My friend got her 1st bf & it has changed her
I have had this friend for over a year now. In that time we have been like sisters, being there for each other when we need it, joking around, even joining a D&D group together & a RP server on Discord. I was there when she was diagnosed with anxiety that developed from emotional abuse she suffered from a guy long before I met her. In turn she was there for me when I was dealing with emotional abuse from a former friend who decided I was not worth keeping around due to political differences.
However things have been rocky with her ever since she got into her 1st relationship with a mutual guy friend at the end of September. Ths guy has a habit of flirting aggressively with other girl friends we share, some of which I know he has asked out in the past but was rejected & even once I tried to attract him but he wasn't interested & moved on. The two have known each other as long as I have her & he in the past has helped force her out of her shell a bit, though there was no romantic attraction until that September.
But since then her personality seems to have gone a full 180 where now she's focusing all her energy at getting everyone's attention concerning the relationship or herself in general. Both originally asked the relationship be kept private, which I have respected, but others have not. One friend in particular who was pushing for them to be a couple back when they were still platonic & since then she loves to run her mouth about how she was right about them & flaunting the couple off when no other couple in our friend group she does this to, & neither one of the mentioned couple stops her. If anything they seem to be almost encouraging ppl to talk, showing off couple art they commissioned barely a week after the announcement, posting selfies of them together ignoring that they've only met in person twice with a 10+ hour drive between them, & constantly flirting in public Discord servers.
One day that really got to me was during New Years when I spent a day writing an essay about the ppl that touched my life in 2018 & how special they are to me. Everyone loved it & I was so happy to make them all happy. But then my female friend decided to make the whole thing about herself & her new bf. I felt very hurt that she would do that, but I kept my mouth shut because I didn't want to start a fight.
I have been trying for these long months to try & not get involved with this because it is not my place to get in the middle of the relationship. As much as I want to protect her, I have to let her make her mistakes & grow up, even if she's gonna possibly get hurt in the long run. Plus it just gets uncomfortable after a while when all you want to talk about is your bf, & after 6 months this behavior I feel should've calmed down. So often when it comes up I try to ignore it or divert attention to something else to indicate that talking about & sharing too much of your relationship, especially publicly when asked to keep private, is not a good idea.
Well last night the bf decided to send an angry message at me for not acknowledging the relationship & that I am just being resentful because & I quote "I don't like you & like her" which is not the case at all. I explained my side of things to him that I am trying not to get involved & definitely am not attracted to him. His response: "So in order to help her grow up you try to overshadow anything to do with us?" Again I explained that I am trying not to get involved or start a fight. He never responded back. But his sudden outburst is alarming to me because it is very ooc for him to do that & the fact that he seems to be almost threatened by the fact that I don't want to deal with the relationship which again the two supposedly want private. It comes off as insecure that out of all the blind praise the 2 get about how "adorable" they are, one person not giving them the attention is a problem.
I have debated telling my friend what her bf did & to open up on how I feel, but idk if that will cause more problems down the line. I have talked with one of the listeners here as well as some separate friends from this group & they all say I should just leave the servers & abandon the friendship altogether because at the rate this relationship is going, they are going to crash & burn hard, which I believe now more than ever after bf's outburst & knowing my friend's anxiety. But considering all we've been through & how much I care about her, I don't want to just up & quit on her either. So I'm at a weird crossroads where I don't know what the right answer is. I want to be happy for her, but this whole situation has been difficult to deal with. If anyone has any advice on how to deal with this other than tossing this friendship out the window, please let me know. Thanks.
@H5188
I am sorry that you are going through such a rough time with your friend! It's hard when your friend gets into a relationship that changes them. It sounds like you really care about them.
It doesn't have to be that black and white. I don't think that you should throw your friendship out of the window. You're right that they need to make their own mistakes. When this relationship ends (it sounds like it will with all of this insecurity), you can be there to help your friend get through it. She might go back to the way she was before afterwards. If not, then you were still a great friend by supporting her. Then, you can decide if you want to let her go or not. Maybe she'll realize that she has been treating you poorly after the relationship ends.
On the other hand, I wouldn't go out of your way to help them if it's causing you stress and turmoil. You can distance yourself and care for yourself more for now. You deserve to be treated better by your friends. My advice then is to wait things out. You don't have to end the friendship completely, especially since they're so important to you, but you should put your well-being first. If she comes back around, then it was meant to be.
I hope that this helps a bit? And I hope that everything works out. Lots of love!
