Struggling to move on.
I wasn't entirely sure where to post this, hope here is okay. Also sorry that this is so long, due to the amount I need to explain, I hope it's at least coherent.
I've liked this girl for over a year now who I do Chinese Lion Dancing with, but she has a boyfriend. About 6 weeks ago I decided to tell her how I felt about her, I wasn't able to talk to her alone so I decided to send her a message instead. In that message I basically said how I felt about her, and what it was that I liked about her, but that even though I don't like the way her boyfriend treats her I realize I only see a small glimpse of what they're like and I recognize she is quite capable of making her own choices and that I wouldn't do anything to interfere with that, instead I was just telling her this mainly so that I could move on and not end up ruining our friendship (not that we're even that close, partially because we are both shy and lack confidence).
She responded saying that she appreciated me telling her, but was bit overwhelmed, and told me that nothing would ruin our friendship. For about a day I was pretty happy about this, it was as good as I could really hope for but then I started to think I had misinterpreted somehow and that I had crossed a line and damaged our friendship, initially I interpreted her saying she was a bit overwhelmed as meaning she was sort of flattered but then I started to think it was probably just that I had put to much on her at once without any kind of reciprocation and in doing so come across as needy and creepy, and that I would have been better off if I hadn't said anything.
I became more and more depressed as a result of this, and it got to a point that I'm not even sure I can talk about here. As a result of that I had an emergency appointment with my Psychiatrist who told me I really needed to keep away from the Lion Team for a while, allowing me to have some time away from her and stop being so obsessed, which I already realized I needed to do and I also decided to take a break from social media during that time since that would also remind me of it all.
After about 3 weeks I had gone about a week where I felt like I had finally managed that, so since we had a performance last Saturday I decided to go (even though I was worried it might be too soon and would bring back all those emotions) and I ended up being fine with being around her and even talking to her as friends. I then went to team training the following Monday, which didn't go as well since she was noticeably upset over something, I have always been an incredibly empathetic person (even seeing strangers upset makes me feel the same way) so I felt really bad too and wanted to be able to help, but I felt like I would just make things worse if I were to try and comfort her/ ask her what was wrong since like I said we were never really close and didn't talk much outside of the lion team, let alone having recently confessed to her, but regardless I wasn't too upset after a day or so.
I saw my Psychologist (not to be confused with the Pyschiatrist who I mentioned earlier) who I hadn't seen since confessing to her, so I had to explain all that had gone on, at first I actually felt really good after that and felt like I was making some progress but later on I guess having talked about all this brought the same emotions back up and it's been getting worse until now where I'm feeling just about as dangerously depressed as I mentioned I had been a few weeks ago.
I feel incredibly useless, pathetic and angry at myself. I know I need to move on, and I am almost certain she will never see me as anything more than a friend (if that) but no matter what I still have this tiny glimmer of hope that things will work out, and even though I know there's nothing more that I can do, (it would be up to her to do something if she ever felt the same way, and in the meantime it is unfair on both of us for me to continue to feel so strongly about her) that glimmer of hope is enough to keep me thinking about the 'what if?'s which is what really hurts.
Having never had a girlfriend doesn't help, and even though most other guys have already had a girlfriend at my age, I realize 22 is still young and its not entirely unusual not to have had a partner yet (one of the people I spoke to about this was my Sifu's mom, who told me that he had gone through a lot of the same stuff as me and worse, which, considering I respect my Sifu a lot and he now is happily married with 3 kids, is somewhat comforting), but I can't help but feel like I will never be loved, and I'll end up dying alone which would be my fault. I'm worried I'm going to have to completely leave the Chinese Lion Team in order to actually move on, but that's something I really don't want to do, not only because it's something I enjoy and am passionate about but because all the other members are some of the most caring, understanding and supportive people, so it would do a lot of damage to me to leave and it would be difficult then to avoid reminders of the lion team which would then always be linked back to this girl as well.
I really don't know what to do anymore, I'm not entirely sure what I hope to gain by posting this here but I don't think it can hurt.
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear this, it's a difficult situation. If I understand it correctly you haven't talked to her about it in person? It might help you if you have a talk with her in person, it could allow you to let her go more after it. Talking in texts or on the phone is always still different than talking in person with just you two. You can never choose for who you get feelings for, so don't feel bad for getting them for a friend. It sounds like you still could use a good talk with each other, both of you, and it might give you some better idea of what you have to do - move on, get a break etc. Good luck, I hope things get better for you soon!
Hi @KeepMovingForwards
Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm not going to tell you what to do but my experience with thinking back over conversations I've had or things that I've done has never been constructive.
I used to spend a lot of time thinking of things in the past and analysing what people have said or written to me to find the "true" meaning. In reality, all it did was send me into a world of hurt, anger, and pain because I always applied a negative bias to all of those interactions. And the ironic thing is that all of the true meanings that I assigned to what people had said or written were completely false.
It's important to live in the moment and live in the now. I know things are hard for you right now but with the right support, you can find the way that works for you for managing your emotions. I use mindfulness and anxiety coping mechanisms to click myself out of the thoughts of things that have happened back to the present. Have a look around the site and the web, there may be something that makes sense to you :)
Hey, so sorry that ended up happening to you. :(
I've been at the other end of someone else's rejection as well, and I remember I kept that glimmer of hope that they would change their mind for months. Nothing ever happened, nothing ever changed. No matter how much I berated myself or asked myself 'what if I could have done this better or differently?' It changed nothing. I then realized that I needed to move on and take care of myself. You can too, I am sure of it. ;) I know that it really hurts right now, I know it might seem like all you want to do is wait and talk to her, but focusing on yourself, your goals and aspirations for example, will really help you in the long run.
I know it's a struggle to remind yourself that there's something better out there for you (I know most days I don't even believe it myself), but these little efforts in self-comfort can make you stronger in the end and make you a more prepared person.
And hey, you can always try confiding in a peer or a close friend who knows you well, aside from the professionals, even if it's just for a distraction from thinking about her.
Good luck and I wish you well :)
Thanks for the responses, I'm feeling a bit better today.
@Trencher Yeah, we haven't talked about it at all since I messaged her, let alone in person. But unless she brings it up I don't know that I should, since there isn't really anything more that needs to be said anyway, and I don't think it would be fair to continue to force my feelings on her (which is what I feel like I would be doing). I'm basically trying to let her initiate contact with me rather than potentially hassling her and making her feel uncomfortable.
@Roadie I know reflecting on all this isn't helpful, but I still can't help myself and end up getting angry at myself because of that. The logical part of me realizes that a lot of the things I keep telling myself are untrue but that doesn't stop the emotional part of me from believing them. I'm definitely going to use techniques like mindfullness, as well as other strategies that my Psychologist spoke to me about, I was hoping to be able to get into the habit of doing that before I needed it though.
@mimameid Yeah, I'm trying to work on looking after myself and doing things to distract me from thinking about her and also improving myself in ways that will make me feel better about myself in the long run too, eg. working on my fitness.
@KeepMovingForwards
You're right. Knowing what to do and actually being able to do it are two different things. Emotions are both beautiful things and things that can be hard to control, can't they? What I will say is to not be too hard on yourself. You're coursing your way through this life the best you can, just like all of us. Will you make mistakes? Yes, but so do we all, so be kind to yourself :)