’t feel the same. we grow apart, develop new interests, and then when we finally hang out we don’t have much in common anymore.
i also realized that it is unfair for me to assume that the people in my life are going to stay constant, because that takes work from both people. i can’t control how much effort someone else wants to put into the relationship. it’s hard to accept that people will come and go. especially when they are particularly special to you. but i found that holding onto people like that just becomes very unfulfilling. you deserve better. we all do.
im not saying that your friendship is doomed for the rest of eternity. that might not be true. but at the moment your friend is not giving you the friendship you deserve. i know it’s not as easy as it sounds, but we both have to learn to let go. at least in the moments when we feel unhappy or unsatisfied with the relationship.
it’s natural for people to become enthralled by a new friend group or dynamic, completely entrap themselves in it, and consequently leave behind what they already had without even realizing it. then they find something new again and the whole cycle repeats over. it’s all just part of experiencing life’s offers. maybe we should start to seek out those feelings of excitement too.
it’s easy to place the blame on yourself, but just know that friendship is a two way street. it’s not your fault. give it time and if your friend wants to come back to you, he will. but don’t try and force anything, you may just end up being disappointed. it’s natural to be in your head about something like this. next time you find yourself wondering about him, ask yourself: why am i thinking about him? am i bored? am i sad? maybe thinking about tackling the root cause without him will help you worry about him less often. i find myself wanting to text my old friends when i am feeling stressed, so instead i go make a cup of tea.
i hope this was helpful. again, i’m still learning to cope with this myself. i wish you the best.
An update; I’ve been hanging out and texting my friend’s friend (whose his coworker and also a friend of mine) more lately. I was texting his friend on New Year’s Eve asking about some exciting news about him and his girlfriend that he personally shared with me and after midnight wished him a Happy New Year. After I wished him a happy new year, little while later my friend(the one I’ve been talking about) texted me for once (first time in a long time he’s ever initiated to me) saying: “Happy new year (my name)” which I was genuinely surprised. New Year’s Eve I was at a point where I felt ready to move on and focus on “better” friends but it seems he still wants us to remain solid friends since he finally reached out to me.
However he may have reached out cause he was probably hanging with his coworker friend the one I’ve been chatting with on New Year’s Eve. If he was with him and his girlfriend since the coworker friend told me him and her were at a restaurant they frequently go to, our friend may have reminded him about me or mentioned that I texted him. So if he was not with them he probably wouldn’t have considered reaching out to me or forgot about me but I appreciate the effort he made.
Now I wonder if I should try and see if he still wants to do anything with me and hope we can still do things together and have fun again like before.