@DecafLover013
Thanks. I appreciate it. Yeah I really do care about her which is why this is so hard for me. Everyone around me from the outside looking in is just saying she's not worth it & yeah I really need to back off & not let this effect me so much, but it's hard when you deal with it on the regular & it's someone you've grown so attached to. The bf's outburst last night really shook me because he's normally a lot calmer & honestly a little emotionally distant. Him I thought would be more secure in the relationship since this isn't his 1st rodeo, but I guess he's just as guilty of being insecure about things as she is.
@H5188
I understand. A similar thing happened to me. Everyone around me told me to let go of my friendship. Your friends and family just want what's best for you.
Just because she is not a good friend right now does not mean that she wasn't a good friend before or that she won't be a good friend again. Cross that bridge when you get there. For now, do what feels right for you. You may really want to help, but if it's causing you pain then you should take a step back. Concentrate on yourself and do the things you enjoy the most to try to get your mind off of it. She'll come around if she's a true friend. ^^ If she reaches out to you though, I'd offer any support you can without putting yourself emotionally at risk. You're a very good friend for worrying about her, but sometimes people aren't mature enough to recognize that their friends are just being caring. I'm here if you need to talk some more about it!
@H5188
It is really hard to let go of a situation when you care so much for your friend! In the end though, it's not healthy for you or your friend for you to get too involved, unless she's in mortal danger from an abusive guy, etc.
I don't know these people, so I don't want to make too many opinions, but it does sound like they're insecure. They may not be willing to listen to your side of the argument if you decide to talk to them, so be prepared if that's what you want to do.
@DecafLover013
Yeah that has been the hardest part of this. Believe me I really don't want to be involved. I have been doing my best to try & stay out of this, hence why I don't respond to their constant romantic talk or try to change the subject so we talk about something else instead. It is not my place just as it isn't the place of our other friends who sadly some have not been doing the same. Most tend to just comment about how cute they are, though a few have been demanding juicy details about when the 2 meet up (which thus far in the span of 6 months has been twice)
One friend in particular has had a really nasty habit of butting in, constantly bragging about how she knew they were meant to be together even when they were just friends, bringing the romance up in inappropriate places such as in a D&D game, encouraging the two to share more despite the two saying they want to keep it private (which they really haven't) & asking really inappropriate questions that she shouldn't be asking. She doesn't do this to any other couple in our group, including another one she helped bring together, & really it comes off like she's using these 2 as a way to fuel her own fantasies since her beau is in another country as well as flame her ego for always being right.
It's frustrating especially since even attempting to stay out of it has earned me verbal abuse from the guy, which to me is a red flag that he's not only insecure about the relationship but is in it for the wrong reasons. Because if he's upset someone is trying to keep his relationship private like he & my friend asked us to or getting bent out of shape 1 person out of the friend group who knows isn't praising them & going gaga about how cute or adorable they are together, then there's a problem. I know before they got together he was constantly going off about how lonely he was & brought up his ex a few times & how hurt he was since he was "the perfect bf" supposedly & he asked out quite a few girls in our friend group who turned him down.
I haven't spoken to my friend about his attack on me yet, but to say I'm worried is an understatement since clearly despite almost 6 months the honeymoon phase is still in full swing along with like you said the insecurity, so bringing up a problem could cause more problems & possibly a falling out. Especially given her anxiety which is also a worry since I fear she may be becoming codependant on him to manage it. She seems to have attacks more frequently & extreme when he's offline & a few times I've noticed he's been playing the game Celeste (which she is very attached to since the story of it helped her mentally deal with her anxiety) during days where she's vocal about not being in a good headspace. That coupled with the guy being emotionally distant 99% of the time (except when he snapped at me) & I can't see this going well.
So I'm kinda stuck on what to do.
@H5188
That is a very tough situation. It does seem like she is becoming codependent. I suppose that it depends on how close you feel to this friend. Do you think she would understand you and take criticisms openly?
Maybe find a way to approach the subject in a non-confrontational way? Emphasize that you care about her and that you're worrying about her panic attacks. Make it about her? Maybe don't bring up the verbal attack unless you can do so in a way that makes you seem more worried about her. Try to find a time when you're not upset. If it was me, I'd be hurt, but taking it personally could cause the fallng out.
If you don't think she will take things well, then I would just be patient. Keep an eye on her health, but try to stay out of the drama. I wish you the best of luck. I don't want to give you bad advice since I don't know them personally. These are just suggestions and what I would do <3
@DecafLover013
See normally if you would've asked me 6 months ago when she was single I would say yes that I could talk to her. I've had no problems in the past discussing with her about these things & being critical, just she has me. That's been what our friendship has been for the longest time, being able to have such open dialogue regardless of differences & being there for each other either to have fun or deal with life's troubles. Like I said, normally she's like a sister to me. Since getting the bf however & how quickly she not only has thrown herself into this relationship but relying on him for her self esteem & possibly anxiety, I am not so sure I can.
