Friendships....are complicated for me.

 Just a warning: <LONG READ>

A bit of backstory/context:

Friendships have always been a bit difficult for me.

Most of my childhood was spent inside my room watching TV or YouTube. I wasn't really allowed to truly make friends with the kids at school (for example, I wasn't allowed to have any of them over or go to their houses, nor was I allowed to attend any events they were throwing.) Basically, I see them for about 8 hours, and then we go our separate ways, and while I heard stories of them hanging out together in leisure, I was in my room, alone. I wanted friends, I really did, but I wasn't allowed to make any. So I did the next best thing: I made "friends" with the YouTubers I was watching. ( I would just call them my friends) And this went on for years. I eventually got used to this and stopped pursuing friends altogether. Sights that used to cause me immense loneliness and anger (like seeing a friend group hanging out and having fun) now barely raise in me a feeling of ambivalence. Maybe it's growth, maybe it's a bad coping strategy. At this moment, I'm not really sure. I used to hate being alone, but now it's the only thing I am truly comfortable with. I used to need companionship badly, but now I am content with solitude.

Now, to the reason I'm writing this.

I, by reason of my clowining (my genial countenance, or "face" when I am around others), have people who would consider me their friend. Although I do not consider myself their friend. We only see each other twice a week for approximately an hour and a half, every single week (not even that, more akin to 15 minutes, 30 minutes maximum every session). 

Regardless of this, they (multiple people btw) consider me their friend. Yet I loathe going there every single week. I despise having to communicate, and would much rather stay home by myself. But due to circumstances beyond my control, I am denied this pleasure. So every week, I attend, and every week, I leave feeling worse than when I stepped foot in the building. Everyone, of course, is unaware of how I feel. ( I promise this will make sense very soon)

So recently, I fell ill and missed a few sessions. I enjoyed these missed opportunities greatly. I felt at peace, and greatly needed the break. But of course, all things pass, and I eventually got better, and as my illness subsided, I knew that the inevitable would occur, and I would have to return to the place I sought refuge from.

I did not enjoy my return.  It was especially difficult for me to muster up the same forced geniality as before. And I fear it showed. The very same people who were kind and good-natured toward me received little more than shallow greetings from me. (Of course, I was cordial and agreeable) Yet, I was not as indulgent in making conversation with them. There would always seem to be a convenient distraction posed to me by another person, and I was all too willing to participate in an escape/shift focus away from me. Sometimes there was a distraction, other times there was none, and I was forced to act as if I were so engaged in a conversation or thought that I would rush right past them, without a word. And I can see in their faces that they notice. 

In the past, I've had a nasty habit of this. It was incredibly difficult for me to force conversations about things that I did not concern myself with, with people I had a very indifferent regard of...so I would ignore them. Not out of spite or malice, but simply because puerile conversations bored me to tears.

However, this was different. Although the same escape strategy was implemented, the reasons were different, the reason being that they were the opposite gender from me. Now, before you view me as biased or a big*ted, please allow me to explain. 

For my entire life, I was influenced by gendered expectations and scrutiny within the religious community. To put it simply, the environment mirrored a panopticon. While there were no prison cells, there were cells of conduct, so to speak. This, and the reality that many in this figurative panopticon were raging gossipers, caused me to be wary of my interactions with the opposite gender, namely, men. 

So... you understand the issue? 

I had partially ignored people (guys) who were kind to me in the past due to a lack of human exposure, and the ever-present reminder that every person is watching my every move, and anything can be misconstrued as a romantic gesture, and cause repercussions. Especially since I do have romantic feelings toward one of them. ( No one is aware of this) 

So, dear reader, I require advice. How do I navigate this? How should I balance my need for solitude with their "friendship"? How could I apologize? 

Thank you for reading.