4 Weeks since ex sent nasty text after what seemed a good encounter
We were together two months never official. She told me she broke up because she got kicked out of college and wasn’t ready to date. She was my first, Me and my ex met up four weeks ago at a bar coincidentally. We said hi and she bought me a drink. I asked her how she was. We later met up again at another bar. I bought her a drink and we talked more about the future and her issues. I told her I lost my friends and couldn't find them, but I told her l'd leave if she wanted me to and she never said to. On our second shot we hugged and I told her if she ever wanted to try again that it would be fine with me. She went back to her friends and I just stood by myself at the bar trying to get ahold of mine. A couple minutes later I saw her run out of the bar by herself. I was concerned because it's bad area and I didn't want her to be alone. I went out and asked her if she was okay. She said she was trying to go home but her ride canceled. I bought her way back into the bar because they weren't accepting anymore people. She told me she wasn't coming home with me that night and I said I know that. When we got back in we got a drink to make up for me paying for her to get back in. We talked about me potentially visiting at work for ice treatment and she said that would be fine and to text her if I needed anything. Then I stupidly asked her to dance because I was drunk. She said that at that point she just wanted to go home. I just talked to her other friends as I waited for my friends to respond. Her female friends gave me dirty looks. When the bar shut down I asked her what I should do she gave me advice and told me to text her when I get back home. I texted her and she responded nicely saying thanks for checking in. The next day I asked her about visiting at work and she didn't reply so I followed up the next day. This time she replied with a nasty text saying that I followed her around and made her very uncomfortable and that she wouldn't feel comfortable with me at her work.. She said I took the whole situation too far and that she made it clear that she didn't want to date or be exclusive. I guess in my opinion she never really made it clear as that night she talked about how badly she didn’t want to break up. She then said that this would be our last conversation and she wishes me the best of luck in my endeavors. She then unadded me on snap. After everything I did for her I felt horrible. All I've ever done for her was protect her and try to make her happy. She was kicked out of college and broke up with me and I was upset. I just hope she knows that that is not who I am. Since this happened I have unfollowed on almost all social media. I’m still attracted to her but am really upset with her. Please give feedback.
@Imissit5567 Thank you for opening up with us, Imis. I appreciate your courage and small step. I understand you are feeling hurt and confused after this interaction with your ex. You shared a lot of effort and commitment in the relationship, and her actions and words have left you questioning your worth and identity. What thoughts come up for you as you process this experience?
I honestly don’t even know what to think rn. Sometimes I’m guilty others I’m mad. But I’ve just kinda learned to block her out and realize she’s not the person she was and neither am I. I’m not weak like I was
@Imissit5567, Your motives were genuine, and you did the right thing. She may not be interested in a relationship or just not ready to settle down, which is okay, but her behaviour was nasty and unexpected. Thank you for sharing your experience; in my opinion, the best thing to do is to let her be and not try to reach out anymore; perhaps one day you can have a conversation when things has calmed down and she can explain what she was truly thinking. Your intentions were admirable, and as a woman, I appreciate you continuing to care about her safety despite everything she has put you through. Keep your head up and don't let things get you down, some things are out of your control and this is one of them: just keep being the more mature person.
Maybe one day. That’s the thing I don’t understand about it and idk what to do if I ever see her again
@Imissit5567 hi, first of all I want to say that I'm so sorry this happened to you. It makes sense that you feel very lost in your feelings and next steps now. Second of all, exes are exes for a reason. You broke up. It is over, no matter who ended it in most cases and why. The thing is that you should stop seeing her and block her everywhere. It may seem a bit drastic to you but here are my reasons:
- when you break up with someone, it shows that you are done with fighting for this relationship. Done with trying to make things work. Making a decision in the others name without even talking to them about it (cases of it is for your own good breakups), or not wanting to face the situation together. A healthy relationship should have the approach of things are trough right now but let's see what we can do and then face the issues together. The moment one gives up and breaks up, done. That's it. No way back, because it is kind of like okay so you will be yeeting me next time anything comes up. That's completely destroying the safety that is essential for a relationship. So once ex, the door is closed.
- she is not mentally stable and is inconsistent in her actions. She is not giving you a clear expectation and it is destroying your nerves and stops you from healing.