Especially after the bf's verbal assault because normally he's a friend I could come to him for anything without fear of judgement. Normally he's calm & rational, able to talk with me honestly & keep me grounded when I'm emotional. But this was the 1st time I've seen him legit nasty & unwilling to hear what I had to say, making harsh claims about me as a person because I don't kiss his ass about the relationship & try to keep things private like they asked. I know in the past he's shown uncomfortableness with ppl getting emotional & venting, often hiding himself from it, but he always stayed the voice of reason & clarity even if it bothered him. For such a switch is...disturbing to say the least.
So if he won't listen & suddenly quick to anger & is so insecure about the relationship to act in such a way, then I have my doubts I can talk to my female friend about it. Sadly at this point I think my best option is to take a break from the group for a while, wait until things calm down, & hope that in time the two will come around to where I can talk to them without fear that it will result in a blowback. An apology would be nice too, but I'm not holding my breath for that. I've already privately messaged some mutual friends that I'm taking a break without going into too much detail & that they can still reach me privately if need be, so we'll see what happens.
@H5188
Sorry for my late reply!
I understand, it's really frustrating when your friend changes. I personally have trouble looking at just the situation because I love my friend, and I think about the years of good times I've had with them. However, just because someone used to be good for you, doesn't mean they are good for you now. Try to look at it from a movie situation. You know that the characters have known each other for a long time, but the movie is just about this conflict right now. Even though her boyfriend was the voice of reason in the past, he seems to be having a lot of trouble right now. Hopefully, he'll find himself again in the future. I think it's a good idea to take a break, and I hope that they haven't gotten mad at you for it! How are you feeling?
Your friend may have been super tight with you in the past, but friendships have an ebb and flow to them. Just because you're not on the same page right now doesn't mean you guys won't be able to rekindle your friendship one day! Have hope but don't put your happiness and wellbeing on her presence in your life.
@DecafLover013
Late update but rn I am furious & need somewhere to vent. This situation even without me in it has gotten worse & I seem to be the only one who sees it. I am almost convinced this relationship is more for show than anything & doomed to fail because I peeked into a couple of the PUBLIC discord servers I share with them to see how everyone is doing & lo & behold they commissioned couple art & showing it off with everyone going gaga over it along with their relationship. Granted I know the artist who did it. He's an incredibly sweet guy who does amazing artwork & the picture itself didn't even look like romantic couple art, it actually looked more platonic with the two standing back to back, but the principle still stands. They are showing off their supposed PRIVATE relationship in PUBLIC places, telling other people about it while claiming to keep things hidden & it is getting old. Even without me being there, it's all about them. Hell there's another couple in our group who is a 14 yr old & she & her partner have been dating a month more than they are & have been acting more mature. She turned 20 in December, he turned 24 in October, she's a college student, he has a full time job, by now they should know better.
I really want to hold out & hope that they're gonna mellow out in time or snap out of this romantic "it's all about us" stupor soon, but at this rate I don't see it happening & it's concerning.
@DecafLover013
Yeah what you say makes a lot of sense. Between how the 2 have been acting & how I've been feeling, it does seem like there may be more behind the scenes that I'm not seeing. Like you said previously, the insecurity & constant showmanship of this supposed private relationship & the bf's hostility to me not wanting to be involved or constantly hear about it. Not to mention again our one friend who keeps pushing the relationship for some reason to an unhealthy degree. I want ot hope they're okay, but atm it's best I step back & not push lest I accidentally cause a conflict. All the friends I did tell I was taking a break from Discord & the group were very supportive & want what's best for me, so that made me feel good. And I'd like to hope the couple will reach out in time, but rn they're too into each other to notice so it may be a while. Even now I think the gf is heading back to college & showing off her new haircut.
I've been trying to get other perspectives on the situation & a lot of people are seeing what I have. My mom in particular had some interesting thoughts on this. From what she's seen the relationship seems mainly for show & attention, especially after learning they've only met IRL twice in the span of 6 months. That seemed odd to her since if they were that hot for each other, there would be more meetups regardless of the 10+ hour distance. Like apparently she was in a similar situation in the past where she had a bf that was 10+ hours away like my friends are & they managed to make it work out & see each other at least once a month & even one point where she couldn't visit due to car troubles he went the extra mile & drove to see her. The point being that if they were that much in love, they would make it work & take the extra effort to see each other more often.
