Keep losing friends, keep thinking about last one
Once my coworker and friend Valerie started dating a new guy, things went south between us. It?d be nice if it could be explained as the standard focusing-attention-on-new-guy, but she has only strengthened old and made new friendships.
We were getting along just fine when, February of last year, she explained that she doesn?t like using the phone?even with her new boyfriend, so I shouldn?t expect calls or texts from her. Because of this stance, she asked that I not call or text her, either. On the same vein, Valerie said she doesn?t want to chat with people at work... including me. If we have to talk at work, she wants it to be just about work.
?I have a problem with this,? I admitted. ?It makes me feel like you?re cutting me out of your life.?
She countered, ?Well, I don?t have a problem with it. This is what I want.?
Prior to that day, she had mentioned a desire to communicate less with me. One time she claimed it was because I knew so much, she didn?t want to risk us having a conversation at work that could embarrass her?thus, having all communication at work focus on the job.
I?ve asked if I did something wrong or could do something to fix things; Valerie offered, ?Give it time.? In other words, do nothing. I?ve taken her aside several times, making statements such as, ?I?m really depressed that you don?t want me to call or talk to you.? She would respond with comments like, ?I understand.? When I?d comment that I miss spending time with her, she?d shrug, ?Friendship ebbs and flows,? i.e., they come and go.
?I feel like I should just leave you alone,? I concluded.
?Ok,? she responded.
Over the next few months, I indeed backed off, reluctantly. She, meanwhile, became more social and outgoing, always discussing personal things with other coworkers, telling them she?ll call or text them later, even standing in the middle of our workplace talking to her boyfriend on the phone. Every instance is a knife in my side.
Occasionally, she?d shoot me a text or ask me how my weekend was... but each time, my mind would scream that she doesn?t truly want me to respond. Once when I was out, she wrote, ?Missed you at work today.? I stared at the text wondering if it was some kind of sick joke. How am I supposed to respond to her when she asked me not to?!
The last time we got together, she wanted to discuss our friendship. I remarked that she doesn?t know how important she is to me. Her response was, ?I?m not attracted to you at all.? Didn?t know how to take that; she?s repeatedly made it clear she wasn?t interested in me, noting she would NEVER date me, but damn if she didn?t make it sound like there?s nothing worthwhile in me. More importantly, when I said that to her, I meant that she doesn?t realize just how lonely I am. She was my ONLY friend. I?ve always struggled to connect with others; with this rift between us, I haven?t received a single call from anyone in over a year. That?s the kind of isolation I endure (and yes, I try to contact others without living like a hermit).
Shortly before this began, we were both suffering from depression and, her, anxiety attacks. Valerie gave me the best compliment when she remarked that I was probably her closest friend. Suddenly I?m replaced by her boyfriend and my absence is not even noticed. She?s happy and enjoying life. I try my best to be happy for her but am nevertheless miserable.
What is the issue? It?s not naturally drifting apart?it?s being cut out. Am I just jumping to conclusions? Not when I?m ignored... when I?m told not to talk to her. Maybe it wasn?t about me? Of course it was?I?m the only one she stopped talking to. Maybe she just has her own issues to work out? Busy and life gets in the way? Then how can she make new friends? So many websites comfort, ?Don?t think you?re a bad person because someone doesn?t want to be your friend.? Then why is it that EVERY friend I?ve EVER made has suddenly decided they want nothing to do with me?
Mistermatt, im just taking a guess here, so dont take this necessarily as the definite reason why she dropped you. She may feel that if her boyfriend finds out her best friend is a guy, that she might be doing more than being a friend with her best friend and then she will lose her boyfriend. Just a guess bud.
I'd feel better if that were the case, and she's suggested that he would get jealous if he found out she spent time with another guy. Between her and I, however, there is no sexual or romantic undertones to our friendship, other than earlier on when she worried I might be "into" her. But I'm married--she and my wife have met a couple times. I'm happy she's seeing someone, as that should help alleviate any issues of our genders (I used to be friends with two lesbians... man was that easy, since our orientations never influenced things between us).
I doubt it?s a matter of ?relationship before friends? routine, not when she?s become a social butterfly otherwise. And she?s been with the guy for a year and a half now... plus dated him for a couple years before that. He sounds like a great guy and that?s good for her. I see her every day at work, and she?s not cold to me. In fact, if she?s distant at all it?s because I usually avoid her. She?s alluded to the fact that she enjoys getting texts (for example) to remind her that people care. She also periodically tries to initiate conversations with me, but she?s understandably frustrated since I?m now conditioned to assume I should keep my mouth shut and leave her alone. It seems she likely wants to be friends again, but just has never said words to that effect. She?s acknowledged that she didn?t mean to word things the way she did, and has offered, ?I meant we shouldn?t bring up sensitive topics at work.? But I guess I?m hoping she?d say something more pointed, like what I?ve said to her: ?your friendship is important and I miss it? or ?I WANT you to talk to me again.?