- you can't heal if you keep scratching the wound. The same way, you can't grieve the relationship you had, recover from it and move on if you always get It all shaken up when you see her. It is not doing you any good. Just stops your healing. I understand that first relationships can feel special and you love her a lot. That's ok. But sometimes, loving someone doesn't mean they are good for you. It's ok to have feelings for her, care about her and still make the decision to remove her from your life. Take time to grieve. Cry it out if you have to. And don't forget that this too shall pass. Just feel your feelings and they will pass. You seem like a sweet and caring person and deserve better.
Best thing I’ve seen. Since the interaction I have unfollowed her i n s t a g r a m and removed her myself as well on snap. I have also deleted games that we used to play together. I still kept the pictures but don’t look at them often and haven’t in like 4 days. I think the process is starting to go well and this post has made me feel much better. I agree if things are going wrong the couple can fight it together. If she gives up now and ever came back there would certainly be another challenging time that would have her do this again
@Imissit5567 you are doing great, and i´m proud of you 😊 Also, would suggest you rip off the bandaid and get rid of the pictures too. Whether you decide to do it now or later, i believe in you and you got this, remember, there is someone else, much better waiting for you somewhere out there and you are worthy of the love, care, peace and respect of a healthy relationship 😊
why do they gotta treat me like that tho
@Imissit5567 what do you mean by that? (Sorry my ADHD sees at least two different interpretations so don't know whichone is correct)
Treat me portly
@Imissit5567 people don't treat you bad because of you. They treat you badly because of who they are. We sadly can't control this. But what we can do is recognise these people have a nose to sniff out the people who let them to treat them poorly. There is possibly a problem with some past trauma, attachment style or self esteem that is making it hard for you to stand up for yourself and lets others walk all over you. Would suggest maybe trying therapy or doing some individual inner work, to find the root of why you tolerate behaviour like hers. It will help you immensely and once addressed, you will not let people like her in your life again 🌻
Agreed I think my problem was she started out really nice. Then it showed over time. Since she was my first I didn’t want to lose her because I feared not being able to find anyone better than her, or anyone at all. I thought she was a really good pull. I loved her. But I hurt myself. Her memories constantly haunt me. I’ll never understand how someone can turn on me like that, but you’re right I need to realize it’s for the best. I need to be a man
@Imissit5567 i know it sucks. It is very hard. But i have been there, stuck in an abusive relationship with someone who made me believe it will be a fairytale but it ended being all messed up to the point i almost lost my sanity, literally speaking. It is very hard to get out of something like that once you get drawn in because they never show the bad stuff upfront. But I promise it gets better. I did a lot of inner work to prevent falling in the same trap again and am in a healthy, loving relationship now. It seems unbelievable right now, but there is someone out there who will treat you well 🌻
I’m talking to someone new and these thoughts just continue to haunt me and idk why. This girl is much different than her. Do you have any advice on what I should do?
@Imissit5567 oooo, congratulations 😊 I´m so proud of you 😊 Absolutely go for it 😊 Regarding advice, I would say these are the things that worked for me:
- discuss your values, longterm goals and oppinions on all kind of things like politics or some controversial issues so you don´t waste each others time by discovering incompatibilities asap, like if one of you for example wants kids and the other doesn´t, it won´t have a perspective. Me and my bf are deeply entertained by creating hypothetical scenarios too, usually prompted by an outside factor like for example we saw a drama on reddit and discuss what would we do if we were in this situation. It is a fun and thought provoking topic and you will get to know each other better through it as it often leads to deeper discussions. Don´t forget to discuss finances, parenting style, labour division etc once the relationship gets more serious
- learn about your attachment styles and work on them
- having a new relationship is great because you have a clean slate with no built up resentment yet, so aim for it to stay this way by communication. Learn about coregulation, healthy communication and when something bothers you, speak up as soon as possible, don´t let stuff go unaddressed and turn into resentment
- remember that in conflict, it is you two against the problem, not against each other. Don´t throw old and irrelevant things at each other, but focus on the issue at hand (shouldn´t be hard if you will not have a resentment storage). Validate each others feelings, seek to understand and see things from the others pov too. Approach a problem like a team, and think about how can you solve it for both of you to be content with it. In case where this is not possible, there is usually a fair enough compromise to be made or a clear indication based on the situation who should suck it up this time, but most of the time, there is a win-win solution (literally treat it like a diplomatic negotiation) or at least a fair enough compromise.
- pause in an argument and deescalate it if needed. You can also take a break and return to it later if you can´t have a reasonable discussion right away, it´s ok to step away for a little to calm down before trying again
- watch out for how your partner reacts in an argument, if she calls you names, guilt trips you, tries to get physical with you or says hurtful things, it is not a healthy relationship to be in
- if you want something, you need to say it. Don´t just hint at things, ask for what you want and need. Your partner often wants to help you or make you happy, but can´t mindread so always let them know what you want from them.