@H5188
I am glad that your Discord group is being respectful! I hope that everything works out with your friend. I expect that she will be back after this relationship is over. If you guys are so important to one another, you will probably reconnect! This relationship does not sound healthy, and I do not think it will work out.
Your mom makes a very interesting point. It does sound like this relationship is just to boost their confidence. This does not sound like love to me either. In the meantime, know that you are being a good friend by caring and giving her the space to make her own mistakes. Unfortunately, she will probably be against you if you try to bring it up to her now. She will probably take her boyfriend's side. You've done your absolute best, so don't feel bad about it! How have you been feeling lately?
@DecafLover013
Thank you. I appreciate this. As for how I've feeling, well I was a little down today after having to take a chunk of money out for a new car, but after seeing this new stunt I'm quite upset *points to recent message posted about couple art & showing it off*
What really irks me about this is that I know how much this artist charges. His stuff is high quality & worth a pretty penny. I imagine the bf (since he wouldn't let her chip in to help buy the art) roughly around $300-$400. Now maybe it's just me, but instead of spending that much on a piece of artwork showing off how cute they are together, couldn't they have saved that money for gas & such so they can visit each other physically on a more regular basis & connect as a couple more since unlike a lot of my other friends in LDR do not have the luxury to see each other on the regular like they do? If they're so into each other, wouldn't they want to spend money seeing each other in person rather than fancy art of pretending they're together?
Just so many problems I'm seeing & yet I know not to say anything lest I lose them, but this is so frustrating to watch
@H5188
I apologize for my slow responses!
Ah I can see why you're frustrated. It sounds like you care a lot about them, but I agree that you probably shouldn't step in. It is their personal problem at the moment, and it hasn't become really dangerous yet.
Someone once told me that a friendship shouldn't take work. You said you don't want to say something in case you lose them, but you shouldn't be afraid to lose your friends. True friends won't leave you for something like that.
In the end, friends should bring you support and joy. Are they bringing any of that to you at the moment?
@DecafLover013
Hey. Well rn I can't really say that. The bf I haven't spoken to since the incident & as much as I want to reach out, I don't feel compelled to chase after him. Every time I'm the one to reach out to him & I literally apologized to him twice for upsetting him. Idk if he's let it go or not, but I don't want to jinx anything & I don't want to have to be the instigator every time.
As for the gf, honestly rn I can't stand to be around her. I was literally in a livestream with some mutual friends & she jumped in to play. Not only has she not even noticed how I've been absent for some time, acting like nothing is wrong, but she dominated the whole conversation while she was on including over the host who just seems to allow it without question. It's like she doesn't even notice I exist these days. Everything has to be either about her or her relationship & it gets old after a while. Especially when she's blatantly showing off her supposed private relationship in public servers but just keeping things quiet by saying he's a "friend" instead of "boyfriend" when it's blatantly obvious what they are.
The friends I have told of my absence have been sympathetic & want me to come back, but idk if I can with her constantly seeking attention & making everything so uncomfortable.
@H5188]
Hey! I apologize again for my late replies. How have you been?
If you've already apologized twice, then I wouldn't apopologze again. You're right that you shouldn't be the instigator, and let them come back to you.
It seems like you're really unhappy about your friend not recognizing that you're hurt. That is reasonable, but I don't think she will realize on her own. She's too stuck in her own world. I think you will have to either let it go and not let it bother you somehow... or bring it up with her. If you do want to be back in the group that is! You don't have to do either if you decide to leave the group, but it's sad that one person is making you leave. Especially someone who you were so close to before! This conflict has put a wedge between the two of you. You can either choose to resolve it or let things be. Otherwise, you'll just be unhappy the way things are. I know it's hard to do either of those things, but think about it? You don't have to decide right away. Actually, a break might be good. Maybe if you were gone for longer than a week, she would notice?
Again, I'm not an expert, and I don't know her personality. Please don't feel like you have to listen to me, but Friendship should be easier than this. It should be simple and supportive. You should be happy, and something is wrong if a friendship is making you unhappy. Either she has changed permanently, or it is just a phase. Either way, do you still want a friend like her in your life? There is no "right" answer here.
@DecafLover013
Hey. Actually since I last contacted you I rechecked the amount of time I've been silent. It's been 3 weeks & counting actually. So yeah either the two of them are really that oblivious & wrapped up in themselves to not notice something is wrong or they do know & either don't care or are waiting for me to make the 1st move. And considering she was in a livestream with me & acted like nothing was wrong, I'm leaning towards the former.
