Friend stopped calling me and now only calls my wife
I only have three friends that I usually talk/text with, usually it's me contacting them rather than them reaching out to me. One of these friends, my oldest of the three is bipolar and does pretty good when he is on his medication. He has called me cussing me out in the middle of the night before when he was off his medication. Has been rude to me many times and he does have somewhat of a miserable life. So, I have tried to look past all that as well as other things in our past. I would call him more often than any of the others, usually 2 or 3 times a week to check on him. Our conversations where mainly one sided and he hardly ever called me. I sometimes get down about the fact that it is always me reaching out so I decided to wait. After about a week and a half and not hearing from him, I asked my wife to call and check on him. Now for the past 3 months he has been calling my wife about 2 or 3 times a week talking with her and not once to me. He called my wife yesterday just as we were about to do something. My wife sat down and started talking. After a few minutes I decided to write here a note that basically said "I don't want to be rude but get off the phone with him". I didn't really care about being rude to him since he has been rude to me in the past. this caused a conflict with my wife because after he questioning of me about why I got her off the phone, I responded to her in a very upset way and let out some pent up frustrations. Now I'm on the outs with my wife. It seems like he no longer wants to hear from me, but he would gladly be my wife's friend. I'm saddened by this and insulted that he would do this to me.
@picturethis1X
Maybe I am just a man, but once I experienced something similar (the difference was it was another lady calling to my partner Sunday morning, while we were trying to spend some quiet time together) and I would feel very uncomfortable with such a situation. It sounds like something unsafe neither for you, nor for your marriage.
What made your friend passive and not very interested in talking with you, but actively calling your wife? Is that a difference of talking to a woman? Or the guy seeing your wife as a "mother" for him in the emotional sense?
Anyway, it looks like your wife's priorities were somewhere off the road. Picking up the phone, talking to another person and not making the conversation short when you planned to do something together? Does she feel needed or flattered by talking to him? Or her mother instinct taking the lead?
I am afraid this is a kind of situation where most male friendships would come to end.
But the problem is it was you who asked your wife to call him...
How would you like to solve it now?
Also, it could raise some questions about what is your definition of friendship: Does friendship for you mean taking care of someone, or being more on equal terms, with both sides actively calling, talking and supporting each other?
@jacek73
Yes, I feel a big part of it is him seeking a mother figure or a delusional wife he never had? We are all old, in our mid to late 60's and he is not in the best of health physically or mentally. His mother passed away a year ago and he had quite a mental episode after that. Much has gone on with both of our lives in this year and as I tried to be there for him he seemed to care less. I did ask my wife to check in on him and didn't mind his calls at first, but then it got old and seemed clear to me that he didn't care to talk to me. I will continue to worry about him even though I may not speak to him again. My wife says she will no longer be in the middle. I don't blame her. But, I know she worries for him to.... so should I try to get her to continue even though it hurts me? ughhh!!! Thank You so very much for letting me vent and you taking your time to respond. It really does help to talk : )
@picturethis1X
I think it's very wise of your wife deciding to not be in the middle. Maybe I am a bit old-fashioned (being 50+ myself), but I believe it's important if you can help your friend together, but not becoming separated by that.
Also, I would wonder if your wife trying to replace your friend's mother could do more good or harm. I guess you cannot feel responsible for "repairing" somebody's entire life, with the choices he made (like having no partner or his own family, if I understand clearly)?
@jacek73
He has other women in his life but no girlfriend and never married, Not sure if he sees them as mother figures. I spoke with my wife about it again and I told her she is helping him out by talking to him and that it's up to her if she continues to do so. I'll just try to avoid listening to it and leave the room if I can. As far as our friendship goes I hate to say it but it's over. Especially since he doesn't want to talk to me anyway. I'm trying to get over the hurt and move on.
Thanks again for your help : )
@picturethis1X Yeah not gonna lie this is a tough situation. One sided friendships are never fun and it definitely hurts a little when you realize that ur always the one reaching out first and starting any conversations and so on. It especially sucks when ur reaching out being nice to check on someone who you see as a friend, but then he isn't checking up on you in return. Lastly, to me personally, the contacting ur wife thing is unacceptable. He clearly doesn't care too much for you, but like you said he'd gladly be your wifes friend, thats a red flag. I wouldnt want one of my "friends" to be talking to my wife all the time and getting closer and closer venting to each other.
@MrDJ2122
I did ask my wife to call and check on my friend at first and I was ok with it for a while until it got to me. We are all in our 60's and he is somewhat decrepit, and not my wife's type, so no sexual type threats there : ) So, I'm mixed up somewhat on helping my "friend" feel better by talking to my wife and me feeling sad that he doesn't care to speak to me. So, I know it's a platonic relationship and she is talking to him to try and help him out but at the same time he seems to have abandoned me . . . even though it has been a very odd relationship due to his illness etc... he is, or was a friend. Just want to try and balance the right way to feel about this for me vs what is the right thing to do ethically? Thank You for your time and response : )
@picturethis1X,
sounds like a pretty one sided friendship, you putting in effort and him not.
I've had one sided friendships and I got to the point that I stopped pursuing them. And I didn't miss them as it was not what I'd call friendship.
Let is be, and if your wife is OK talking with him, that's fine. But if you and your wife have plans or are in the middle of something, then he should be told it's inconvenient and to call back another time.
@dukeofdearham
I agree, even though I still battle if it is right?
Thank You for your advice : )