- remember that the fact someone doesn´t love you exactly the way you want doesn´t mean they don´t love you. (This is usually a problem if you have different love languages)
- keep putting in effort to keep the spark going, no matter if it is the first date or the 25th annniversary
- recognise your patterns and trauma and work on recovering from it
- relationships shouldn´t be 50-50, they should be both of you always giving it you 100, even if your 100 doesn´t always look the same. Some day your 100 will be just dragging yourself to make a good morning text. Other days you will be comforting the other in a hard time. And both is ok.
- don´t think you can change someone. People are usually on their best behaviour in the beginning of a relationship, and won´t change unless they want to (what is way less often then we would like). So don´t think that you can change someone, instead ask yourself if this is the best they will ever be, does it work for me?
These are the things that work for me, and I hope they will help you too 😊 I wish you a lot of luck in your relationship 😊 May it work out for you 😊
I hope it does I’m trying to get a date going soon but she appears to be hurt from her ex as well
@Imissit5567 it seems like you will understand each other a lot. Since you are both hurting, dating before you get over your previous relationship is not a good idea. I would say for now support each other, get to know each other in the process and get closer to each other in more friendly terms while also being clear that you are interested in more maybe some time later, but if you are both not over things yet, take it slow and see where it goes 😊
Yeah she wants to take it slow which kinda sucks. I just want to meet her at least
@Imissit5567 the thing is, it you are both not over your previous relationships, you should really take it slow and shouldn't jump into dating. You can't treat each other like a replacement, so you need to heal from the previous relationships first. I know it can be frustrating to wait, and I see you crave love and closeness, but take it slow for both of your sakes 😊
Update we went on a date last Saturday. Only hugged. But got ice cream after and seemed to build a solid connection with good constant conversation
@Imissit5567 that´s amazing 😊 Take it slow and enjoy the process 😊
Thank you I guess I’m doing a lot better than I was. It’s crazy how much a breakup can mess with your mental health
@Imissit5567 yesss, but don´t worry, it will pass and you will slowly even forget your ex ever existed unless reminded by something 😁
Honestly yeah just going through another lull with it and I’m not sure why. I think it’s cuz friends are just bringing it up
@Imissit5567 well, i hope this relationship will be a great one for both of you 😊
It’s just going really slow like we don’t have another date set up yet and she’s busy this weekend and next with school and work at least she’s getting it done
@Imissit5567 yesss, take your time 😊 I´m glad you met tho 😊
My friend just recently saw my ex on a dating app and made it a point to tell me and I wish he didn’t
@Imissit5567 ohhh i see it must have been a painful reminder. It´s hard to heal a wound if it keeps being scratched, and i see why he shouldn´t have mentioned it. But hey, at least she is not wrecking your nerves anymore.
Thank you this hurt pretty bad honestly because it’s how we met and got to first know each other but yeah it’s for the best and I shouldn’t care
Hey I just wanted to tell you I saw her on that app today and it hurts really bad. I thought she would’ve had the decency to block me but she didn’t so it hurt seeing her look beautiful and seeing the updated version of her
@Imissit5567 oh, i see. Do you have any way to block her? I know it sucks. But that´s ok. You need to remember that you can love someone and them still not being good for you, so you need to let them go. It is still a pretty fresh break up, and i see why it hurts. Please black her if you can and focus on your own wellbeing :)
I mean I looked at her instagrams today when I saw her on the app to see what she’s been up to. I’m not sure why she decided to unfollow me today. It was very weird. I posted something motivational on my story. Maybe she was bothered or is still hung up on me as well. Idk how to get rid of her on the dating app. I think I should be fine not looking at her on everything else. Today was just a weird day. I can feel her still being bitter towards me and I don’t even know what I did to her. Like I was just trying to be nice. Now I feel like a puppet.