I have been reaching out in other servers since this happened recently however, just staying silent in the ones I share with either her or both. Hasn't worked out too badly, getting to hang out with other friends I don't normally do & a few regulars, but I still miss interacting in some of those other servers. And I do miss them it's just difficult to be around them rn considering all that's been going on.
Believe me I want to talk to her & him about all this, but he seems unwilling to listen since he still hasn't gone to talk to me since the confrontation & if she hasn't noticed how I've been acting around her then I doubt she's gonna want to listen or even see a problem. They're supposedly too wrapped up in each other to see how they're acting.
I say supposedly because there seems to be these weird moments where the two don't interact at all for long periods of time then just suddenly they have to show off while pretending they're not a couple. Like lately I've observed she's been more interested in playing in coop games with some mutual friends & now setting up her own D&D server that's Lord of the Rings inspired while he's off on his own streaming Kingdom Hearts 3 & not interacting with anyone outside of this one other girl I know he was interested in & was rejected by in the past. And she's ace & definitely not interested in him so I doubt anything is gonna happen there but it is concerning considering he claimed I was the one who wouldn't stop lusting after him when he seems to be in that boat with this girl.
Chances are they are talking more privately, but I can't really tell & it's best I don't, but something feels very off. Especially rather recently when the gf was doing Tumblr asks & the bf anonymously asked her about her crush & she wrote some stuff that was...concerning to say the least. Quoted below...
"They are the rock that keeps me steady when everything is swirling in my head. They are the whispers and the gentle embrace of a shadowy night that calms the mind and warms the soul. They are life blooming vibrantly in shades of deep purples and vibrant greens with passion and creativity. They are someone who wants me to burn brightly and see me shine with confidence and beauty. They are the earth. And they mean a very great deal to me."
...So yeah, definitely becoming codependent. This worries me.
@H5188
Hello! I am glad that you are able to enjoy other servers. I am sorry that they are not noticing. It does sound like she doesn't realize it rather than her not caring. I'm glad you've gotten to talk to her somewhat since then! This seems very concerning to me. First, he asked her the question anonymously? How did you know it was him? That is very suspicious.
Secondly, it does sound like she is revolving her world around him, based on that response. I don't know her, so I'm sure you'd know better if it was just her being romantic? If not, then it is also suspicious.
Have you thought about approaching her and talking to just her as a friend and not the bf? Have other people noticed this behavior? Maybe she'll listen more if someone else she also cares about says it with you? Come from a place of compassion and emphasize that you are worried about her anxiety and becoming codependent. Try not to make it about her ignoring you at first? Although that can come up if that conversation goes well.
If your gut, your mom, and the people around you agree that something is off, I'd say you have good reason to be concerned for your friend.
@DecafLover013
Hey. To answer some of your questions, I know he sent the anon because A) People were talking about those string of asks in a Discord server we share & he voiced particular interest in that question of "describe your crush" & B) She knew who it was since she kept calling the anon a bastard & she uses that phrase playfully for him. Way too many times I see her call him that. But I agree it's suspicious that he'd pull such a public stunt while under an anonymous cover. Like he's trying to show off the relationship while acting like it's a big secret. She's been guilty of it too not gonna lie, but a lot of the showmanship he instigates I've noticed.
As for her being romantic or not, to her that probably sounds it but really it sounds kinda disturbing knowing how she's been in the past. I say this because for the longest time she really wanted to date but didn't for a few reasons. 1) She had a difficult past before I knew her with a guy online which resulted in her being scared to get close to any guy (she's bi to explain but only comfortably flirts with girls). 2) she developed bad anxiety as a result of said guy & any time she tried to talk to ppl on dating sites it would flare up & prevent her from reaching out. 3) She's also demisexual, so she needs to really get to know the person before developing feelings for someone. 4) She just kept saying she wasn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship.
But also she constantly gushed over other friends who got into relationships, making them couple art, pushing them to be more publicly affectionate, & even goading them to flirt more. So to me it comes off like she likes the attention & positive feedback of being in a relationship more than anything or she has unrealistic standards on what a relationship entails or she's that insecure about herself that she has to be in a relationship to feel better about herself. Too many possibilities, not enough answers.
Well rn things seem to be quiet with the two of them & I'm integrating myself back into the group just waiting to see if something happens. I still have my suspicions & concerns, but unless something really serious comes up I'm not getting involved. I do have at least a few friends I've confided in about my worries & I think if something serious happens they'll back me up, but yeah it's more a waiting game & trying to get back to a state of normalcy with the friends.
