Distancing myself from a friend who is liar
Hi:
I had been wondering for a while if a friend of mine has an issue with lying as I have been questioning some of the things he said in the past. Yesterday, I caught him in three yesterday and I have decided not to invest time in him because I can't trust him.
For now, I am taking a break from him on social media and also probably going to delete his contact information from my phone. If he does try to reach out about getting together, I will tell him, I won't be able to get together with him for a while.
@Summershy
I am sorry that you were dealing with somebody you cannot trust!
We need trust it's so important. Without trust we cannot trust ourselves because of the many potential outcomes. I have no place for liars in my life. Do your best to find trustworthy people, not gamers.
You're not alone, we all have to deal with liars cheats and gamers who have the goal to get over on us. Message me if you ever want to chat. Blessings, Day🤗
@juliak1968
I am very sad about doing this to him but after catching him in three lies, I have decided that it's probably not a good idea for me to associate with him. He has some serious issues that are beyond our control and I don't want to put any labels on him.
@Summershy
Yes I understand how difficult it can be to make the decision to let somebody go, we'll always wonder if there was something we could do to change a person. But the simple fact is it's never a good idea to help a person that isn't willing to help themselves. You can still be friendly to this person from a distance just so that you can keep it real with them with him and give advice about being honest and truthful and the importance of it. But you don't want to ever become an enabler too bad behavior. The most important person is you, so try to surround yourself with honest people,: it's not easy. Believe it or not I had to distance myself from my own mother for my own well-being because she has no class lies and steals from her own children and causes lots of unnecessary drama. It's really hard when you have to stay away from somebody you care about. I wish you all the best, many blessings. 👍🤗
Regards, Day
@juliak1968
I have observed that he is the type who will bud into conversations and start hogging the conversation with his lies and be the center of attention. He likes being the center of attention all the time.
@Summershy
That does sound like like he has an ego mixed with a lot of game, (the self-centered type). It might just be best you keep your distance. I found that people like that take away your focus so you wind up not even being able to take good care of yourself with all the distractions lies, and manipulation. It looks like you made a good call. Trust your instincts, they've gotten you this far. 👣👣👣👣🤗
@juliak1968
Yes he is
@Summershy I think it depends on the lies and why they were told. If this person meant something to you, try to have a conversation with them about why. You might learn something that surprises you. If they don't, move on -- but don't be cruel.
@dworth257
Based on what I have read, I think he is a pathological liar who is narcissistic. For one thing, he seems to enjoy being the center of attention and does what he can to take the attention away from other people. When I saw him on Sunday, he interrupted me twice and starting dominating the conversation and lying.
I also asked him another question which he was vague about and I politely said, "Ah." The next thing I know he goes, "I am not supposed to tell you a lot of details, sorry," Then he avoided me by moving as far away from me as possible
@Summershy someone who is a true narcissist doesn't just lie and like attention -- those are usually just bad manifestations of an inner problem. A pathological narcissist is an actual evil human being capable of committing incredible harm to other people. Someone who even cares a little bit about others is not a pathological narcissist.
@Summershy also, interrupting people and dominating a conversation is not narcissism. They might not even know they're doing it, or possibly feel the resentment you have towards them and are doing a bad job at trying to gain your respect or affection back. Human psychology is very complicated. Just be careful how you treat people. How you treat those who make mistakes defines your character.
Hi, so I'm just gonna say what others have said... sometimes lying has other causes than narcissism. Narcissim involves so much more than lying. You won't know why he lies until you ask him why. Saying "I'm not supposed to tell you the details" vs "I won't tell you the details" implies to me that he's not trying to be malicious or manipulative to harm you. Interrupting and dominating the conversation can be a symptom of ADHD, "compulsive talking". Lying is more common in kids with ADHD. My point is not to diagnose him. My point is there may be more that we, and you, don't know about.
You certainly have the right to distance yourself from him regardless of why this is happening, and I hope that you do to maintain your own peace. I encourage you to get curious about this because getting angry & jumping to conclusions will eat you alive and it will only harm you (been there). Though it doesn't take away from the betrayal, your friend's intentions simply may not have been to betray you in the first place. I hope you take it easy for yourself these next few days, weeks - however long you need. Sorry bout the long post.