@Imissit5567 I really think you should block her... It is not doing you any good to keep scratching that wound
You’re right. Today I deleted all of our texts. I guess I just don’t want to show weakness to her. Idk why I’m so harmed. I really wish you were my listener. Like this hurts worse than anything
@Imissit5567 Awww. That´s so kind of you 😊 Sadly i do not have a listener account as I speak my mind a bit too unfiltered to be a listener heh. Despite considering it a few times in the past, I just have some stuff to work on before I get there (like keeping my mouth shut when it´s for the best or at least think first, speak later lol) but i´m happy to chat here on the thread 😊
i know breakups are hard. I know that what you had can´t just vanish in an instant. Healing from break ups can take a while and it for sure can get messy. It´s understandable that you don´t want to seem weak in front of her. But the truth is, that by not blocking her and cutting her off you keep scratching the wound making it harder to heal. There is nothing shameful about choosing your own peace, healing and wellbeing over what someone else may or may not think about you. The thing is, it is just something you need to ride out, all the waves of missing her and wanting to check how she´s doing. It is not easy, but it will slowly come easier and easier with time, to the point of maybe even forgetting she ever existed unless reminded by someone or something for a moment, and then you will just shrug it of as someone you used to know. You really need to prioritise your own wellbeing over her hypothetical opinion now.
I think I was cruising until this happened. Just a bad week it’s like we went back to war. I personally like can shrug things off but I just did so much for her and cared a lot for her. Like idk she was my best friend for two months and now it’s like she hates me after one night. I don’t get it but I hope she can turn her life around and be successful
@Imissit5567 just starting a new subthread cause we are runnng out of space on the old. Yes i see why. It for sure can bring back a lo of memories. But it´s ok. Feel your feelings and let them pass. It´s ok to feel bad about it. The break up is still pretty fresh, but it will pass with time, you will see. On the positive note, she is not wrecking your nerves anymore and you can heal
Very true the downs in that relationship hurt really bad
@Imissit5567 good she is not your problem anymore, you just need to let the wounds heal, and healing can be messy sometimes 🌻
Yeah my friend really didn’t have to tell me that unless he was messing with me
@Imissit5567 he probably just didn´t think it through, or thought you may want to know, so i don´t think it was malicious, but deffinitely let your friend know not to give you further updates about her as it is not good for you right now
He was trying to make me mad. And he said I almost swiped and she was looking hot in her bikini
@Imissit5567 it seems like a time to set a boundary then of not bringing her up. If he does it after you asked him not to, time to reconsider the friendship, you really don´t need people making it harder for you
I told him to stop and I told him I didn’t want to know that and I truly don’t know if he’s telling the truth or messing with me because it hurt so bad
@Imissit5567 need to reply in a new cause i can no longer read the replies unless i copy paste them somewhere. Also, sorry i was on a break due to health issues but i´m back now. I see why it is very hard for you. You put your heart and soul into it, so i can totally see it is not easy now. How are you holding up?
Yesterday was her birthday so I had a rough time mentally dealing with that but I got through it. I need to realize I’m better than that and deserve better
@Imissit5567 i see, it sucks to be reminded of her every step of the way. But i see you are doing great 😊
My mom understands she gets really upset with me but she also realizes it’s my first ever relationship and that’s the first time I’ve had that feeling for someone. I’m hoping to come back better than ever
@Imissit5567 first relationships can be very special, especially if it wasn´t ended by your decision. It´s ok to take your time to grieve and recover
I’m proud of what I did for her and must cherish the memories
@Imissit5567 of course. I´m sure you have a lot of good memories with her, and did a lot for her. It´s understandable if recovery takes time for you 🌻
one thing im thinking about today is how could people still be friends with their exes friends. After what she did to me how could some of them allow her to be in their life
@Imissit5567 the thing is, we all have a different story. Someone may be the villain in yours, but a hero or a side character in another. We can't really decide the reactions of our surroundings, only our own. So you can set a boundary of not wanting to hear about it. Can hang out with the people less. Or just shrug it off, depending on the priorities you have
I just wish this stuff didn’t have to be so cruel. It’s like since you share a romantic interest you can talk to each other anymore. But friends never don’t be friends
@Imissit5567 yes I know. It sucks, especially because of how different roles they are. But that's ok. Do you have anything to occupy your mind with? Any hobby, project, activities?
I’m working now, working out and being an absolute dawg all while thinking about what could’ve been between us
@Imissit5567 I know it is hard and I understand you wonder about what could have been. It's ok. Moving on doesn't have a set timeline, it's ok to have ups and downs 🌻
I’m losing my other relationship which doesn’t help
@Imissit5567
First of all, it is great you tried to help her and comfort her.
If I were at your place, I would take her message seriously, and let her go because even now if I try to help her she would be irritated and feel that she is been taken lightly.
Idk if I’ll ever see her again but I hope she knows who cares about her
@Imissit5567 you will always feel that you're attracted to your first love because it's hard to forget your first love
I can’t get her out of my head
Is this the best post of all time?
