Idk if I actually hate my friends or not
So last year (Jan 2019-March 2020) was a very difficult time for me. I was in the lowest and unhealthy mental state I've ever been in and was struggling to get through every day. Since then, I've healed a lot (quarantine has really helped with this) and recently I've started feeling like my old self again. This semester I'm doing virtual school and since the beginning of the school year I've distanced myself a lot from friends. During the summer the only person I really talked to was my BF and now we talk to each other super briefly maybe once or twice a day. The problem is, I actually really really really like the distance from not only my relationship but all of my friendships. I know self isolation isn't healthy but if that's true then why am I the happiest I've been in such a long time when I'm not spending hours everyday talking to/texting people? I love online school and the distance from people has really helped my grades and mental state. Another thing is a lot of friends I've had (my bf included) were very emotionally dependent on me. While this has gotten better, I'm still the "therapist friend". Does this have something to do with my relief? And last thing: the thought of texting ppl first and making plans gives me a lot of anxiety now when it never used to. Even if they're the ones who text first responding and keeping a convo going gives me a lot of anxiety. I used to be so social Idk what's happening but I'd appreciate some advice.
@orangepages24
Hi there, Pages. As someone who's been struggling with contradicting feelings about quarantine as well, I totally understand. This is a tough and confusing time for all of us, and you're certainly not alone. I'll start by telling you that you're doing a great job reflecting on your feelings, accepting them, and handling this bravely. I'm also really, really, really glad that you're healing and feeling better about your mental health. it makes my day to see it! <3
I sometimes think people have a sort of 'social battery'. Everyone's social battery runs out at different speeds, depending on who they're around and how they are. And we all need a chance to recharge. During quarantine, I have less of a social battery capacity -- I get tired out by social interaction after getting used to spending time alone. That is totally valid and OK! You have the right to take time for yourself when you need to, and you're not obligated to always having to be social.
While self-isolation can have many painful impacts (I've learned this the hard way!), some people are more reserved by nature, and that's okay. It sounds like being alone has helped to make you more secure in your identity, if I'm understanding right. Being the "therapist friend" has kind of an emotional toll sometimes; it can take a lot out of you to take that role on -- I know from experience. So it makes sense that when you have the chance to take a break from having to carry some of that weight, you might feel more comfortable with yourself. <3
Everyone is going through some social changes, in some way or another. I used to be a more social person too, and now even though I'm lonely, I get anxious about talking to my friends, for example. Your feelings of worry and fear are normal. I'm not sure if I can give concrete advice, but I can tell you that I think it's good to take time for yourself. It gives you a lot of chance to recharge your battery and go through life with more energy. While I think it's important to maintain and give back to relationships, you can also find a healthy balance between this and your boundaries.
I think that's the most important part: balancing social relationships against your personal boundaries. Maybe you would like to stay in contact with friends, but you also prefer to have time alone, and that is okay! I'd recommend experimenting around a little with this balance to find what feels healthiest to you, and stay in tune and attentive towards your feelings.
I hope that this was able to help even a little. I'm always here to chat in the forums and rooms -- I'm going through a lot of the same things you are, so I'd love to offer any support I can. Take care and keep pushing through.
-Inky <3
In my opinion some ppl are just happier with less relations. With all relations comes communication & being there for someone which does take away from your "you" time. Plus solitude is sometimes rae so take advantage of it while you can.
@orangepages24 yo sometimes i feel like being around my friends makes me feel awkward and it feels so toxic