A link for you about ADHD and lying in case you want to look into it: https://adhdcenterforsuccess.com/site/what-is-the-connection-between-adult-adhd-and-lying/
@Lexloveslife
Yes he does have ADHD and autism spectrum disorder, which I know are not the cause of this, Where do I get the NPD from?
1. He is overly self-confident and conceited
2. He is extremely controlling
3. When he lies, he uses the "I'm the hero that saves the day from those bad and evil people." He will also lie when he does not need to. He also makes up stories about other people that he he does not need to.
4. He always puts others down for silly reasons
5. He likes being the center of attention and if that gets taken away from him then he starts his lying
Both ADHD and autism are going to impair someone's ability to pick up social cues. Your best bet if you want to remain friends with him and he is causing you stress is to be is friend from a distance. If you want to hang out with him, gently correct him when he's wrong. Otherwise, you know he's got two disorders that can impact functioning and you don't like how he behaves with you... You don't have to stay. No need to label him narcissistic, though, when these could really be manifestations of his autism and ADHD. Getting curious about these issues (autism, ADHD, NPD) rather than angry might help you heal. I've had experience with narcissistic people. Both of my parents exhibit behaviors that have been wildly detrimental to my mental health. The most prominent trait they had? Intent to hurt me. Someone that says "I wasn't supposed to tell you the details, sorry" - is not out to hurt you. "Wasn't supposed to?" Doesn't that sound strange for a narcissist? A narcissist would most likely just keep on with the lie or challenge you with something like "what, you don't believe me?"
There may be other things but I'm going off the specific phrase I read from you. I know the pain of betrayal well no matter if it came from a narcissistic parent or a misunderstanding or a different illness from a friend... & staying curious when I get angry helps me to slow down for a minute. Walking away when I could has been crucial. If his behavior bothers you, you don't have to stick around no matter what the reason is. You don't owe anyone an explanation either. It's all up to you. I feel your anger, frustration, hurt. I get it. I wish you the best and again, I'm sorry for these long posts. I'm long-winded. Take care of yourself, you deserve to.
@Lexloveslife
To add, I'm not excusing his lies. I'm not excusing him interrupting you. What I'm saying is he may be doing this and not understand the full implications of these behaviors. Again, you don't have to sympathize with him. You can be angry. These behaviors are frustrating. I'm just putting it out there that ADHD & autism can have big effects on a person's interpretations of social cues and that it may not be malicious.
@Lexloveslife
I know what you mean as I am on the spectrum myself and I have ADHD but I have had lots of social skills. Autism does not come with NPD tendencies. Usually, there would be underlying conditions. I also have had family members with mental illness and NPD is one of them. However, not all of them lie all the time. They are always right and think that this or that was their idea.
As for my friend, I love him to death but he has problems with lying and control. He has treated other people poorly many times and it's never his fault. It's always them.
@Lexloveslife
I would love to be friends with him but he has not treated other people very well.
@Summershy
I support your decision to distance yourself from him. In the past I've let people mistreat me and lied to me, and it derailed my personal progress in life. My father always said don't let people like that rent space in your head. It makes good sense and so do you. Don't let anybody including him try to tell you otherwise, they will play on your emotions and try to make you feel like you've done something wrong or neglected somebody. So you must save yourself an advocate for yourself.👍👣👣👣👣👣👣 Just walk away!
Blessings, Day
@Summershy
There's nothing stopping you from walking away, you know? We all have suggested you walk away & support your choice. It's hard to do, but if you feel like you've been treated poorly and if you don't think he will get any better, you can leave or take a break. Or as someone else suggested, you can be his friend from a distance rather than completely leaving. You don't have to explain to anyone, no matter what. I get that you love your friend. I'm just not sure how to help if talking to him about his lying - asking him why, correcting when he's doing something wrong, etc. - is out of the question. You're not obligated to "fix" him or anything, but I'm not really sure how you'd compromise. So maybe taking some space from him is best.