@H5188
It sounds like you know her well. I agree that we won't know for sure unless she decides to talk to you about her insecurities then. Until then, I'm glad that you're feeling better and returning to your group of friends! I hope everything goes well with that. I'm sure your patience will be rewarded. You can't rush people into decisions that they have to make for themselves, unfortunately. Even if you know the answer better than them since you have an unbiased outside view. Let me know if you need any help or if you need to talk any more about this situation or anything else!
@DecafLover013
Hey. Well rn it seems like for the most part things are back to normal. I still haven't talked to my friend over her relationship & how her behavior has effected me, which I'm not going to unless she asks for advice or something really serious occurs, but for the most part she seems to actually be keeping things quiet. I'm more dreading Valentine's Day or the next time the two decide to visit IRL since that will likely be a big show off moment, especially since it will be her 1st time having a bf on the day. I'm hoping not since really if they did a stunt like that, ppl will definitely know something is up, but that's a wait & see moment...
However not everything is overly perfect. Mainly now I'm having concerns with my guy friend who is the bf in this relationship. Like I said prior, he seems to instigate the public displays more than she does & he did so last night in a public server we share by aggressively complimenting & flirting with not just her, but 2 other girls in the group, one of which I mentioned prior he asked out & got rejected by. But then once the gf decided to compliment a bunch of ppl in the server, including me, he almost instantly clamed up & went quiet. He's normally a quiet guy in general & has a habit of complimenting ppl, but lately he seems to only focus on 3 or 4 specific ppl: the gf, the 2 girls I mentioned, & the one friend I mentioned who is getting way too involved with the relationship whom I also know he was attracted to in the past & shot down by. What's more I'm not sure if he's purposely ignoring/avoiding me since I returned. He hasn't been overly social in general, but I can't tell if he's still mad at me or not for our last convo where he claimed I was "refusing to acknowledge" the relationship & "overshadowing" all their public displays.
I'm definitely not pursuing a private convo with him at this point because I'm not sure if I'm just being overly sensitive or not & don't want to dredge up any trouble if it's all in my head. Plus if that is the case & he is still mad at me, like I said I apologized twice & if he wants to talk it's on him after all this. My conscience is clear, I told him how I felt & said I was sorry for upsetting him, so if he's that insecure about his relationship that he has to show off so often & get angry that someone doesn't want to see it or be involved, he's got a lot of hardship coming for him in the future.
But again this worries me how my female friend calls him her "rock" but he seems to ignore any & all emotional stuff thrown at him & refuses to admit when he was wrong.
@H5188
Hey! I apologize for my very late reply. This week has been very busy for me. I'm glad that things have gone back to normal and that you are talking to your other friends about the situation! How was Valentine's day? How were you feeling? Did they react the way you expected them to?
It sounds like you have a lot of mixed up feelings about the bf. I'm sorry to hear that he isn't reaching out to you. I think it's smart that you are waiting things out. You may also be right that he's not mad and nothing is going on. I don't think it's all in your head, but I am worried that their actions are affecting you so much. It's good to care for your friends, but you seem to be stressed about someone else's relationship? Do you think about these friends often or every day? It sounds to me like you have the best intentions. Still, your own happiness should be your top priority!
@DecafLover013
Hey. Bit of a late reply myself. Well things seem to be calmer since we last spoke in terms of the two of them. They did not spend VDay together at least IRL, but that could've been due to both the weather & scheduling conflicts. They have had some less than subtle flirting moments in the one public server we share & funnily enough the admin of that server who doesn't know of the relationship asked them to stop because partialy I think it was making her uncomfortable to watch but also because there's a lot of minors in that server & that behavior & those kind of jokes could set a wrong message. So for now they seemed to have stopped with tiny spots of flirting in other servers, but not to the extent they were.
I have spoken to the bf since then as well. Turns out it really was just in my head & if he's still upset he's not showing it. I didn't bring the subject up of our last convo just letting it slide & things seem to be back to normal. In fact he's been surprisingly more attentive towards me lately. One kid in a server we share keeps stressing me out & being very rude towards me, hating on my art because it's of a subject matter he hates, & the bf checked on me to see if I was okay because he could tell I was getting upset & even stood up for me when the kid continued his behavior. So while this new trouble is not helping things, it's a relief to know that there's no bad blood between us & that he's still my friend.
