Am I bad..?
Okay so, my boyfriend is a real social popular guy. I mean if I don't make plans with him instantly, he's booked by his friends. And if I can't be with him a day, they instantly book him then too (which I get, but it explains how occupied he is). Am I an *** for wanting to play a bit hard to get and finally make plans with my friends again?
@Cano15 I personally think that playing hard to get might open his eyes to the fact that he needs to make time for you. Have you communicated how you are feeling to your partner?
Yes I have.. But he can't help it really he says :/ his friends always want to be with him as soon as he has the chance, which makes it very hard for us two to really have some time/plan. For example in a regular week, 4 days goes to his friends and 1 day to me. Though yeah, it might make him try more ^^
@Cano15 maybe try communicating one more time. 1 day for you and 4 for his friends seems off balanced.
@Cano15
1) He should be taking more initiative to actively plan time with you (dates, hanging out, quality time just being together doing things that bring you closer)
2) You should also have your own friends and not center all your time around your relationship. Both of you having your own friends is healthy. Having a life outside of your relationship and maintaining a healthy balance prevents dependency.
3) “Playing hard to get” .. People in healthy mature relationships usually shouldn’t have to resort to these kinds of ploys just to get their partner’s attention. It’s like when girls feel their partner isn’t giving them enough compliments so they decide to flirt with other guys to “teach him a lesson”. In the end he should prioritize you because he wants to, because he cares. And if that was actually the case, you wouldn’t have to resort to “playing hard to get” to make him realize this! The fact that he spends the majority of his time with his friends instead and that he commits to them every chance he gets, tells you where his priorities lie. He could do things differently but he’s choosing not to. He’s consciously choosing them each time. You can’t change his priorities - only he can!
Point is, pressuring your partner to spend more time with you is rarely an effective solution because then it is not his own internal motivation driving him to change his behavior. Even if he agrees to spend more time with you as a consequence of your pressuring him, the change won’t last unless he himself genuinely and sincerely actually wants that for himself.
Also, usually when a man is serious about his relationship, and if he genuinely values his partner and envisions a future with her as a central part of his life - a huge and important indicator of this is his inclusion of her in his social circle. His friends will know to include his partner in invites, it’s taken for granted that they are generally a package deal. And it goes both ways of course.
So maybe you both need to evaluate where you fit into his priorities exactly, and if he’s not meeting your needs even though you’ve communicated your unhappiness, or if you don’t really value each other’s time to the same degree, then that’s something you need to resolve. And you both need to be completely honest with each other - it’s not something that will improve if you try to be gentle and avoid hurt feelings. A long term relationship needs both partners to live authentic lives, and realizing exactly how much they want their partners to be a valued part of that. And if they realize they don’t really need/want their partner in their lives as much as their partners seem to want/need them, then sometimes it’s better to just acknowledge that and start seeing other people that can meet your individual needs and wants and you’ll both be happier for it in the end.
CatsInTheCradle