3 Levels of Communication: Which Is Yours?

Level 2

These couples do a better job of realizing that they’re going off-topic–“Let’s not get into that right now”–and that the argument is escalating and the car’s going off the road. If it’s a particularly sensitive topic or they’re both already stressed, the car does wind up in a ditch; usually, they try to lower the temperature by stopping the conversation. There’s less blame and less of a power struggle.

They also do a better job circling back and trying to solve the problem. That said, they may get stuck with confusing means and ends: arguing over whose way of solving the problem. They also do a better job circling back and trying to solve the problem. That said, they may get stuck with confusing means and ends: arguing over whose way of solving the problem

Level 3

These folks are the race-car drivers. They know the destination and can avoid the ditches by not escalating. More importantly, they've learned to make those subtle turns of the steering wheel to keep the conversational car going forward by quickly noticing when the conversation is going off course: “Hold on. I’m not trying to be critical; why are you getting upset?” said calmly.

Do they have arguments? Sure, when there’s the perfect storm of stress, a hot topic, or alcohol. But overall, they can each regulate their emotions and quickly tell when feelings are the problem in the room, not the topic.

And when the emotional dust settles, they sincerely apologize, circle back and move ahead in solving the problem, coming up with win-win compromises. And they can have a conversation about conversations: What did they learn from what happened? What pushed their buttons? How can they do it better next time?

Moving up

Couple therapy can be helpful because, like that driving instructor, you have someone to teach you the skills and be another set of eyes in the passenger seat to help you see what you have trouble seeing. But even if you’re not in therapy or don’t want to do it, you can improve your skills by being more intentional. So, if you’re having a problem or upset about something in the family or the relationship, schedule a time to discuss it. Pretend it is like a meeting at work. Have a clear destination; know where you want to go and focus on yourself. If it gets emotional, stop before spinning your wheels in the mud. And then get back on the road.

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

Which level of communication represents your relationship dynamic?

#Communication #Relationships #Support

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