Should I Accept It, Wait, Or End It- Need help ASAP!!
Im going to confront one of my friends about her toxic behavior, but the fact that Im so afraid of doing so really bothers me. She makes a lot of little barbed "jokes" that hurt my feelings and she always has to control the situation completely. I feel like I have to submit to her all the time or shell cause a scene. Normally, I would have no problem telling people that their comments hurt my feelings, but Ive tried to tell her in the past and she refuses to accept criticism and twists the blame to me, saying Im being overly sensitive, or imagining things, or I actually hate her (which isnt true). Weve been friends for years and there are parts of her I genuinely like, and I know that she cares about me as a friend and doesnt seem to realize shes being toxic, so my discussion with her will probably seem like an attack. The last time I confronted her, she screamed at me in public, said I was ungrateful and I actually hated her, tried to make me feel guilty by talking about how badly she needed me to do what she was asking, talked about her feeelings of inadequacy, and then tried to make me feel even more guilt by mentioning all the things she had bought me and places she had invited me to. What she doesn't realize is that I don't care about material objects or experiences as much as I care about being respected. I cant think of a way to tell her nicely that Im upset with her or tell her that I dont want to be friends anymore. This confrontation would be a complete shock to her because she doesnt realize that shes toxic. She often says that if she says something offensive, I should just tell her at the moment, but I'm too scared to most of the time, or I only realize what she actually said after she's already left. Im being so overwhelmed by guilt and bitterness and fear and irritation that I cant act like a good friend with her. We share a lot of mutual friends who accept her behavior, what should I do? How should I tell her how I feel, and should I try to wait for her to change or just give up on the friendship completely?
I had a friend like that in high school .. her name was Stephanie and she was so stuck up, but pretty, came from a rich family so she had all the new stuff - clothes, purses, and wore designer makeup. I wanted to be just like her. We were really good friends, but looking at it from 31 years old compared to when we were 14, it was just like that movie Mean Girls. All about status at school and what the boys would think. Our friend Amanda was like the air head one, I forgot that girl's name. Just be you and worry about school. What you do now will effect your future. Worrying about being cool and having tons of friends isn't going to get you a scholarship to Harvard or whereever you want to go. I screwed up b/c I was more concerned about being cool, pretty, and boys. Big mistake!
@TransAm85 Thank-you for your advice, it's good advice, but unfortunately not really applicable to my situation because neither my friend nor I am popular. Plus, I've already graduated school. I think she just acts this way because she has realllllyyyyyy low self-esteem and she feels like she has to overcompensate and criticize other people. My self-esteem is fine, so I don't feel bad about myself when she does this, I just get ticked off. X'D
Well, I really doubt she's just going to magically change on her own. People just aren't like that. I think you might have to explain to her how you feel, basically how you did here in your post. And don't feel shamed for being oversensitive. You have the right to feel hurt. Toughening up to face the world is one thing, but you shouldn't have to toughen up to face your friend. If your friend is making you afraid of saying a lot of things then she's probably not technically a friend at all, more like she's just afraid of losing someone to talk to or something. But she does sound manipulative, and not sticking around for it anymore is probably for the best in the long run.
@Phthalo Yeah, the more I think about it, though I recognize that she's not trying to be a bad person, and she has good parts of her that I worry about hurting, it's been a long while since I felt comfortable speaking my mind around her. She acts like the victim but tries to twist my emotions so I feel guilty instead of her. Of course, this doesn't work because I'm very intuitive and I understand her probably better than she understands me. Yesterday all of those emotions reached their peak and now I just feel empty. My mom said I should just cut off contact with her and try to focus on detaching myself emotionally before I think about confronting her. That way, if the most likely scenario occurs and she gets defensive and aggressive, I can just walk away. Also, that way she won't react as badly if the friendship does have to end. I'll have already stopped being in her life.
@Evenstar8
Can you continue to endure her behavior or do you even want to? The fact that you share mutual friends might complicate things a bit, especially in the beginning but nothing that cant be worked out over time. If you are no longer wanting a friendship I would keep the conversation short as you said she is not willing to listen or change. Say you piece and end the friendship. If you are wanting to keep the friendship, have you tried being very specific about what she does/says that hurts you and that you would like her to stop? If you have and she still continues that your boundaries are unstable. If her behavior hurts you you have a choice to continue to endure or to establish a boundary to prevent her from hurting you.
@ali1112 I don't think I want to hear any more negative things from her. But she's been this way for years, so I doubt she would change overnight. She's an only child, and her parents don't really spend a lot of time with her and just give her a lot of stuff. So I think she feels that she needs to dominate a lot of situations because she hasn't grown up with a sibling or someone setting boundaries with her. I'm so scared and nervous just thinking about all this, I don't even want to talk to her...I'm avoiding her right now. I wish that I felt comfortable telling her this, telling her that I have an issue, but I don't. I'm scared. I worry that I'm overreacting, even though I've been upset over this multiple times before, and unknowingly she has made me cry and actually develop a ton of stress. I know she's not intentionally mean. And most of the time, she's bearable and nice. But the words can still sting. Everyone in my life who knows about this is telling me to just avoid her so I can move on, but I feel like it's unresolved. I'm afraid to even turn my phone on because she might have texted me.