I probably side too much on the cautionary approach and overly distance myself from others, especially when I feel they don?t want to be friends with me anymore. I make sure I don?t appear needy or clingy?even though I secretly am (what with having no friends, one person unfortunately becomes super important to me). I tend to workplace interactions professional but never personal with everyone... even when asked me how I am, I just focus on the job at hand and limit socializing. Even outside of work, I?m not very reciprocal in my communication, placing listening over dominating the conversations with tales of myself (ego problem there).
Because of my depression, poor ego and social shortcomings, I?m reluctant to talk to people, especially when I constantly remind myself ?they want nothing to do with you.? The heart of the problem might be centered on a disease. We both suffered from depression, but now she doesn?t, and she doesn?t have the inclination to deal with this sad sack.
@MisteMat if I could focus first on conclusion. You say Every friend wants Nothing to do with you. That is what is called all or nothing thinking. It is like some one saying to me. You are fat. I then think all the people in the world are fat. Now please dont take me the wrong way. I have been a shy person and I know only to well your feeling of isolation lonliness and fear of regection. But I have learned if I want a friend I have to be one and reach out. Again I know that is not easy. But think what is the worst that might happen. You reach out you are rejected. You may not gain any thing. But if you now have no friends what have you lost or may loose. Nothing becase you have nothing to loose. But you may gain a friend. Again not easy. But is one step at a time. If you are going to walk 100 miles it must begin with the first step. You cant take the 3rd or 10 th step first. You also cañ only take 1 step at a time. So it is with frienndship. Also hobys are a great way to meet people. Again 1 step at a time. Small things. Do it just once. Chances are you may not make a life long friend first try. But with walk you cant make end in 1 step. So with friendship. You have to keep taking steps. With your work friend I would sugest back away totaly. They may need you one day and realise you are not such a bad person at all. Also who knows their new relation ship may not work out. They may be lonly. Who do you think they may turn to. Hope these few thoughts may help you. Please take care ☺☺
the last best friend o person that i love so much ,was the most important in my life ,was a men i dont know if say his name but it dont care,the truth is that I was and i am a stupid but too stupid butI'm actually pretty sure that nothing will be resolved and I say almost because it is more stupid to hope,i dont knowwhat happened to me, i never values or supporting him,hejust wanted something simple with me,but I ignore himand i thought in a unreal freedom,i would likecryand apologize but that would not be worthwhile and hewould think i am ahypocritical..........but it really hurts really
Hi Matt, I can really empathize with your situation. In my lifetime, I've had five (what I would call really close) friends go from talking with me often, sometimes every day, sharing their deepest experiences, and then without much word, cutting me out of their lives. During our friendships, I did many of acts of kindness, buying gifts and planning celebrations for these friends. I invested a lot of time and energy to let my friends know that they were special to me. But, like you have recently experienced, they eventually stopped calling me back or making any kind of effort. It was clear that they didn't want to know me anymore. For the longest time I thought I was the common denominator, that perhaps I was doing something to drive people away. The first few times I was heart broken, and I dreamed about my lost friendships every night, usually waking up in tears. After some recent experiences I have realized that I AM the common denominator, but only in that I tend to attract the company of self-absorbed people. I prefer to listen than talk, so I like people who talk a lot. Unfortunately, people who talk a lot are also more likely to be absorbed in their own experiences. For one reason or another, if they didn't like what I eventually had to say, or felt uncomfortable when I started to talk about my own experiences, or didn't trust me because I held all of their secrets, time eventually saw my "friends" move on from my company to the company of people who were more on their own frequency. The wounds they left behind were painful, and took a long time to heal, but they healed. Eventually, I started to be more selective of the people I let into my life, selecting friends with less drama and more integrity.
I am really sorry for all of the pain your relationship with this woman has caused you. I am not sure what her reasons are for pulling away, but how she is choosing to treat you is hurtful and unfair to you. This friendship might repair in time, or you might never reconcile and with no guarantee of experiencing resolve or finding out why. This might just be a good opportunity to look to your wife, or other loved ones, that continue to choose to love you and share their lives with you. It helps you appreciate those relationships all the more, and be more discerning of the relationships you form in the future. I wish you all the best.