I still have my concerns with the two of them being together of that I will admit, but for the most part things are back to normal. I'm not constantly thinking about it or stressing about it, mainly because now the two seem to actually be keeping things more private which is what they should've done in the first place. Part of the reason I was so upset was because of the constant showmanship of it which is usually a sign of insecurity & immaturity & those relationships don't last. Plus like I said it's her 1st relationship & with her past & health issues & how quickly she's thrown her mental wellbeing onto him I worry how things will effect her once it likely ends because 1st relationships seldom work out long term. And as I've said, it is not my place to get involved unless either of them specifically come to me for help or advice & to be there for them when it eventually ends. That's all I can say on the subject matter at this time.
Things will change over time likely, but for now I'm calmer about this than I have been.
@H5188
Hello! I am glad to hear that things have gotten better for you. It sounds like he is still being a good friend to you. I am happy for you. You are right that this is something that you will have to wait out, and if it does end, you will just need to be a good friend for the two of them. If it does end, I'm worried you'll be caught up in the middle of it... Until that happens, I'm glad that you're feeling better!
@DecafLover013
Thanks. You're likely right that when it ends (I hate to think that way but I've seen & been around too many situations like this to know that this can't last) I will have to be caught in the middle a bit. But it's a risk you always have to take when your friends start to date. So waiting it out is all I can do. But I am definitely glad that things have calmed down for now.
@H5188
That's true, but at the same time, it's not your complete responsibility to take care of someone after a break up. Definitely be there for her, but getting over a breakup can last a couple of months. It's okay to take care of yourself more during that time. :)
Been some time since I was here. A lot has changed in that alloted time. Since the last incident with my friends, a lot of ups & a few downs. The biggest up for me being that i ended up in a relationship with a wonderful man who's been good to me & for me. I won't go into details since that's not the point of this thread & I don't want to be hypocritical considering what I've talked about on here, but it was a surprise it happened & I'm glad it did, because he's been a big positive force in my life.
Gained a lot more friends, grown closer to some more, things seem to be better in my life. So why am I back here again?
Well there still seems to be some problems with the two dating friends that this thread is all about. Or at least one I can still comfortably call friend. The guy in the relationship whom I had that argument with concerning how the relationship is going? He has not spoken to me kindly in several months. Most days he ignores me completely & the few times he does talk to me is rather nastily, talking down to me like I'm a child. He's been a little mean towards others in some of the Discord servers we frequent, particularly in the Dungeons & Dragons server his girlfriend/my friend runs. A lot of the group like to casually roleplay & he yells at them to keep into a specific channel, but he goes about it too much to the point where the rules weren't clear on what was & wasn't acceptable. A few friends there & even my boyfriend agreed with me that he was taking it too far & it wasn't clear what the rules were. I spoke up about it on everyone's behalf & my friend/the girlfriend agreed that she should've made things more clear & fixed it. But I guess that was the last straw for him since he silently unfriended me & in another server he runs he didn't ask for my input on inviting another person to the private server when in the past he waited for everyone to speak up. He left a couple others out as well who were offline, but still in the past he's waited. But suffice it to say he's still holding a grudge about what happened in the past despite the fact that I apologized twice, explained how I felt, & haven't interfered with their relationship despite the fact that evenafter almost a year of dating they're still showing off in different ways to the point where the girl is sharing their private conversations & copying the behaviors of other couples in our group including me & my boyfriend.
The girlfriend/my friend has noticed the animosity & is going out of her way to not take sides which I'm grateful for since I half expected if she knew what was going on she'd take his side over mine, but she's remaining impartial. She did help clear up some of my concerns with the relationship, mainly about how openly flirty both of them get towards other girls & that likely he wasn't trying to bully anyone in her server just wanting to keep things organized. She also isn't upset of what happened, understood how I was feeling & wasn't being malicious in any way, & agrees that how he snapped at me in the past & how he handled things in her server was overboard & doesn't agree with it, but it's not her place to apologize on his behalf nor to tell him what to do.
She's trying to get me to talk things out with him, but idk how to go about it since he's still ignoring me & now when I'm around him I get anxious. But I don't feel right putting her in this position either of seeing her boyfriend & me who she looks to as a sister at odds with each other. Really I think it would be he has to make the first move but at this point idk if he will, so I'm kinda at a loss for what to do.
@H5188
Hello! It is has been a long time. Congratulations on your relationship! I am excited for you. Have things improved any in the past few months with your situation ? I also haven't been on 7Cups very often lately. Things were getting better for me. I hope that you are doing well!
@DecafLover013
Hello! Yeah I haven't been on here much as well for a variety of reasons.
A lot has definitely improved for me, not just finding my boyfriend whom I've been happily with for almost 8 months now. My relationship with my sister friend has gotten back to a more stable place, Grown closer with a lot of old friends, made some new ones. Mostly positive.
