Am I failing him?
I’m spiralling right now.
Me (23F) and my finance (23M) have been together for nearly 6 years. We currently live with my family whilst we’re saving for our own place. But my family can be really toxic with things they say and do. There’s always arguments and drama constantly, we’re both very introverted and calm people who just want peace. However the things my family say and do to me are really getting to him, I don’t want him to say something that’s going to make the dynamic awkward and uncomfortable in the home. For context, my family tend to pick apart my physical appearance any chance they can get, they are quite judgemental when it comes to anything I say, I get spoken over and ignored often, my siblings have a tendency to call me horrific names infront of my fiancée whenever I confront them about their behaviour towards me etc.
My fiancée is struggling with issues with his own family and his job, then he has to come home to this. I’m so worried he’s going to start resenting me and he’s only living here because of me. He can’t move back home as his family live 5 hours away, he’d need to quit his job. He’s taking out his anger and frustration of everything on me, not physically, never physically, but we’re arguing almost every day, sometimes multiple times a day. Whenever we have a calm discussion about things going on between us, I’ve recommended he try and talk to someone but he shuts that down instantly, tells me I shouldn’t be worrying about him and to just stop. It feels like he’s shut be out completely.
Am I failing him as his partner? Should I try a different approach? I feel very put in the middle from both him and my family, I’m not sure what to do. Please help?
@ariette6
You are not failing him.
You need to really find an answer or option that will works for both of you. it requires a deep level of communicating now. his frustration may not be what ever item set off an argument but a combination of everything. Living with family has been a big issue for many couples. You can not appease both sides ever.
In a situation where you feel torn in middle being the middleman IMO never ends well. Have you stood up for yourself with family? maybe he is not happy with the amount you seem ok to tolerate and not stand up for yourself.
Can you set boundaries with items? Some people can and do tolerate far more then another person can when trying to keep peace and not rock the boat.
Do you have defined goals to when you could move out? example if you planned on saving X amount but could try to find a way to work with smaller amount saved?
It just seems like everything is a problem for him. Every time I try talking about it, he tells me I’m making it worse for him by bringing it up.
I’ve tried standing up for myself, when I say something back they make our like it’s this huge joke they were having, making me out to be the angry one starting arguments. Unfortunately, boundaries aren’t something they believe in or listen to.
Honestly, with how much we both earn, combined with our own bills, we wouldn’t be able to get out for about 2 years. The area where we are is really pricy.
It feels like consistent dead ends.
@ariette6
That is most likely how he feels too there is no end and it will not improve. that is why everything seems to be an issue.
I think your family could use a reality check in telling them really how you feel and Enough already ....... the "it is a joke" is not acceptable but if they feel That way play on their terms pick out whatever flaw and throw it back for example. some learn boundaries real quick when they are the "joke"
It sounds like you’re concerned that your family is frustrating your partner and that he’s taking out his anger on you. This sounds like a very tense situation to be in as you’re facing both your family and your partner in this situation.
You’ve tried to open a channel to your partner to persuade him to get help, but he shuts you down. I think you’re not failing as a partner, but it’s important to consider what choices you have if your partner doesn’t consider help and might escalate the situation. Here are a few questions, I’d ask myself if I was in your situation.
What would you consider the ideal resolution to this issue? What are the barriers to them? Do you have any thoughts about alternatives? Where does your responsibility begin and end? What happens if nothing changes?
