I'm completely alone

TW: this may address SA at some point.

I've never felt so alone in my life. I'm angry I'm 26 and have no social life.

My boyfriend of 3 years that I live with NEVER talks to me. He barely contributes anything to the convo, has 1 or 2 word responses, and never seems to care about what I have to say. I've mentioned that this bothers me at least once every other week it seems. It's so mentally draining.

Besides him, all I have are my parents and my younger sister, but they are extremely toxic, confrontational, close-minded, and narcissistic. What makes it worse is I was very sheltered and have bad social anxiety, so most of my social life was spent with them.

When I say I have no friends, I mean it. I have no social media, had no one I kept in contact with before I deleted my social media, and I've been alone in regards to friendship for the past 7 years now.

In high school up until I was 18, I had a best friend I was inseparable with. She was the only person to this day I could be myself around and I saw us being friends until our dying breath. Dramatic, I know, but we had a great friendship I thought. That was ever since her and her boyfriend got me blackout drunk and her boyfriend SA'ed me with her in the room. I don't know if she knows he did what he did, which haunts me to this day, because I haven't spoken to her since.

Ever since that happened 7 years ago, the trauma has made it so hard for me to connect to others, to make friends, to let people in, and trust them.

Not to mention, my last friend before her who was like family up until shortly after high school, stopped speaking to me because I got drunk, had a panic attack at her birthday party, and had to leave. That, and I thought I was gay and came out and she hasn't spiken to me since.

I've practically "ghosted" everyone that I almost got close to because I'm terrified they're going to hurt me in the same way or worse. I'm terrified no one wants to be my friend because of who I am.

I'm angry I let myself feel this way, I'm angry my friends did what they did, I'm sad I'm at this point, and I'm at a loss for what to do.

It's so lonely. I grieve over the fact that I may never experience what I did with my last 2 best friends, that I'll never have that connection, or ever come to trusting someone that way again.

I feel pathetic for asking, but what should I do? How do I go about making friends?