I lost a friendship and i'm not handling it very well because i'm confused and I don't think my 'friend' was being fair
I recently lost a friend and im devastated because it was over a misunderstanding and I need advice or someone to talk to. I dont want to use her name so ill refer to my friend as S'
I had been friends with S for just over a year and as far as I could tell everything was okay. I thought we got along really well. I was so happy because Im not very social and I usually take a long time to warm to people but it felt so natural with her. Wed talk (not every day, I wasnt a needy friend), hang out sometimes and just generally enjoyed each others company. We werent best friends or anything though.
It was like this for most of the friendship but then I started noticing that something was off. I couldnt quite put my finger on what it was exactly. I felt that S was distancing herself from me and being dismissive of things id say and I thought she was annoyed with me. I put it down to stress so I didnt think much more of it and just went about my business without saying anything and left her alone. But shed alternate multiple times between being like this and being really nice. Like, overly nice within a week. So it started to confuse me a bit. This up and down continued for a while and it started stressing me out. She wasn't like this with her other friends. Recently she had been dismissive again but for a longer period of time and it was bothering me.
I wanted to ask S if I had done something to upset her. I was really worried that I mightve done something I wasnt aware of because I think she was only like this with me. So I asked her in a way that I thought sounded alright. That was a big mistake because she took it as an accusation. I told her it wasnt meant like that and I apologized for it coming across that way but S seemed really mad and offended about it. Instead of addressing what I was worried about, the problem and the end of our friendship became about me being accusatory. S told me that we shouldnt be friends anymore and implied that it was my fault and that shes hurt. It confused me because I was just concerned about her. I didnt want to do anything to upset her. Thats why I asked in the first place.
It seems like no matter what I say or do, S will twist it around and find something to take offence at. Like she really wants to find things to use against me and I dont know why. She even found something in my first apology to pick at. I feel very hurt by this but I cant even say that because shell take that as me playing the victim and make out like im the toxic one. So im always the one who has to apologize for things, even when im hurt too.
Was there anything wrong with me asking? I didnt think it was that bad but I probably couldve worded things a little better. Im not sure because she makes me doubt everything. But would it have hurt S SO much that she gets rid of me? Even after explaining that it wasn't meant that way and apologizing? It really makes me think that there was an underlying issue and now I feel paranoid and more weary of people. S seemed really quick to become hostile and get rid of me like its nothing after what I thought was a pretty good friendship before. It was very cold. Its affected me in a really bad way. Ive tried to reach out to her a few times but havent gotten a response. She has completely shut me out and is acting like I dont exist. I feel like shes still taking subtle jabs at me by complaining about toxic friends and people who play the victim. But isnt that what shes doing? All I did was ask a question and she blew it way out of proportion. I really do feel deeply hurt by this but its like im not allowed to feel this way because its apparently all my fault. I apologized for ‘accusing her and I really meant that with my whole heart because even though I didnt intentionally do anything, I dont like upsetting people at all and she knows that.
Maybe there was nothing wrong and I read the situation wrong and worried for nothing, but whats wrong with asking? Im hurt that shes making out like im a horrible person when I didnt mean any harm at all. There was no ill intent. It was all out of concern. I dont think she understands where im coming from. Do you think shes being fair?
Im not sure how to get her to talk to me. I dont want to bombard her with any more messages because it might come across as manipulative and I dont want to force/pressure anyone into anything. The last one I sent is my heart felt apology. Id appreciate an outsiders opinion on this because i'm very confused and I want to know if shes being fair.
Thank you to anyone who can help me.
@lux1
I'm sorry you're going through this! 
I'm sure it must be very difficult to be in your shoes right now.
About "maybe there was nothing wrong":
You were worried that your friend was acting differently than usual because of something you did, and you wanted to clear up the problem because you care about the friendship. I think that is a good attitude.
Reading through the description of the events, it seems to me that your friend took your question as a way to tell her you were unhappy with her behaviour instead of simply the question it was. Now the core of the problem is that nothing you say changes her perception of that.
As to whether she is being "fair": I think her reaction to your question and further behaviour are pretty harsh. It certainly is not very fair to not give you a chance to explain properly what you meant and to not even acknowledge your apoplogies. Also, the jabs at you being toxic are very unkind.
Going by fair as behaving in a constructive, problem-solving way, she isn't being particularly fair, in any case.
Since you know more about your friend and the situation, as well as what kind of action makes sense for you, I can't advise you how you should go about solving your problem. I'll try to give you some ideas to think about, though.
From what you wrote, it sounds to me like most (or maybe all) of the conversations you had were messages. Sometimes, it's hard to convey the tone of voice with written text. So if your friend is bent on thinking you had bad intentions, she might interpret that into whatever you write. If you think your friend would respond to that better, you could think about trying to talk to her on the phone or in person. Maybe your voice and body language can convince her you were only concerned.
A completely different way to go about things would be to give this issue a rest for a while. It sounds like both of you can't are stuck in this situation at the moment. If this issue is the main topic in your conversations, maybe instead e.g. ask her if you two just want to chat and have coffee some time (or whatever you usually do when you hang out). Maybe showing her in this way that you still care about the friendship and want to spend time with her could break the spell. It's a somewhat long shot though, I'm aware of it.
Also, I find sometimes just talking about how you feel for a while can help you think of new ideas to tackle the problem. Maybe you'll want to connect to a listener for that - they are also likely to be able to give you different perspectives on the topic than I did (they are different people, after all).
In any case, I really hope you'll find a way out of this situation soon - whether the problem is resolved or whether you'll eventually move on from it. Big hugs!
You have done well to reach out.
I hope that things get better for you.