Grad school is lonely, how do I make friends?
I am working on improving my ability to make friends. I'm a grad student in a new country, so it's essential that I have some form of support group besides mom and dad back home.
I've struggled with making friends my whole life, mostly because some pretty severe bullying as a kid left me wary of showing any kind of interest in being around people for fear or being considered clingy, or worse. I'm trying to break out of that fear and so far I've been doing okay. However I've run into snags.
I want to make friends within my school program who I can see every day and share common experiences with. I've found trying to make friends with people with simply the same hobbies as me, like art or movies, but who don't understand my school and my work, hasn't worked out because I feel misunderstood and like I can't talk to anyone about my career or education, because it's really my biggest passion and feels like who I am. I tried online dating stuff too and got the exact same feelings about romantic relationships too. I like my hobbies, sure, but it feels like true friendship isn't talking about your favorite movies every day and nothing else. That's just a shared interest. It might work for some people, but it hasn't worked for me making friends that way.
But. This is grad school, which is notoriously antisocial and lonely. No one talks to each other willingly. Everyone is very reclusive and quiet. So I've had to be the one to break out of my shell and decide to try to get people together, which has been really really hard.
I decided to make a study group for our course. It had good reception from people initially. But now no one goes, and I really just wish there were more excitement and enthusiasm and wanting to get to know each other kind of stuff going on. I'm the one trying to reach out, really desperately trying to get people connected. And yet, I'm the one with the biggest disconnect of all, because it feels like everyone else already has something established here that I don't. I don't know what I've done wrong. It makes me want to just pull back into my shell.
I know most people don't already have their friendships established here. A lot of students are international like me. But when I reach out they're always too busy or just don't respond so it feels like they have groups and events and connections. And I don't. I try to make friends with my roommates, since they're around, but they have negative attitudes that suck the joy out of my move, complaining about everything here and saying it's all terrible and they don't want to go when all I want to do is explore and enjoy my life here.
How do you make friends as an adult? How do you connect when it feels like no one else wants to? How do you not give up? I just want one or two people I know I could text or call at any time and they'd be there, but I don't think friends like that exists for people in my situation. Forming friendships as a kid was hard for me, but I'm finding as an adult it is absolutely miserable.
@casiopea3199
Aside from being in grad school, I feel like I could have written a lot of this post.
As a 35-year old, I also have noticed that it gets difficult to make more friends as an adult. Like yourself, I have been in the position (repeatedly) of the one person trying to get people together to throw on events or parties. With varying degrees of success.
I recently attended a hot springs swimming activity for those of my age group (and scaling younger). Immediately, I noticed that people were either left to their own devices by themselves, or had sequestered themselves within the groups they arrived with right away.
Even in the area of which I have lived for the past 7 years, I have seen people come and go in my life--even people that, at one time, occupied best friend(s) status for me.
And admittedly, it's been difficult for me, as an ambivert, to not let that stuff get to me. And by "get to me" I just mean the expenditure of actual energy in the social or dating scene. As you stated for yourself, I feel like it can be tempting to shift all the way towards introversion because of these frustrations.
I've often wondered, both in dating and just general socializing, what exactly people (at large) are looking for. Perhaps they don't even know, and I do suppose that's only fair. But the point of all this is, is that I can (and do) validate everything you've said. For those of us who date or socialize with intention, it really is beyond vexing to be operating in an environment where those around us may not have the same (or any) intention(s) of their own.
@casiopea3199 Hey, I can relate to what you are going through as I started vet school and we have 100 people in our class whom I barely know. The study group sounds like it was a good idea. Adult friendships do take more communication and being active/initiating. I guess I've had the most luck with joining established groups instead of starting my own, like joining clubs on campus and going to the Happy Hours. I also feel like sometimes you have to be friends with the right person, or kind of hang out at the seminar on Friday and people will decide by word of mouth to go out. I do think unfortunately getting to a closer level takes more time sometimes or taking the initiative more.
