Worried about my boyfriend's new female friend
I am getting increasingly concerned about my boyfriends new friendship with a female colleague.
He has only been at his job for four months but seems to have got quite close to a girl there. I have never met her (he doesnt seem to have any interest in me meeting her which in itself is strange as hes normally really keen on me meeting his friends and colleagues).
I am not normally the jealous type - up until now Ive viewed my boyfriend as completely trustworthy and I never thought that cheating would be an issue for us. He has always had lots of female friends and its never been a problem for me (being in the army he has met so many different people). This friendship however feels very different.
To give you a bit of background, my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years and we have a house and a dog together.
I first became suspicious after our relationship hit a very rough patch about 6 weeks ago. To cut a long story short he had told me one day that we didnt make each other happy, he was fed up of me being down all the time (I suffer from depression) and if things didnt change then I was going to lose him. Weve had quite a stressful year as he has recently left the army so is readjusting to life as a civilian and I quit my job a year ago to set up my own business. I knew that we had both been feeling a bit unhappy and we were drifting apart and I had even mentioned to him a couple of times that I was concerned, but at the time he shrugged it off saying we were fine. So I was a bit shocked when all of a sudden he seemed to be acting like we were close to finished. I wondered if there might be someone else because I was struggling to find an explanation for his sudden change in behaviour towards me (he became very cold and distant).
I noticed around this time that he became more protective of his phone. He has always had loads of friends and chatted to them and sent messages constantly and Ive never paid much attention before but I started to notice that hed take his phone everywhere with him (he used to leave it lying around all the time) and he was constantly on WhatsApp or Facebook.
Anyway, I found out one day that hed been for a drink with this girl from work Becky - alarm bells were ringing straight away because we always tell each other in detail what weve been up to that day and he hadnt mentioned anything to me. I found out because I smelt beer on his breath. I asked him if hed been to the pub and he just said yeah just for a couple of drinks. I asked whom with and he said Billy, and er, Becky. And then he was acting kind of shifty like hed been caught out. The other main thing that concerned me straight away was that Becky was a name Id never heard before, which is strange for my boyfriend… hes a very sociable person and is always mentioning conversations hes had with people and telling me about the people he works with.
We had a few arguments after that and it transpired that, in his words, other people were interested in him and it had made him realise what we are missing. According to him the girl who showed him some interest has now left the company. He also said that he hadnt mentioned Becky because shes irrelevant.
About a week ago I couldnt shift the feeling that I was being cheated on so I actually checked his phone history (I was desperate for some answers) and saw that theyd called each other a number of times. A couple of the calls were around lunchtime and only for a few seconds so I wondered if maybe theyd been meeting for lunch. I questioned him about the phone calls and he said she was ringing him for advice on her boyfriend - I asked why she couldnt ask her other friends for advice rather than a man shed only just met and he said she didnt have many friends. On another occasion when I questioned him about the calls again he said they were just short calls asking if he was on his way to the pub on the two occasions after work that they had met (neither occasion was at lunchtime).
He went for a drink with her again a couple of evenings ago, just the two of them. She has apparently just left the company and wanted to tell him about her new job.
Ive tried having an adult conversation with him - Ive said that Im not accusing him of cheating (I dont think he is physically cheating but Im worried its more like an emotional affair) but I am concerned. He just gets angry with me saying Im being a crazy jealous girlfriend and saying things like do I have to tell you about everyone I see? I told him that I was just needing some reassurance and he said he cant reassure me all of the time and that he feels like a teenager again - under constant surveillance.
Ive suggested couples counselling as I thought maybe it would help us to have an impartial person there, but he wont go for that either.
I have a lot to lose if this relationship ends (house, dog, business) and I really dont want it to come to that. Please help!
@pigtails7
Hello, pigtails!
So there's an apparent sudden lack of communication, initially reassuring you that everything is fine to saying that you and him are drifting apart and becoming distant, getting fed up with your depression, then commenting about how other people have shown interest in him, to suddenly keeping his phone around/always being on his phone and now he's complaining about how he feels under constant surveillance. That definitely does sound worrying.
Imagine yourself in a scenario where a friend spoke with you about their relationship and told you this. What kind of advice would you give them? To me, there seems to be quite a few red flags, from what you wrote. I think it's up to you with how you proceed but if things do not improve or he is unwilling to talk about it, you may want to reflect upon if the relationship is worth continuing. Perhaps if you have a sit down talk with him again and explain your perspective, he may be willing to give counseling a try. At least you'll gain perspective from the way he responds to your concerns. I think it's reasonable to believe and hope that if someone truly loves and respects you, that he will want to work on rebuilding some trust together again. If not...then it's perhaps prudent to start looking at your options.
Wishing you the best, take care! 
xx
@TrueArrow
Hi TrueArrow!
Thank you for your response, it is appreciated.
I think I am going to have another chat to him and explain to him that couples counselling is the only option I can see for helping us to resolve our issues and for me to have any hope of regaining trust in him. I think if he is still not interested in doing this than that will tell me that he no longer respects my feelings or wishes and as you pointed out he is therefore maybe not worth being with!
It is very tough as it feels as though everything has fallen apart in a very short space of time :( (I guess the amount of time it takes for him to meet and fall for someone else!)
Thank you again for your thoughts x