Sadly there is still some negativity in my life that I'm trying to combat. For one it seems that I am no longer friends with the guy whom has been dating my friend for a little over a year now & really the situation hasn't improved all that much since we last talked (attention seeking behavior, codependancy, him in particular showing very narcissitic tendencies that a friend of mine who runs a FaceBook group dedicated to fighting narcissistic abuse pointed out to me, etc.) save for her being aware of what happened between him & I. She's not upset with me & knows that what happened in the past wasn't out of malicious intent. She also doesn't agree with how he's treated me or the things he's said towards me, but she refuses to take sides or speak up on my behalf, which sends alarm bells to me, especially when she makes excuses for his bullying & nasty behavior while trying to convince others he's a lot sweeter & nicer than he appears. Even my boyfriend has seen these signs personally & has admitted to me that he has concerns for how he acts. Neither of us are getting involved in it, but I admit it hurts that someone I was once good friends with has turned around to be so cruel & it worries me what will happen with my friend since she mainly seems to let him get away with this poor treatment towards her friends, but eventually she'll have to stand up to him & I don't want her getting hurt. Either that or she will end up taking his side eventually which also scares me to the point of having nightmares about it. She's tried to convince me to talk to him about it, but considering he's unfriended me & won't talk to me save for insults (including a server I am an admin in when an instance occurred that I didn't see until later when my friend took care of it) I have my doubts this one is repairable.
Few other minor things I'm combating is also in this group are a concern as well. For one there is an individual on multiple Discord servers I'm in that is incredibly intrusive & self centered who follows people around (not just on Discord either since he's stalked my Tumblr, Instagram, Twitter, DeviantArt, YouTube & Twitch, all of which I've blocked him on) butting into convos to make it all about himself, demands special attention then gets passive aggressive when he doesn't get his way, even has outright said creepy & super uncomfortable things to my face like voicing interest in kissing me, calling me his sister when I never consented to that, or trying to talk my boyfriend into flustering me in voice calls. Then when someone reprimands him or tell him what he's doing is wrong, he gets in a mood blaming all his bad actions on his Aspergers, then goes right back to doing what he was doing when someone comforts him. It's especially worrying when some of my other friends who have Aspergers or autism speak up & offer ways to help him communicate better but he ignores it & just keeps making the same excuse for how he's acting. I've tried to talk with him as have my boyfriend & multiple others, but he only seems to get worse with time & it's getting to the point where just being around him is stressful & nobody knows what to do.
The other concern is another friend of mine. She's very young with her own personal struggles. Mostly she suffers heavily from anxiety & partly has a learning disability which affects her spelling & possibly her comprehension. My boyfriend & I were one of the first people she opened up to & befriended so she grew close to us. Often we helped her get through a rough day or helped build up her confidence, but now it seems to have gotten to a dangerous level where she became codependant on us for her mental health. It was getting to the point where if my boyfriend or I weren't around or available to comfort her, she'd publicly lash out for days on end until someone comforted her. One major example of this was when my boyfriend was in mourning (he works at a preschool for children with special needs & one of the kids tragically passed away from a seizure) & I was focused on him at the point so neither of us were able to comfort her properly when she had a rough day at work, so she was inconsolable & freaking out for several days until we & a few others were able to calm her down. And that behavior got worse with the death of her great grandma where she would constantly interrupt us when we were chatting or on a date night or something, being very intrusive & ignoring my request not to DM me when I'm at work or busy, & demanding my attention constantly lest she have another episode. Then when I tried to help explain things to her & try to back off, she would act up more & go running to my boyfriend saying I didn't want to be her friend anymore & even ignored him when he explained things to her too, publicly freaking out like me not talking to her as much was me trying to stop being friends with her. Eventually it got to the point where some friends suggested she take some time away from social media for a bit & look for more professional help since we can't help her like she needs, which I sided with & she did, though it didn't stop her from messaging me on Tumblr during that time saying she was mad at me for it then snapped at me when I didn't jump to greet her when she came back online because I was in a convo with someone at the time. I ened up telling her what was going on, but it seems that wasn't enough. She's been more careful about what she says, but she seems to think the reason I was upset (which she told my boyfriend) was what she said & not her actions. And she's gotten hyper fixated on me & my boyfriend again & both of us are worried of a blowback. So that's another concern in the midst since it seems that whatever help she's getting isn't helping her & I'm worried of how things will progress.
So yeah there are a few negatives here & there & apologies for the walls of text, but I promise mostly everything has been good.
